


When I Remember You

by Fandom_Stuff



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accident, Cas and Dean are married, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, I'd say slow burn, M/M, Memories, alternating pov, but they're technically already together, cop!cas, mechanic!Dean, so i'll say slow RE-burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:42:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 52,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22441270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandom_Stuff/pseuds/Fandom_Stuff
Summary: Dean wakes up in the hospital after he was in an accident, with no recollection of anything that’s happened in the past five years. But his husband, Castiel, remembers everything. Dean, on the other hand, has no idea who Castiel is.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester/Castiel, Destiel, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Gabriel/Kali (Supernatural)
Comments: 234
Kudos: 306





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! If you're new, hello, and thank you for coming to check out my work! If you've followed me from one story to another, welcome back :) This is my latest crazy idea, because as one story ends, another must begin.

_“How long until he wakes up?” an unfamiliar deep voice asked._

_“We don’t know,” another voice replied._

_“_ Will _he wake up?” someone else asked, this voice_ did _sound familiar ._

_“Again, we don’t know.”_

_“Oh God,” the deep voiced man gasped in a sob._

Dean struggled to open his eyes, but they felt like they were glued shut. The voices beside him continued to talk, but Dean was too focused on trying to open his eyes to listen to them. 

His eyes weren’t the only thing that wouldn’t cooperate, his mouth was also seemingly unable to move or produce words, so he gave up there and continued to try to bring himself visually into the room. Dean didn’t know how long he spent trying- and failing- to open his eyes, but finally, white light began to slowly seep under his eyelids and then, he was awake. 

Everything was blurry. The world seemed to swim in front of Dean as he struggled to clear his vision. He could make out three figures in the room, one was clearly a doctor, he was dressed in a white lab coat and a stethoscope hung from around his neck, the doctor was talking with a very tall and long haired man that Dean instantly recognized as his brother, Sam. The third and final person in the room was sitting in the chair beside Dean’s bed, his hand wrapped around Dean’s, with tears in his incredibly blue eyes; Dean didn’t have any idea who he was. 

Cautiously, he pulled his hand free of the strangers grip and tried to sit up. “Dean!” the blue-eyed man exclaimed in joy as he swiped at his tear drenched face. “You’re awake, thank God.” 

Dean stared at the man, trying to figure out who he was, but every time his eyes fell across the thick black hair, the dark stubble shadowing his face, and the blue irises that kept staring at him, he drew a blank. He turned his gaze to the one person he did recognize, Sam. “Uh, Sammy, what’s going on?” Dean asked. 

Sam came over to Dean, an expression Dean knew well plastered across his face; something was very wrong. “Dean,” Sam began, “you were in an accident.” 

Confusion pulled at Dean’s thoughts. “An accident?” he echoed. 

Sam nodded. “Yes, a bad one.” 

Dean glanced down at his body and suddenly felt all the pain he must have been too drugged up to feel. There was a cast covering his right arm, his chest felt like it was on fire, and his head was pounding so hard that he was convinced there was a tiny brass band playing in his skull. 

“Mr. Winchester,” the doctor said as he stepped up to the end of his bed. “Can you please tell me what you remember?” 

Dean racked his aching brain for details, anything that would lead him to an answer to the doctor’s question, but he had nothing. “I… don’t know,” Dean replied. 

“You don’t know?” the doctor repeated. 

“Oh Dean,” the blue-eyed man sobbed. He reached for Dean’s hand again but Dean quickly pulled it away. _T_ _his guy was starting to creep him out_. 

“I’m sorry, but who the hell are you?” Dean asked. 

Hurt, pain, and panic seemed to flash across the man’s face in one expression. “You… you don’t _remember_ me?” 

“Should I?” Dean asked as he brought his unbroken arm up to scratch at the back of his _seriously_ aching head. 

“Dean,” Sam said, in shock, “that’s Cas, you know Cas.”

Dean frowned and shook his head. “I have never seen him before in my life.”

The man - _Cas, was it?-_ turned his terrified eyes to the doctor. “Is this normal? Will this pass in time?” 

The doctor sighed, a look of pity on his face. “I don’t know.” 

“What do you mean you don’t know!?” Cas cried. Blue eyes found Dean’s again, a plea trapped in their oceanic depths. “Please, Dean, please you’ve got to know who I am.” 

The horror in Cas’ eyes was enough to make Dean feel guilty, but he couldn’t lie. “I’m sorry, but I don't.” 

Cas let out an anguished sob and then raced from the room, his cries echoing down the hallway. Sam took his place with a sigh. “Dean, you’re sure you don’t remember Cas?” 

“Do you really think I’d lie?” Dean asked, incredulous. 

“Mr. Winchester,” the doctor said, drawing Dean’s attention to him, “what _is_ the last thing you remember?” 

Dean shrugged. “I dunno.” 

The doctor hummed in thought for a moment and then asked, “Alright, answer me this, what year is it?”

Dean stared at him like he was crazy. “What, are you serious?” 

“Deadly,” the doctor replied. 

“It’s 2015,” Dean answered, _duh_. 

The room was silent for a moment, Dean was certain that he would probably be able to hear a pin drop. Dread was beginning to crawl through his body, like ice slowly freezing.

“Dean,” Sam said carefully, “it’s 2020.” 

_No, that couldn’t be right. How could he not remember the past five years?_

“W-What?!” was all Dean could muster up to say.

“I’m sorry Mr. Winchester,” the doctor said. “We’re going to have to run some more tests, but it does seem like this accident caused some brain damage.” 

Dean’s stomach was currently tying itself into knots of panic. “Will my memories come back?” 

“It will be hard to say until we get you in for further testing,” the doctor replied. 

Dean glanced over at Sam, who was staring at his hands, and then back to the doctor. “So, you have no idea if I’ll get better?” 

“Dean,” Sam said quietly from beside him, “just let them run the tests and then they’ll be able to give you more answers.” 

“I’ll get a team in here,” the doctor said. He gave Dean a curt nod and then left the room. 

About a minute later, the doctor came back and Dean was put through a rigorous amount of questions, he had lights shined into his eyes, he recited the letters of the alphabet, he said his name, and he was again asked what the last thing he remembered was, which he guessed was getting out of bed. _In 2015_ , Dean reminded himself, because _apparently_ he lived five years in the past now. 

“Well?” Dean asked, once they’d finished poking and prodding at him and running him through memory drills. 

The doctor sighed, a sad frown on his face. “I’m sorry Mr. Winchester, but you do appear to be suffering from amnesia.” 

“Will my memories come back?” Dean dared to ask, _again_. 

“I wouldn’t rule it out, it’s possible, but if they do it will take a long time. Right now, my professional opinion is that you may never recall those five years.” 

Dean felt sick. _This couldn’t be happening, this was all wrong, how was he supposed to go through the rest of his life without remembering what happened to him in the last five years?_

“I am very sorry,” the doctor said as he backed out of the room.

Dean’s panicked eyes left the retreating doctor and found Sam. His brother let out a sigh. “Dean,” he began. 

“It’s okay Sam." _It was not okay, it was very, very, far from okay._

Sam shook his head, causing tears to fly away from his eyes. “No, it’s not, I mean, look at you,” Sam paused to sniff and wipe at his tears with his hands. “Sorry, it’s just… you really have no memory of the last five years?” 

Dean tried to remember, he tried to cast his mind into those missing five years but he always came back up with a blank canvas. “No, I don’t.” 

“So much has happened, Dean, for both of us,” Sam said, his voice was clouded by tears. 

“Like what?” _Maybe if he heard about what happened in those years it might jog his memory._

Sam held up his left hand and pointed at the ring that sat there. “Like me and Eileen for starters.” 

Despite the circumstances, Dean smiled. “Really!? Oh wow, that’s awesome Sammy, I’m so happy for you!” 

Sam sniffed. “You were my best man.” 

Sadness crept through Dean. _He was Sam’s best man? He couldn’t remember it._

“I was?” 

Sam nodded. “Yeah, you gave one hell of a speech too.” 

“I hope I embarrassed you enough,” Dean joked, trying to keep the tone light.

“Oh you did,” Sam replied. 

“What else happened?” Dean asked, he hated that he didn’t know, hated that he had to rely on Sam’s memories and not his own. 

“Eileen and I have a son,” Sam replied. 

Dean’s eyes widened. “You’re kidding.” 

Sam shook his head. “Am not.” 

“What’s his name?” 

“Henry, after our grandfather,” Sam replied. 

Dean smiled. “I like it.” 

“You didn’t let me finish,” Sam said as he shoved gently at Dean’s unbroken arm, “his full name is Henry _Dean_ Winchester.” 

Dean’s smile faded in favor of his jaw dropping. “You didn’t... you really named him partly after me?” 

Sam nodded. “Yeah.” 

“I-I’m honored, wow,” Dean stammered. 

“Dean,” Sam said, his tone of voice warned Dean that his next words were not going to be about his wife or child. 

“What?” Dean asked cautiously. 

“There’s something else you need to know, and it’s probably going to take you a while to come to terms with it, but it _is_ true, and you have understand that over these past five years, you’ve grown a lot as a person, and you found things out about yourself that you hadn’t been ready to admit, you-” 

“Sam,” Dean cut in, “where are you going with this, what are you talking about? Just spit it out.” 

Sam’s eyes flicked up to Dean’s and then went back to his hands. “It’s about Cas.” 

“The blue-eyed guy that was in here before?” Dean asked. 

Sam nodded. “Yeah.” 

“Okay… what about him?” Dean asked warily. 

Sam gently reached out and tapped Dean’s left hand with his index finger. “Take a look.” 

Confused, Dean’s eyes traveled down his arm to his hand, to his ring finger, and finally, to a simple gold band. _No. No way, that can’t be… he wouldn’t… he doesn’t… he’s not…_ “I don’t understand,” Dean said, shock emanating through his words. 

Sam nodded stiffly. “It’s true.” 

Dean shook his head. “I…. we’re… he’s...” he couldn’t find the words to say it, his mouth felt like there were a thousand cotton balls stuffed into his cheeks and it seemed like the walls were closing in around him, threatening to crush him.

“Your husband,” Sam finished for him.


	2. Chapter 2

Cas couldn’t believe it, he really truly couldn’t believe it. Dean didn’t know who he was, he didn’t remember a single thing about him. He didn’t remember how they met, how they fell in love, what their wedding looked like, how they’d been starting to think about adopting a child; Dean didn’t know any of it. 

Cas leaned against the sink in the men’s bathroom, tears uncontrollably streaming down his face like his cheeks were a window during a rainstorm. The fingers of his right hand played idly with the ring on his left, twisting and turning it around his ring finger as his mind raced.

_If Dean didn’t remember him, would he ever? And if he didn’t, would he want a divorce? Would he leave Cas behind, as if he had never loved him in the first place?_

Cas didn’t know if he’d be able to live through that if Dean made that decision, but he loved Dean too much to stand in the way of what he wanted. Even if he was missing the memories of the years they’d spent together, if Dean no longer wanted to be with Cas then he wasn’t going to permit him from that, no matter how much it hurt. 

Cas was struggling to gather enough courage to face Dean again when his phone rang in his pocket, which caused him to jump. The caller ID flashed with his brother’s name and he sighed and hit the answer button. 

“What is it Gabe?” he asked, trying and failing to keep his tear jerked voice from shaking. 

“Hey baby bro,” Gabriel replied, chipper as usual. “I was just calling to see how everything was going, but, you sound awful, so I take it things are _not_ going well.” 

Cas sniffed and felt more unwanted tears slip from his eyes. “It’s bad Gabe,” he cried. 

“Tell me what happened,” Gabriel said, his voice now serious and filled with concern. 

Cas took in a shaky breath, and tried to compose himself, but his voice still shook when he spoke. “He doesn’t remember me.” 

“Shit,” Gabriel breathed. “Do you know if it’s permanent?” 

Cas shook his head, despite the fact that Gabriel couldn’t see him. “I haven’t been back to his room yet, I don’t know.” 

“Well you should go find out,” Gabriel replied. 

“I know, I know, but…” Cas trailed off as he choked on another sob. “What if… what if it _is_ forever? What do I do then?” 

“Cross that bridge when you get to it,” Gabriel said. “Now, go find out what’s wrong with your hubby, and call me when you figure it all out.” 

Gabriel hung up, leaving Cas to stare at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. There was no doubt in his mind that he looked horrible. His hair was sticking up in places, there were dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep, the red rims around his eyelids glared back at him like an accusation, and his face was now streaked with blotches from his tears. 

Cas reached for the faucet handle and turned it on. He splashed cold water onto his face and then pressed paper towels onto his damp cheeks before attempting to smooth down his hair. After a few minutes, he deemed himself good enough, and headed out of the bathroom and down the hall to Dean’s room. 

Sam and Dean were mid-conversation when he walked in. 

“I just don’t understand, Sam,” Dean was saying. 

“I told you it was going to be hard to digest,” Sam replied. 

“Hard to digest!” Dean spat. “This... _this_ is freaking off the reservation!” 

“I know,” Sam answered calmly. “Believe me, Dean, I know. Just please, don’t make things difficult for Cas, he’s already hurting enough.” 

Cas felt his stomach flip at Sam’s words and then his breath caught in his throat as Dean’s eyes landed on him where he stood awkwardly in the doorway. Cas couldn’t tell what Dean was thinking, which was a change from just two days ago, when Cas was pretty sure he could read every little gesture and move Dean made and act accordingly, as if he were reading his mind. 

Sam followed Dean’s line of sight and when he saw Cas he stood up, the chair under him squeaking with the sudden movement. “Cas,” Sam said in surprise. 

“Hello Sam,” Cas replied, acknowledging his brother-in-law with a nod. 

Sam glanced awkwardly from Dean and back to Cas again. Dean was quiet, his eyes fixed on Cas as if he was trying to x-ray him, as if Cas was the key and maybe, if he stared hard enough, he could unlock the memories that had been stolen from him. 

“Do you… want a moment?” Sam asked. 

Cas hesitantly looked over at Dean, uncertainty weighing on him. “Is that okay with you?” Cas asked Dean.

Dean’s green eyes, _beautiful green eyes_ , shifted to his hands. “I guess so,” he mumbled in reply. 

“I’ll just… go be anywhere but here,” Sam said. He gave Cas a pat on the back and then he was gone. 

Cas shifted on his feet, nerves raced through his body at breakneck speed. Dean was still looking at his hands, so Cas carefully went to sit down in the chair that Sam had just abandoned. He didn’t know where to start, he had absolutely no idea what to say to the love of his life who had no recollection of the years they’d shared together. 

Dean cleared his throat and Cas watched his eyes find Cas’ ring-laden hand. “So,” he began, “we’re married.” 

Cas nodded numbly. “Yes.” 

“Okay,” Dean said slowly. 

Cas could see the gears fighting to turn in Dean’s brain as he struggled for memories. There was slight panic and fear in his green eyes as he regarded Cas. “And your name’s Cas,” he said, as if he were a child repeating something his mother had told him to say. 

Again, Cas nodded. “It’s short for Castiel.” 

Dean stared at Cas, the corners of his mouth began to quirk up into a smile and then he burst out laughing. “ _Castiel_? Castiel?”

“Yes,” he replied stiffly.

“Sorry man, but, the hell kind of name is that?” 

Cas felt color rise to his cheeks and more tears pricked absently at his eyes. Dean had reacted almost that exact same way when they’d first met and hearing those words come out of his mouth again was enough to make Cas want to run back into the bathroom and drown himself. 

“My mother was a very religious woman,” Cas replied, repeating what he had told Dean when he’d first bumped into him at the coffee shop he frequented. “I’m named after an angel, so is my brother, Gabriel.” 

Dean’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. “An angel? Really?” 

“Yes,” Cas replied. 

Dean’s joking facade suddenly faded to be replaced by a more serious persona. “Look man, I’m sorry I don’t remember you, I really am, I’m sure you’re great, otherwise I wouldn’t have married you, but I’m…” 

“You’re having a hard time with the fact that I’m a man,” Cas finished for him. 

Dean nodded and rubbed at the back of his head sheepishly. “Yeah.” 

“Well, five years ago you weren’t ready to accept who you were deep down, trust me, I’d know. It took you a long time to understand that you had feelings for me, but I helped you then, and I can help you now.” Cas fiddled with his ring again and then looked back up at Dean. “That is, if you want me to.” 

Dean’s eyes seemed to flash with guilt. “I… I don’t know. What I really want right now is some answers.” 

_Dean didn’t even want to try and remember him, this was going just as shitty as he had thought it would._

He nodded. “Okay, maybe I can provide some for you, what do you want to know?” 

“Well, first, what kind of accident was I in?” Dean asked. 

“A car crash,” Cas replied. 

Horror flooded Dean’s face. “Baby, is she-” 

“Baby is fine, you weren’t driving her to work because you were fixing up a rattling noise you’d heard the other day,” Cas interrupted, seeing Dean’s love for his car was still so prominent made him want to smile. Dean’s shoulders lost some of their tension and Cas continued. “You were driving to work, in my Buick, when a supply truck ran a red light and hit you.” 

Dean nodded slowly. “That makes sense, considering that it feels like I was hit by a train.” 

“What else do you want to know?” Cas asked carefully. 

“Uh…” Dean’s hands moved over his sheets and Cas followed the movement, watching Dean straighten out the lines in the cloth as he thought. “I guess… how did we meet?” 

_That, Cas could easily answer_. “A coffee shop,” he replied. 

Dean rolled his eyes with a sigh. “I _mean_ , tell me the story. Maybe it will help me remember something.” 

Suddenly hopeful, Cas nodded. “Okay, yeah sure.” 

_Cas tapped his foot as he waited in line -the very long line- at his local coffee shop,_ Angel’s Halo _. He was late, he was really really late. The watch on his wrist ticked steadily past nine o’clock and Cas groaned inwardly. His boss was going to kill him. But Cas couldn’t go to work coffee-free, he was working the late shift until two am at the police station-he’d die of exhaustion before noon- and so here he was, risking Naomi’s wrath for his morning cappuccino._

_By the time he got to the register, and rattled off his order, it was nearly nine-thirty. He waited another ten minutes for his coffee, and then booked it out the door. His eyes locked on his state issued black Ford and he made a beeline for the drivers side door; he didn’t see the other man until it was too late._

_Hot coffee spilled over Cas’ tan trench coat and onto his hand, causing him to drop the cup with a hiss of pain as steam rolled up from where the liquid had made contact with his skin._

_“Shit, I am so sorry!” the man he’d bumped into exclaimed._

_Anger and annoyance fought for dominance in his chest as he tried to wipe most of the coffee from his hand. When Cas finally brought his eyes up to look at the person, who’d sank his already horrible morning further into the ground, he found himself faltering for words as sharp green eyes stared at him. The man’s face was scrunched up in clear embarrassment but Cas was too busy gaping at how fucking_ gorgeous _he was._

_His cheeks were flushed pink, but that didn’t hide the magnificent spray of freckles that were scattered across his skin. His short light brown -possibly dirty blond- hair was sticking up in the front as if a hand had just been run through it, and his eyes, goddammit his fucking eyes, were the color of a forest._

_“Uh,” Cas struggled to find his voice, trying to get the breath back into his lungs after it had just been knocked out of him at the sight of this man. He’d even forgotten the burning sting on his hand from his spilled coffee.“That’s okay, you’re not the only one that’s at fault. I didn’t see you either.” Although, he was_ definitely _seeing him now, and man did he like what he saw._

_The man shifted on his feet and glanced towards the coffee shop. “Let me buy you a new drink,” he said, already heading towards the door._

_Cas reached out to stop him, catching his fingers on the cuff of a brown leather jacket. “That’s okay, the line is really long and I’m already late for work.”_

_Cas followed the movement of the stranger’s hand as it went to the back of his head and he glanced awkwardly from the coffee shop and back to Cas. “Well, you’ve got to let me make it up to you some other time, then.”_

_Cas didn’t have time to let the flutter of wings in his stomach take full flight but he nodded. “Sure.”_

_With a small smile the man held out his hand. “I’m Dean by the way.”_

_Cas took Dean’s hand and felt the rough brush of calluses against his skin, he instantly noted that this was a man who worked with his hands, quite frequently. “Castiel,” he replied._

_Dean stared at Cas, laughter bubbled in his eyes until it came out of his mouth in a chuckle. “Castiel? Sorry man, but what kind of name is that?”_

_Cas almost didn’t manage to keep the blush from his cheeks. “I’m named after an angel, my mother was a very religious woman,” he replied. “Now, if you’d excuse me, I really do need to be going.”_

_“Yes, sorry, of course,” Dean said as he took a step back. “Again, I’m really sorry.”_

_Cas waved him off. “Don’t worry about it.”_

_As Cas’ hand closed over the door handle of his police cruiser, Dean let out a shocked gasp. “I bumped into an officer of the law!?”_

_Cas smirked at him over the roof. “Yes, you did, so you better be a law abiding citizen.”_

_Without waiting for Dean to make a response, Cas entered his car and headed off to the station, knowing that he was going to have a long day ahead of him with only the horrible plain coffee they served at the station to keep him from falling asleep._

Cas ended his story and looked up at Dean, gauging his reaction. “It sounds like something you’d see happen in the movies,” Dean said with a chuckle. 

Cas couldn’t help but smile a little. “Yeah, it does, doesn’t it?” 

“So, you’re an officer of the law,” Dean said, an impressed edge to his voice. 

Cas nodded. “Sergeant Castiel Winchester.” 

Dean let out a surprised little gasp at Cas’ words. “You took my last name, then.”

_Shit, he hoped he hadn’t made Dean uncomfortable, he should have just kept his mouth shut._

“Yes,” he replied cautiously. “My last name used to be Novak, but I don’t know, I never really liked it. Winchester is such a better sounding name.” 

“I won’t argue with you there,” Dean said. There was playfulness to his voice and Cas could see a glimpse of the man he had married buried underneath the surface of the one who sat before him. “So, did I knock your coffee out of your hand the next time we met too?”

Cas shifted in his chair and then looked up at Dean. “No. I saw you the next day at the coffee shop and you bought me my coffee and that was it.”

“So, then how did our romance bud?” Dean asked. 

“Well, we kept running into each other, at the coffee shop, but we really only exchanged pleasantries. It wasn’t until I needed my car fixed and went to your auto shop that we really became friends, ” Cas replied.

“Friends to lovers apparently,” Dean said with a chuckle. 

Cas nodded. “I’ll tell you the full story some other time, but right now I think you should rest, you look exhausted.” 

Dean sighed and leaned back against his mountain of pillows. “I _am_ tired, this has been a lot.”

“I’m sure,” Cas replied. He cleared his throat nervously, a question he was begging to ask surfaced on the tip of his tongue. “Dean,” 

“Mmm?” 

“When you’re discharged from the hospital, are you going to want to come home with me, or stay with Sam?” 

Dean bit his lip in thought and then brought his eyes up to meet Cas’. “I don’t know.” 

Cas nodded. “Okay. Just think about it.” 

“I will.” 

Cas stood up to leave but Dean’s hand came out to grasp at his arm. “Cas,” 

“Yes, Dean?” 

“I’m going to figure this out, okay?” 

Cas nodded stiffly, forcing his tears of fear to stay behind his eyes. “Okay.” 

“I promise,” Dean said, his tone was so reassuring that Cas dared to believe, just for a second, that everything they had built over the past couple of years could return. 

“Okay, Dean,” Cas replied.

He left the room, hands fumbled for his phone, his chest grew tight and his tears fell as he pushed his way back into a bathroom stall. He felt sick.

_This wasn’t real, this had to be a dream, any minute now he was going to wake up in his bed, next to Dean, and everything was going to be right again._

Cas closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing, but the more breaths he took, the more he felt like he was going to throw up. A few seconds later, Castiel did just that. He coughed, spluttered, and gagged as his stomach projected its contents into the toilet below his face. There wasn’t much to get rid of, Cas hadn’t been able to eat all day, the only thing he’d had were a few cups of water that Sam had practically forced down his gullet. 

Once he got himself back under control, and wiped the string of spit from his chin, he managed to dial Gabe’s number. His big brother’s voice filled his ears and he let himself fall into the comforts of Gabriel’s concerned, yet grounding, rambling. 

There was nothing Cas could do now, he just had to wait and see if Dean’s memories would return, and if they didn’t, he would have to accept it and let Dean choose which road he wanted to go down.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I have finished my other fic which means I can now focus fully on this one! Thank you all for waiting, it's amazing to see that so many people have already taken such an interest in this story and want to see where it continues to go. I hope you all enjoy this chapter, it's short (sorry) but it's a chapter nonetheless :)

Dean shrugged on his coat, slipping the right sleeve over his cast as best he could before heading towards the exit with Sam. “Dean, you’re sure about this?” Sam asked as he opened the door that led out into the hallway.

Dean nodded. “I just need to get my head straight, I can’t be around Cas when all he does is look at me like a lost puppy.” 

“I understand that, Dean, but I’m going to tell you this right now, I’ll let you stay with us for a week. _One_ week. But after that, you have to go back to Cas, you need to talk to him and get all your ducks in a row, okay?” 

Dean sighed. He knew he couldn’t avoid Cas forever, but it wasn’t like there was a guidebook of _‘How to talk to your husband that you didn’t know you had after you were in an accident that affected your memory'_. 

“Okay?” Sam repeated as he pulled Dean to a stop. 

Dean met Sam’s pleading gaze and forced himself to nod. “Okay, fine.”

Sam didn’t look fully convinced but he didn’t push any further. “Good.” 

“Can we just go, please? If I’m in this hospital for one more minute I think I’m going to combust.” 

“Yeah, we’re going.” 

Dean followed his brother out into the hospital parking lot, grateful to breath in air that didn’t smell of cleaners, and over to his Dodge Charger. “So, you’re still driving this piece of crap,” he said as he opened the door. 

“Hey, you have your car, I have mine,” Sam retorted. 

“Yeah but at least mine isn’t half plastic,” Dean muttered. 

“You know, it’s not too late, I could still leave you here,” Sam threatened. 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Just drive.” 

When they pulled into Sam’s driveway, Dean was beginning to feel the pulls of exhaustion and his stomach was aching for something other than tasteless hospital food. Eileen greeted them when they entered the house and before Dean even had a chance to sit down, a small brown-headed toddler stumbled up to him.

“Dean!” 

A smile painted itself involuntarily across his face and he stooped down low to the child’s level. “Hey there, Henry.” 

Henry threw himself into Dean’s arms and all he could do was encompass the kid in a hug. It was now that the pang in Dean’s heart really struck him, _Henry was his nephew and he couldn’t remember a single thing about him or his life._

“Are you hungry?” Eileen asked. 

Dean looked up at her, releasing the squirming toddler and stifling his emotional thoughts. “Starving,” Dean replied. 

“Well, I’ve just made spaghetti, so come on into the kitchen.”

Dean stood up, leaving Henry to toddle after him, and joined Sam and Eileen in the kitchen. “Come here big guy,” Sam said from behind Dean. 

Dean turned to watch his brother effortlessly scoop Henry into his arms and place him in his high chair. “Spetti!” Henry squealed in excitement as Eileen set a bowl of pasta in front of him. 

“How much do you want, Dean?” Eileen asked over her son’s exclamations. 

“As much as you’re willing to give me,” Dean replied. Eileen heaped a good amount of spaghetti into a bowl and then handed it to him. “That’s great, thanks.” 

As Dean was digging into his dinner, Sam signed something to Eileen and she laughed and signed back. Dean’s memory of Sam and Eileen’s relationship hadn’t been hindered enough by his accident to discourage him from thinking that they were talking about him.

“What?” he asked over the spaghetti that was dripping from the corners of his mouth and over his chin. 

“Nothing,” Sam replied, although there was laughter in his eyes. 

“Mhm,” Dean huffed in disbelief. 

When dinner was over, Sam showed Dean to the guest room. “Remember, one week,” Sam said as he began to pull the door closed. 

“I know, Sammy,” Dean replied. 

The door clicked shut and Dean fell onto the bed with a heavy sigh. He shifted onto his side and let his eyes wander around his brother’s guest room. It was a quaint space, with only the bed, a dresser, a chair in the corner, and a nightstand beside the bed, a nightstand that currently only supported three things, a lamp, an alarm clock, and a picture frame. 

Dean reached out for the picture and turned it around in his hands. His heart nearly skipped a beat when he saw what was sitting inside the frame. It was him and Cas at their wedding, or at least Dean assumed it was their wedding.

Cas was dressed in a black suit with a white bowtie, his hair was neatly combed back and he was clutching at Dean’s suit jacket, hands fisted gently in the outer edges of the black fabric. Dean, was also wearing a black suit, the match to Cas', the only difference was that his bowtie was black. His hands were hooked around Cas’ waist, clearly keeping him upright, and they were both mid-laugh, heads thrown back and eyes sparkling with unshed tears. 

Dean stared at the picture until his vision began to swim and he was forced to set it down. They looked so happy, so unburdened and ready to live their lives, together; but now, one accident had ruined everything and changed their story for good.

Something wet landed on the duvet underneath him and when Dean dabbed at it with the pad of his finger he realized that he was crying. His shoulders were shaking and sobs wracked through him as he cried; it was as if his body was in mourning, as if it remembered something Dean didn’t, like the feeling of Cas in his arms on their wedding day.

 _One week._ He reminded himself. _One week to figure out what he was going to say to Cas, his_ husband. _He still couldn’t believe he was married. And that he was married to a_ man.

Dean always knew, deep down, that he wasn’t straight. He liked to say he was because he did like women, but there was always something about men that he was drawn to. Maybe it was the sharp lines, the stubble, or the short hair; whatever it was, he knew that he had an attraction to men, an attraction that he had never acted on for one reason and one reason only. His father.

John Winchester had not been a nice man and he made his opinion about people who fell into the ‘queer’ section of sexuality very clear. He hated them. He thought they were dirty and that it was wrong to be with someone of the same gender. He didn’t care about the ‘love’ factor, and he was very adamant that Dean marry a woman and no one else. So, Dean stamped down any and all feelings he thought he might have for men and focused on being John’s good _straight_ son. 

Dean figured that at some point, he began to believe his own lie, because right now, he was trying to come to terms with the fact that he had given in to everything his father had told him not to.

When John died from a stroke in 2011, Dean hadn’t really counted his death as a loss, he’d seen it as a release from the abuse and shame his father had inflicted on him, he’d felt free. Part of him was happy, that he had said ‘screw it’ and decided to follow his heart and not his father’s stupid rules; but that didn’t make his situation any easier, there was a raging war inside his mind and he didn’t know which side he wanted to win. 

He knew that he’d just taken Cas’ life down a dangerous road, one that Dean wasn’t sure he could even navigate. His mind was rolling over several possible solutions to his situation and none of them made him feel particularly good. He didn’t want to hurt Cas, that much he knew. It wasn’t Cas’ fault he’d been in an accident and it wasn’t Cas’ fault that his memories were missing, and Dean wasn’t about to be the cause of furthering the pain Cas must be feeling.

Dean was sure that Cas expected him to want a divorce, that the lack of five years of memories concerning their life together was enough to make him want to leave. The idea had crossed his mind, of course it had, but there was something in the back of his mind that told him he shouldn’t. While it was still hard to understand and accept that he had so quickly turned down the path his father had blocked off for so long, that he had felt safe enough to do so, had to be a testament to something that he must have seen in Cas, and he couldn’t just abandon that feeling. 

He would take the week Sam had offered him to continue to try to come to terms with everything that had happened so that by the time he was ready to go back to Cas, he would be doing so with an open mind. It was going to be a challenge, learning about the life they’d built together and hearing the stories that he couldn't remember, but the car accident hadn’t erased the fact that Dean never stood down the opportunity to challenge himself, and this particular challenge was certainly going to put him to the test.


	4. Chapter 4

“I’m so sorry, Cassie, truly, no one should ever have to go through this,” Gabriel said as he raised his coffee cup to his lips. 

Cas sighed and fiddled with the straw in his iced coffee. “I don’t know what to say to him, Gabe. He’s my husband, I know that, and deep down he’s the same man that I married, but I just can’t get past the way he looks at me, like he’s seeing right through me.”

Gabriel leaned forward in his chair, resting his honey colored eyes on Cas. “Say what’s in your heart.” 

Cas pulled his gaze up to meet his brother’s. “I don’t _know_ what’s in my heart anymore.” 

“Well, you still love him, don’t you?” 

Cas stared at his brother in shock, _what kind of question was that!?_

“Of course! Of course I do.” 

“Then tell him, make sure he knows that because you love him, you’re going to support him, no matter what.” 

“When did you get so good at giving advice?” Cas asked as he stirred his ice cubes around in his cup. 

Gabriel smirked. “I’ve always been good at giving advice.” Cas snorted over his drink and shook his head as he searched for his straw with his tongue. “So, when are you going to see him?” 

“A week,” Cas replied. 

Gabriel let out a low whistle. “Yikes.” 

Cas rolled his eyes. “Dean needed time, so I’m giving it to him.” 

“I take it he’s staying with Samsquatch.” 

“Yes.” 

Gabriel wrapped his hands around his mug and his eyes fell into a soft expression. “Look, Cassie, if you want to come stay with me you’re more than welcome to.” 

Cas felt gratitude for his older brother wash through him and he found himself nodding slowly. “Yeah, I might like that.” 

The house was so empty without Dean, trying to fall asleep without him was like trying to breathe without air. He hadn’t slept at all last night, and clearly it showed because Gabriel had made sure to order Cas’ coffee with an extra shot of espresso. 

“Great, we’ll stop by your house after this and grab some clothes.” 

“Okay,” Cas replied. 

“Oh, I have to warn you, Kali is coming over tomorrow night, but I can cancel if you’d rather she didn’t.” 

“No, Gabe, I wouldn’t dream of stopping you and Kali from spending time together, I’ll just go out.” 

“Are you sure?” Gabriel asked, Cas could hear the concern in his voice. 

Cas nodded. “Yes.” 

“Because it’s really no big deal, I can-” 

“Gabe,” Cas cut him off sharply. “It’s fine.” 

Gabriel sighed and nodded. “Okay.” 

Once they finished their coffees, Gabriel drove Cas back to his house so he could grab some clothes and other necessities. Gabe parked next to Cas’ police cruiser that was sitting in the driveway. “I’ll wait here.” 

Cas nodded. “Okay.” 

He stepped out of the car and made his way to the garage where he quickly punched in the code that would open it. The hinges squeaked as the door moved upwards to reveal Dean’s beloved Impala. The car was propped up on a carjack and the hood was popped open to expose the V8 engine. The scene was already enough to make tears fill in his eyes as a memory from just the other day came to his mind.

_Cas looked up from the report he was filling out concerning a recent arrest, when a loud clatter sounded from the area of the garage._

_“_ _Dean, are you okay out there?!” Cas shouted in concern._

_When Dean didn’t respond, Cas set down his pen on the kitchen table and pushed himself to his feet. A few short strides took him to the garage door where he pulled it open and stuck his head into the room._

_“Dean?” Cas asked cautiously as his eyes scanned the garage for his husband._

_The sound of wheels on the concrete brought Cas’ eyes to the ground as Dean pushed himself out from under the Impala. “Huh?”_

_“I heard a crash, are you okay?”_

_Dean’s cheeks turned pink as he blushed. “Oh, I just knocked over my toolbox.” Cas sighed in relief as Dean stood up and brushed off his hands on his pants. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you, babe.”_

_“It’s okay,” Cas replied. His hands slipped around Dean’s waist and as he pulled him closer, Cas noticed a smudge of grease above Dean’s left eyebrow and his forehead was dotted with small beads of sweat._

_Dean smirked and bent so that their noses brushed against each other. “Let me make it up to you,” he whispered. Cas smiled as Dean’s lips grazed his and he parted them to deepen the kiss._

_When they broke apart, Cas ran one of his hands through Dean’s sweaty hair and kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll leave you to keep working on your car, I’ve got a report to get back to.”_

_Dean’s hands tightened against Cas’ back and he sighed. “Okay, I’ll be in in a few minutes.”_

_Cas slipped out of Dean’s arms and forced himself to move back towards the door. “Did you find the cause of that rattle yet?” he asked as his hand closed over the doorknob._

_Dean shook his head as he picked up a socket wrench and leaned over the hood of the car. “Nope.”_

_“Well, if anyone can figure it out, it’s you,” Cas said._

_Dean smiled at him, green eyes sparkling. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”_

Cas tore his eyes away from the shiny black Impala and pushed his key into the garage door, allowing him to enter the house. He stepped into the small mudroom, wiped his shoes on the welcome mat at his feet, and then he walked through the open doorway and through the kitchen until he got to the stairs, he mounted them and then made his way to his and Dean’s room. He quickly stuffed some clothes into a bag and then went into their bathroom to gather his toothbrush. 

It only took him about two minutes to get everything, and soon he was back out in his driveway, pulling open the door to Gabriel’s red mustang. “Got everything?” Gabe asked as he shifted the car into reverse. 

“I think so,” Cas replied. 

Once they were back out onto the road Gabriel asked, “So, got any dinner requests?” 

Cas shrugged. “I don’t care. Whatever you want.”

Gabriel gently pushed at Cas with one of his hands. “Oh come on Cassie, crack a smile!” 

Cas only deepened his frown which caused Gabriel to sigh in exasperation. “Well, that settles it, I’m making your favorite, sloppy joes, and we’re going to watch a comedy. It is now my mission to get you to laugh tonight.”

Cas snorted. “I’m sorry to inform you that you’re going to fail at that mission.” 

Gabriel raised an eyebrow. “Is that so?” 

Cas nodded curtly. “Yes.” 

“Well, I’m not going to give up, I’ll tickle you if I must!” 

Cas turned his head to look at the window, watching houses and street signs pass by him in a blur. “Gabe, you know I’m not ticklish,” he said. 

“Everyone’s ticklish Cassie, and one of these days I _will_ find out where your weak spot is,” Gabriel declared.

Gabe was right, most everyone was ticklish in at least one part of their body, and Cas _did_ have a weak spot, but the only person that had ever found it was Dean, and he fully intended to keep it that way. 

When they entered Gabe’s house, Cas deposited his bag in the guest room and then went to join Gabriel in the kitchen. “Do you need help?” he asked. 

Gabriel shook his head and waved Cas away. “No, go relax, let me do my thing.” 

With a sigh, Cas went into the living room and fell down onto the couch. His head rested against the back of the couch as he stared at the ceiling. _H_ _ow had his life changed so unexpectedly so fast?_

The sloppy joes were amazing, as usual, because ever since he met Kali, Gabe was a master in the kitchen. His brother joined him on the couch where he queued up _Ferris Bueler’s Day Off_. Gabriel was already laughing within the first couple minutes of the movie when the teacher repeatedly kept asking ‘Bueler? Bueler? Bueler?’, but Cas wasn’t feeling in a comedic mood. 

Inevitably, Gabriel did not succeed in getting Cas to laugh, or smile for that matter. Cas went to bed that night feeling more alone than ever, wondering if he would ever get his husband back. 

****

“You’re sure this is okay, Castiel?” Kali asked as she shrugged off her coat and handed it to Gabriel so he could hang it up. 

“Yes, I need a night out anyway,” Cas replied. 

Gabriel pulled Cas into a hug. “Thanks, you’re the best.” 

“You two have fun now,” Cas said as he pulled on his trench coat. 

“Oh we will,” Gabriel replied. 

Cas rolled his eyes with a snort. “I’ll just be at the bar down the street.” 

Without waiting for a reply, Cas left and began the five minute walk to the bar, which was called _Hellhounds_ and was owned by a portly man named Crowley. Cas enjoyed the cool spring air on his face as he walked and listened to the sound of night creatures scuttling around in the trees. When he reached _Hellhounds,_ he took a seat at the bar counter and the barista, Meg, came over to serve him. 

“Now what drags you in here so early at night, Clarence?” she asked as she poured Cas a glass of whiskey. Cas wasn’t a regular at the bar, but he frequented it enough with Dean that he was known to many of the baristas and other workers. 

“It’s a long story,” Cas replied as he picked up his glass and downed the liquid Meg had just poured. 

Meg gestured around the almost empty bar, it was just Cas and two other men who were having a small conversation at a table over their burgers and fries. “I’ve got time. Spill it.” Cas tapped at his glass and Meg quickly refilled it. He kicked the glass back again and let the burn of liquor settle against his throat. _Man did he really need this drink._ “Hello?” Meg said as she snapped her fingers in front of Cas’ face. “Earth to Castiel, tell me what’s up with you.” 

Cas sighed and licked his lips, cleaning any remaining whiskey from his mouth. “My whole life has been flipped upside down and then shoved into a blender that was set to puree,” Cas replied darkly. 

Meg seemed to start as realization fell across her face. “I can’t help noticing that _Dean_ isn’t here. Trouble in paradise?” she asked, a small smirk on her lips. 

Cas glared at her, _this was not a matter to be joked about._

“That doesn’t even begin to cover it,” he mumbled. 

Meg’s smirk faded and she poured Cas another glass. “Well, I’m all ears, maybe I can help.” 

Cas shook his head and raised his replenished glass to his lips. “You can’t.” 

“Try me, I’m surprisingly good at relationship advice, kind of have to be, working as a barista and all.”

Cas gulped back his drink and set it down sharply on the table. “Dean was in an accident,” he stated bluntly. 

Meg’s eyes widened and she let out a slow breath of air. “Jesus Cas, I didn’t realize, I’m sorry. Is he…” 

Cas shook his head. _H_ _e might as well be though, the Dean that woke up in that hospital was a completely different person, as if his husband had been erased; killed_.

“He-” Cas choked on his words and fixed the glass in his hands with a sharp stare. “He doesn’t remember me,” he said in a broken sob. 

Meg was silent for a moment, Cas couldn’t bring himself to look up at her. He didn’t want to see the pity in her eyes because he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep himself together, his eyes were already beginning to become tearful enough as it was. 

“I am so, sorry,” Meg said quietly as one hand came down on Cas’ arm and the other grasped his free hand. 

“Yeah, so unless you know how to bring back people’s memories, I don’t think you can help me,” Cas replied bitterly. 

“Maybe not, but I do have control over the alcohol in this joint, so at least I can help you in some way,” Meg said as she released Cas’ hand and poured him another glass. 

Cas didn’t care that he was already feeling the effect of his last three drinks, the corners of his vision were beginning to feather in a blur and his eyes were drooping. He _needed_ this, he needed to let the alcohol run its course, maybe it would help dull the aching pain that was pulsing where his heart was supposed to be. 

Cas wasn’t sure how long he sat at the counter, but by the time he got up to leave, he was blissfully drunk.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Meg asked as Cas began to stumble towards the door. 

“To bed,” Cas slurred back. 

Meg clicked her tongue in disapproval. “You’re an officer of the law, you of all people should know you’re in no state to drive. Let me get my keys and I’ll bring you home."

Cas waved her off as he gripped the side of the doorway to keep himself steady. “No need. ‘M stayin’ with Gabe.” 

“Then I’m walking you back to Gabe's,” Meg replied as-a-matter-of-factly.

“No need,” Cas repeated, but Meg was already by his side and she linked an arm with his.

“I insist.”

Cas was in no state to argue with her, so he allowed himself to be guided down the street and back to his brother’s house. When Meg pushed open the door Gabriel looked up from the couch where he was sitting with Kali asleep on his lap. “Oh hi Meg,” he said in a surprised whisper. 

“Evening Gabriel,” Meg replied with a smirk. 

Gabriel shifted under his girlfriend and came over to wrap an arm around Cas’ shoulders. “Thanks for returning my brother.” 

“My pleasure. Fair warning, he’s going to have a wicked hangover tomorrow.”

“I’m sure,” Gabriel said as Cas slumped against him with a groan. 

“Well, I’ll be off, you have a good night now,” Meg said as she backed out of the house. 

Cas heard the door shut and then Gabriel whispered gently in his ear. “Let’s get you to bed baby bro.” Cas let Gabriel help him into the guest room where he collapsed on the bed without even bothering to take off his shoes. “Sleep well, Cas,” Gabe said as he pulled a blanket over him. 

The alcohol was the only thing that allowed him to forget that Dean was not beside him, and so he was asleep before Gabriel even left the room.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean looked up from the block tower he was building with Henry as the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it!” he called to Eileen who was sitting in the kitchen. “I’ll be right back buddy,” Dean said to Henry who fixed him with a sad pout. 

When Dean opened the door he did not expect to find the smiling face of his fiery red-headed best friend.

“Hey Dean!” Charlie exclaimed as she threw herself into Dean’s arms. “It’s good to see you up and around!”

“Charlie, hi,” Dean spluttered in surprise. “Uh, what are you doing here?” 

“Sam called me,” Charlie replied. “And I’m guessing he didn’t warn you.” Dean shook his head as Charlie stepped past him into the house and made a beeline for Henry, whose face spread into a wide grin. “Hey there big guy!” Charlie said as she tousled the toddlers' hair. 

Henry beamed at her, his hazel eyes wide in happiness. “‘Arlie!” 

Charlie laughed and let the kid fall into her arms. “It’s good to see you.” 

“Uh, Charlie,” Dean said as he shut the door and made his way into the living room. “Why are you here?” 

Charlie straightened up and her smile faded. “Like I said, Sam called. He thought you could use a friend.” 

Dean sighed. “I’m fine.” 

Charlie crossed her arms. “You don’t _look_ fine.” 

“Well I am,” Dean growled. “You don’t have to stay.” 

Charlie snorted and pointed a finger at him. “You are not getting rid of me that easily. I'm not going anywhere, you’re stuck with me.”

“Charlie, I’m good, really,” Dean said. 

“No, you aren’t. You’re hurting and you’re scared. I’ve known you since the second grade, I can see right through you, so stop lying,” Charlie replied pointedly. 

Dean sighed. _She was right of course_. “Maybe, but that doesn’t mean you can help make it any better.” 

“ _That_ is where you’re wrong,” Charlie replied, a devilish grin spread across her face. She swung the satchel-like bag that was resting on her hip in front of her and pulled out a DVD box. “I’ve brought _Star Wars_ , and we’re going to make some popcorn and marathon the first three movies; and you are going to tell me everything that’s going on in that jumbled up brain of yours.” 

Arguing with Charlie was never a good idea, so Dean gave in with a heavy sigh. “Fine.”

Triumphant, Charlie handed Dean a bag of popcorn and then headed over to the TV to begin to set up the movie, which left Dean to go into the kitchen to make the popcorn. Eileen turned to look at him when he walked into the room. “I’m glad Charlie could make it,” she said. 

Dean gaped at her. “You _knew_ she was coming?” 

“Of course,” Eileen replied. 

“Well why didn’t I get the memo?” Dean asked indignantly. 

“Because Sam knew you’d argue,” Eileen answered easily. 

Dean huffed and began to unwrap the popcorn packet. “Doesn’t mean a heads up wouldn’t have been nice,” he mumbled as he placed the popcorn in the microwave and set the timer to three minutes. 

Charlie came into the kitchen a minute later, a peppy grin on her face. “Movie’s all ready to go.” 

Dean stuck a thumb over his shoulder to point at the microwave. “Popcorn’s almost done.” 

“Excellent,” Charlie replied. 

When the timer went off on the microwave Dean took the steaming bag out and shook it gently before pulling it open, allowing the fresh aroma of buttered popcorn to fill the room. He followed Charlie into the living room where he sat down next to her and she pressed play. The opening title sequence for _Star Wars A New Hope_ began to roll across the screen and Dean stuffed a handful of popcorn in his mouth. 

“So,” Charlie said quietly beside him, “how are you?” 

Dean didn’t turn his attention from the screen as he swallowed his popcorn and licked the butter from his lips. “I don’t know,” he replied honestly. 

Charlie nodded in understanding and plunged her hand into the popcorn bag. “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.” 

“It’s awful,” Dean said bluntly. 

“I’ll bet.” 

Dean sighed as he watched Vader enter the spaceship in a cloud of smoke. “And I...I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about…” 

“Cas,” Charlie finished for him.

Dean nodded slowly. “Yeah.” 

Charlie pulled her attention from the TV and fixed Dean with a very harsh stare. “Listen to me very closely, Dean Winchester. Memories or not, you had better not leave him.” 

“Charlie I-” 

“No,” Charlie cut him off sharply. “You _can’t_ leave him, Dean. I don’t think he could take the pain.” 

Something clicked in Dean’s brain and he stared questioningly at Charlie. “What… do you think he’d…” Dean swallowed hard and dared to ask the last part of the question, “Kill himself?” 

“I don’t know, but it’s possible,” Charlie replied evenly. 

“I’m missing something important, aren’t I?” Dean asked carefully. 

Charlie sighed and placed a piece of popcorn into her mouth. “You saved him, Dean. Four years ago you stopped him from putting a gun in his mouth and pulling the trigger.” 

Dean let out a low breath of air. “Wow.” 

“He’s better now, way better. He got help, thanks to you, but he could still relapse at any moment, and something this big might push him over the edge. I just felt like you needed to know, so you can see why it’s so hard for Cas to know you can’t remember everything you’ve done for him,” Charlie replied. 

“Thank you for telling me, Charlie,” he said quietly. “I wish I _could_ remember. It’s eating away at me that I can’t.”

“I know it is,” Charlie replied as she placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“I’m not planning to leave Cas,” Dean said as he focused back on the movie. _It was true, he’d decided that he couldn’t just walk out on him._ “I wouldn’t do that to him.” 

Charlie nodded approvingly. “Good.” 

When Charlie left, after they’d spent six hours watching _Star Wars_ , Dean had to admit he did feel slightly better. Apart from the conversation at the beginning of their marathon, it had been good to take his mind off of everything. There were only four more days left in his week of sanction at Sam’s house, and he was still no closer to knowing how he was going to start a conversation with Cas when he saw him. 

****

When Sam pulled into the driveway of his and Cas’ house, Dean couldn’t help but be a little surprised. The fresh green lawn was recently mowed, the brick walkway that led up to the front door was free of weeds, and the house itself looked very welcoming. There was a one story garage with only one door, a black Ford, that Dean assumed was Cas’, was parked in the driveway which could only mean that Dean’s Impala was inside the garage. The two story house itself was connected to the garage and painted a light blue. 

“Come on,” Sam said as he pushed open his door. 

Dean hesitated for a second as his heart began to bump sharply against his chest. He shook himself and took a deep breath before he stepped out of the car and pulled his bag from the trunk. He joined his brother by the walkway and together they headed up to the front door. Dean felt his stomach flip as nerves took hold of him and he glanced nervously at Sam. “Sammy-” 

“You’ll be fine, Dean,” Sam interrupted, knowing exactly what Dean was going to say, _that he couldn’t do this, that he still didn’t know what to say, that he was terrified of hurting the man he supposedly loved._

Sam knocked on the door and within seconds, Cas was standing in front of them, his hair was slightly disheveled and there were dark circles under his blue eyes. Dean couldn’t help but admit that Cas did have very beautiful eyes, it wasn’t hard to get lost in them. The sight of Cas made Dean’s heart leap into his throat, but he forced a smile to his face and tightened his hold on his bag. “Hey, Cas.”

“Hello, Dean,” Cas replied. Dean saw his eyes flick over him briefly before he turned to Sam. “Would you like to come in?” 

Sam shook his head. “No, sorry, I have to get to work.” 

Cas nodded, Dean thought he saw a little bit of fear in the way he shifted on his feet. “Okay.” 

“I’ll call to check in after I get home,” Sam said. “Take care.” He clapped his hand on Dean’s shoulder and gave Cas a quick smile before he began to head back to his car. 

Cas cleared his throat and stepped aside in the doorway. “Come on in.” Dean swallowed his fear and crossed the threshold into the house. “I assume you’ll want the tour.” There was a joking sound to Cas’ voice, but Dean heard the pain there too. 

“Uh, yeah, that’d be great,” Dean replied. 

The first thing that Dean saw when he entered the house were stairs leading to the second floor, but Cas didn’t bring him upstairs, instead he took a right and Dean followed him into what he assumed was the living room. There was a soft-looking tan rug covering part of the hardwood floor, a large leather couch sat against the far wall and was pointed towards a flat screen TV that rested on a wooden table, and on the wall behind the couch Dean saw a few pictures. The one in the center was their wedding photo, but it wasn’t the one that Dean had found in Sam’s house, in this one they were both looking at the camera with their arms around each other and smiles on their faces. There was another picture of them at their wedding, grinning beside their wedding cake, and there was a picture of Sam, Eileen, and Henry.

To the right of the couch was a table that was pushed up against the window of the room, _Sorry_ , _Monopoly,_ and _Clue_ sat on top of it, and to the left of the table was a bookshelf, that housed too many books for Dean to spend time pursuing, and to the right of the table was a shelf that was adorned with more pictures and a CD player. 

“Welcome to our living room,” Cas said. 

“It’s nice,” Dean commented as he took a step towards the pictures on the wall, wanting to get a closer look at their wedding picture. 

Cas shifted awkwardly beside the couch. “I can take that down if it bothers you,” he said in a whisper of uncertainty. 

Dean snapped his gaze to Cas, the man was ringing his hands together and his pale cheeks were tinted slightly red. “No, Cas, you don’t have to, it doesn’t bother me.” 

“Are you sure?” Cas asked, blue eyes tainted with uncertainty. 

“I’m sure,” Dean replied earnestly. 

Cas’ shoulders seemed to sink in relief. “Okay.” 

Dean smiled at him and then let his eyes move to the open wall behind Cas. “Shall we continue the tour?” he asked. 

Cas nodded and brought Dean into a small room that only had a few things in it, four chairs that were situated around a coffee table by the fireplace, and a piano. Dean’s eyes fell across the piano and he couldn’t help but run his fingers over the keys, pressing down gently on middle C. He was conscious of Cas’ eyes on him and he pulled his hand away.

“You can play if you want,” Cas said quietly.

Dean had been playing piano since he was four, and by now he was pretty damn good at it, and while his fingers itched to fly across the keys he forced himself to turn away. “Maybe later.”

Cas led Dean into the kitchen which was comprised of a dark granite counter that encompassed three out of four walls of the kitchen, with an island in the middle that had two chairs pushed underneath it. The sink was on the far side of the kitchen in front of the window that looked out into the driveway, to the right of the sink, tucked away under the counter, was the dishwasher, and continuing to the right was the oven and microwave. “So this is the kitchen,” Cas said. 

“I got that, thanks captain obvious,” Dean replied with a chuckle. 

The corners of Cas’ mouth twitched with a small smile. “Just making sure,” he said. 

Cas brought Dean back around to the front door and then they mounted the stairs. Straight ahead, Dean saw the doors of what Cas explained were their two guest rooms. The left side of the upstairs hallway had a few closets and the laundry and dryer machines, the right side had the door to a bathroom and another room. “That’s my office,” Cas said.

“Ah,” Dean replied. “Busy man of the law, aren’t you?” 

Cas huffed a short chuckle. “Yeah.” 

The door at the end of the hallway was drawing closer and Cas reached out to open it and lead them into the master bedroom. Dean let out a low whistle as he took in the room. The walls were painted with the same light blue that covered the outside of the house. There was a king sized bed situated in the middle of the room that was covered with a fluffy white duvet. Beside the bed were two nightstands, Dean quickly noticed which side of the bed was his due to the leather bracelet that was sitting on the nightstand. There were two chairs facing the far window with a small table between them. A bookshelf sat in the corner of the room by the chairs, their dresser was pushed against the wall to the right of the door, and another door led off into what Dean assumed was the bathroom.

“Wow,” Dean said in awe as he stepped up to the bed and sat down. He sank comfortably into the memory foam and when he glanced over at Cas he saw sadness in his eyes and the set of his jaw. He stood back up and crossed the room to stand in front of him. “Look, Cas, I know we need to talk.” 

Cas nodded, his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. “Yeah.” 

Dean stepped back towards the bed and when he sat down he patted the mattress beside him. “So, let’s talk.”

Hesitantly, Cas came to join him. Cas sat down and bent his head to look at his hands, Dean noticed him playing with his wedding ring.

“Cas,” Dean said softly as he reached out to take one of Cas’ hands in his own. Cas looked up at Dean in surprise and Dean smiled at him. “Before I say anything else, I need to tell you that I’m not going anywhere. I’m not moving out, I’m not asking for a divorce, I’m not leaving you, okay?” Cas’ eyes pooled quickly with tears as he stared at Dean in what could only be shock. _He really thought I’d leave,_ Dean realized. 

“Really?” 

Dean nodded. “Yes, really.”

“Thank you,” Cas breathed out in a small sob as his shoulders shook with tears. 

Dean didn’t know what made him do it, but his arm seemed to act of its own accord and soon he was pulling Cas into a hug and Cas pushed his face into Dean’s shoulder. “I’m not saying it’s going to be easy,” he said against Cas’ hair. “I’m still not sure how I’m feeling about all of this, but I’m sure I married you for a reason and while I might not have my memories, that doesn’t mean we can’t make new ones.” 

Cas clutched at Dean’s shirt as his cries deepened and all Dean could do was tighten his grip around him and let Cas’ tears dampen his shirt.


	6. Chapter 6

Cas felt overwhelming relief spread through his body as he buried himself in Dean’s strong arms. _Dean wasn’t going to leave him, Dean was going to stay_. “Thank you,” he sobbed again. “Thank you.” 

Dean’s hands rubbed gently at Cas’ back. “Of course,” he whispered in reply. 

When Cas managed to pull himself away from his husband he wiped at his tears and sniffed. “Sorry,” he apologized as he glanced fervently up at Dean. 

Dean smiled softly, understanding in his impressive green gaze. “It’s okay.” 

Cas wiped at his face and turned away from Dean. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.” 

“You have nothing to apologize for, Cas.” 

Cas blinked away more tears. It felt like there was something trapped in the back of his throat, a ball that he couldn’t swallow. The Dean who sat in front of him was so achingly similar to the man he married. He was kind, understanding, and selfless, always putting himself before others. Cas could almost see his husband in the green of Dean’s eyes, but it was like he was hidden behind a dark cloud and no matter how much he looked, how much he searched the emptiness for him, there wasn’t enough light to shine into the darkness. 

Cas shook his head and sniffed. “No, I am sorry. I told myself I was going to keep it together today, but…” he hung his head as he trailed off and suddenly became very fascinated with his hands.

“Cas,” Dean said, his deep voice drawing Cas’ eyes back to his face. “I’m not the only one going through something here, and as hard as this is for me, it’s harder for you because you have the benefits of your memories, I don’t.” 

Cas could only stare at Dean. _How could Dean possibly be this understanding? How could he still seem to read Cas like an open book when he had no memories of their shared life?_

Dean continued on as his green eyes turned slightly playful. “Speaking of memories, I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind telling me another story, about us,” Dean glanced away sheepishly and licked his lips, a nervous tick that Castiel couldn’t help but love. 

Cas sat up a little straighter and wiped away the last of his tears. “What would you like to know?” 

“Anything, really,” Dean replied. “Maybe… you said you needed to get your car fixed and so you came to my shop, what about that story?” 

Cas nodded. “Okay, I can tell you that story if you’d like.” 

“Please,” Dean replied. 

_Cas sighed as he climbed into his dark blue Buick and pulled out of the garage of his apartment complex. He’d already had a long day at work and was about to settle down with some leftover pizza he’d ordered the other night and catch up on some TV, when Gabriel texted, claiming that someone had broken into his house. Cas had to remind Gabe that he was off duty and to call the police officers that were_ on _duty, but Gabriel had insisted that he wasn’t quite sure if he was imagining things or not and didn’t want to bother other officers with something that might turn out to be trivial. Being the wonderful brother that he is, Cas had begrudgingly agreed to come and abolish his worries._

_He was halfway to Gabriel’s house when his car began to groan. The headlights flickered on and off a few times before deciding to remain off, and the interior lights of his car blew out along with them. Cas guided the car to the side of the road and when it came to a stop he tried to restart it, to no avail._

_“Are you fucking serious?” Cas hissed as he smacked his hands against the steering wheel. This was the last thing he needed today. With a grumble, he popped the hood, pulled a flashlight out of the glove-box, and got out of the car to see what was wrong._

_The engine seemed perfectly intact and Cas let out a low huff. He fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed Gabe’s number. “Hey baby bro, are you on your way?”_

_“I was, but my car broke down,” Cas replied._

_“Do you need me to come pick you up?” Gabe asked._

_“No, there’s an auto shop just down the road, so I’m going to go get a tow. I’ll come to you if it’s something that can be fixed quickly, but I might have to call it a night. If you really think someone broke into your house, call the_ on duty _police.”_

_Gabe sighed. “Alright fine. Take care of yourself, okay?”_

_“Yeah, I will.” Cas hung up and then headed off down the street to the auto shop. The walk took him about ten minutes and when he stepped up to the front desk he was greeted by a young blond haired girl._

_“Can I help you?” she asked._

_Cas cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah, hi…” Cas squinted at the name stitched into her blue jumpsuit. “Jo. Um, my car broke down just a ten minute walk from here and I was wondering if I could get a tow.”_

_“Sure thing,” Jo replied. “Why don’t you head out into the garage and I’ll send someone to meet you with the tow truck.”_

_“Great, thanks,” Cas said with a smile._

_Cas stepped back outside and made his way over to the giant garage section of the complex. The garage was empty of people, but there were many cars in varying states of repair. Cas’ eyes were roaming over a yellow buggy, that was missing all its doors, when the sound of tires on gravel made him turn his head. A tow truck pulled to a stop and the driver hopped down from his seat and came around to greet Castiel._

_Cas couldn’t help but smile when he saw a pair of green eyes staring at him through the lights of the garage. “Well well well,” Dean said with a grin as he crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Look who we have here, in need of my assistance.”_

_“Hello Dean,” Cas replied._

_“Having car trouble, officer?” Dean asked, there was a sly glint to his eyes._

_“Unfortunately,” Cas answered._ Or maybe it was fortunately _, he added quietly to himself as his eyes flicked over Dean’s many freckles._

_“Well, hop in, let’s go see what we can do about that,” Dean said as he waved towards the tow truck. Cas climbed in beside Dean and directed him towards his Buick._

_When they arrived, Dean got quickly out of the car and was already at the hood of his car when Cas jumped down to join him. “What do you think’s wrong?”_

_Dean hummed in thought and then straightened up. “Pretty sure you’ve got a few things wrong."_

_Cas groaned. “Great, like what?”_

_“The spark plugs for one,” Dean replied. “And I think your battery is on its last legs too.”_

_“Wonderful,” Cas muttered._

_“Don’t you worry, I’ll get you fixed up in no time,” Dean replied._

_Cas watched as Dean slammed the hood shut and then went to attach the tow cable. Once he’d jacked up the car he grinned at Cas and said, “Alrighty, let’s get this baby some help.” Cas climbed back into the tow truck and Dean sent them off to the auto shop._

_When they reached the garage Dean put Cas’ car next to a green land rover and then brushed his hands off on his pants. “So, unfortunately we’re closing in five minutes so I won’t have time to fix her up today, but I’ll get right on her in the morning. Can I give you a lift home?”_

_Cas nodded. “Yes, thank you, that would be nice.”_

_“Give me two minutes, I just need to tell Jo I’m leaving.”_

_“Okay,” Cas replied._

_Dean ran off and Cas was left to wait beside his useless car. He shot Gabe a quick text telling him he wasn’t going to make it and when his green eyed friend returned ,he followed him out into the parking lot and Dean unlocked the doors of a beautiful 1967 Chevrolet Impala._

_“Hop in,” Dean said._

_“This is yours?” Cas gasped in surprise._

_Dean smirked at him. “Yup. She was my Dad’s and now she’s mine.”_

_“She’s gorgeous,” Cas said._

_“Yeah she is,” Dean agreed as he brought the car to life, eliciting a rumbling purr from the engine. Dean backed out of the parking lot and placed them on the road. “I’m going to need some directions,” he said as he drove._

_“It’s just down the road, keep going straight,” Cas replied._

_Dean did, and soon they were back at Cas’ apartment and he was left to get out of the car. “Here,” Dean held out what looked like a business card and Cas took it from him, “that’s my number, call me with any questions about your car.”_

_“Thank you,” Cas replied._

_“Sure thing, see you around, Cas.” Dean winked and then he was driving off in the opposite direction of Cas’ apartment and Cas was left to go inside._

“So, I assume you called my number,” Dean said with a grin. 

Cas chuckled. “No. I texted.” 

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Oh I see.” 

“Yeah, you gave me updates while you fixed my car. Actually, you did more than fix it. You not only replaced the battery and spark plugs, you changed the tires and my oil, you gave my car a full tune up and you didn’t even charge me for it.” 

“Well it looks like I was clearly smitten with you, before I was even ready to admit it,” Dean said. 

Cas blushed. “That day was only the beginning. We texted a lot after that, silly stuff, like what we were doing or eating, nothing interesting. It was when we started hanging out that the love began to blossom.” 

Dean nodded and Cas saw a sad look come over his face. “I wish I could remember it.” 

Cas sighed, bracing himself against the tears that wanted to fall again. “Yeah, me too.” He sniffed and stood up, wiping again at his eyes. “So, uh, I made up a guest room for you.” 

Dean joined Cas on his feet. “Oh?” 

“I just figured that you wouldn’t want to stay in here,” Cas replied. 

“Thanks,” Dean said. Dean stooped to pick up his discarded bag and then Cas led Dean down the hall to the guest room. 

“I’ll let you unpack, there’s more of your clothes in the room, feel free to move them,” Cas said before he left and headed back downstairs. 

Having Dean so close to him again felt so good, but it came with a shadow of sadness. Even though Dean was going to stay, it wasn’t going to be the same. He was happy to have Dean around again, but he wasn’t ready for the extra dose of pain he was going to get every morning when he saw his husband in their kitchen reading the morning paper with eyes that didn’t hold any of their shared memories. He was just going to have to bear it, because the alternative was losing him and Cas didn’t think he’d be able to handle that.


	7. Chapter 7

Dean sat down on the guest bed and let out a long sigh. His shirt was still damp from where Cas had cried against him and so he tugged it over his head and pulled out a new one from his bag. Dean glanced around the simple guest room, with its light turquoise walls and scant furniture. Nothing but a mirror hung from the wall and Dean couldn’t help but notice just how different it was from the master bedroom. He was surprised that they lived in such a luscious house, he didn’t think that he and Cas made enough money between them to support this kind of living, he’d have to ask Cas about it later. 

Dean decided that he should probably unpack, so he began to put his clean clothes in the small dresser on the other side of the room and then went to try and find the rest of his clothes in the other bedroom. Cas had gone downstairs, so the room was empty when he walked in, which he was thankful for. Dean quickly found his side of the dresser and grabbed a handful of jeans, t-shirts, socks, and underwear to bring back to the guest room. Once he’d stuffed all his clothes into the dresser, he headed downstairs to find Cas. 

Cas was in the kitchen, standing at the stove, a spatula in hand. Dean wrinkled his nose as he entered the room, the smell of something burning was very prominent.

“What are you trying to make? Charcoal sandwiches?” Dean asked as he came over to peer at the burning attempt at a grilled cheese that was smoking in front of Cas. 

Cas sighed and set the spatula down. “I’m not much of a cook,” he admitted, cheeks slightly flushed with red. 

Dean smirked and nudged Cas aside, pulling two new slices of bread from the bag beside the stove. “Allow me.” Cas stepped away and let Dean butter up the bread - albeit slowly because of the cast on his arm- before placing two slices of cheese between them. Dean felt Cas’ eyes on him and he turned briefly to look at him. “What?”

Cas’ eyes shifted to the floor. “Nothing, just… you… you’d always do that whenever I tried to make anything.” 

_Of course he did. Maybe coming here was a bad idea, maybe being with Cas was hurting him more than helping him_.

“Look, Cas…” Dean cleared his throat and flipped over the sizzling sandwich. “I want to make sure you want me here. I don’t want to stay if it makes you uncomfortable, if all I’m going to do is remind you of the memories I’ve lost then maybe I should go.” 

“No,” Cas replied quickly. “No, I want you to stay.” 

“Are you sure?” Dean asked. 

Cas nodded stiffly. “Yes. I’ll admit having you here is… it’s hard, but… I don’t want you to go.” 

Dean offered Cas a small smile. “Then I won’t go. But just so we’re clear, if you say the word, I’ll leave. Even if you just need me gone for a day or two, I don’t want to cause you any grief.” 

“Thank you, Dean.” 

“Yeah, no problem,” Dean replied as he once again flipped over the grilled cheese. “I think this bad boy is done,” he declared as he reached for the plate Cas had set aside. 

When Dean handed Cas the sandwich, Cas took it with a smile and then sat down on one of the stools to eat at the island. Dean cooked himself his own sandwich and then joined Cas.

“I don’t understand how you make these so well,” Cas said as he bit into the remaining half of his grilled cheese.

Dean shrugged. “Practice. It’s all about making sure you don’t have the heat on too high until the cheese is a little melty, and then you turn it up once it is.” 

Cas nodded. “I see.” 

They finished their sandwiches in silence and when Cas offered to clean up, Dean went into the living room and found himself looking through the bookshelf. The spine of a large leather photo album caught his eye and he tugged it off the shelf, his curiosity piqued. What was engraved in the front of the album made Dean’s heart clench in his chest: _Dean + Cas’ Greatest Hits._

He made his way to the couch and opened it carefully. Pictures spilled out in front of him, of him and Cas on a beach, in front of his car, kissing at their wedding, smiling over a beer. Dean got lost in all of the pictures, his heart aching to remember having them taken. 

Dean hardly even noticed when Cas sat down next to him and pulled a picture from the album, it was the one that Dean had seen in Sam’s house.

“This is my favorite,” Cas said thoughtfully. 

“Sam has that one in his guest room,” Dean replied. 

Cas laughed softly. “Yeah, that’s because you and I are the only guests he and Eileen ever get, so he keeps it there for us, whenever we stay over.” 

“Yeah, that sounds like Sam alright,” Dean chuckled. He glanced over Cas’ shoulder at the picture. “What were we laughing at?”

“Honestly, I don’t remember exactly what it was, but you made some dumb joke and we couldn’t stop laughing for about five minutes,” Cas replied, there was a small smile on his lips, one Dean knew was associated with remembering something, and oh how he _wished_ he could remember it too. 

“Seems about right,” Dean said with a laugh. Cas placed the photo back in the album and then Dean shut the book and put it on the coffee table. “It looks like we were really happy,” he commented offhandedly. 

Cas nodded, his blue eyes shadowed in sadness. “We were.” 

Dean stood up to put the photo album away and when he turned around, after successfully placing the leather book back on the shelf, he said, “I think I’m going to go check on Baby.” 

“I was waiting for you to say that,” Cas replied with a chuckle. 

Dean smirked and headed towards the kitchen. “Garage is this way, right?”

“Right.” 

Dean entered the kitchen and then went through the small mudroom and out into the garage. The Impala was jacked up off the ground, the hood was open, and a toolbox sat on a bench beside the car. Dean stepped up to the polished door of the car and let his fingers run across her paint. “Hey girl, did you miss me?” he asked gently. “Let’s get you back on the ground and we’ll go for a drive so I can try and figure out what’s wrong.” 

Dean closed the hood and then began to lower the car back to the ground. Once all four tires were on the floor, Dean moved the carjack and went back inside to find the keys. Cas was standing in the mudroom and Dean nearly ran into him in his haste to get into the house.

“Sorry,” Cas apologized first. “I just figured you’d need these.” He held up the Impala’s keys and Dean grinned. 

“Thanks,” he replied as he took the keys from Cas, “those were just what I was looking for.” 

Dean turned back to the garage and then climbed into Baby and let her engine rumble to life. He could already hear the rattling noise that he’d apparently been trying to fix. A few ideas popped into his mind about what it could be, but he decided to take a drive anyway just to rule out a few possibilities.

He hated that the cast on his right arm made it just a little bit difficult to shift into drive, but he managed it anyway and sent the Impala out of the garage. It felt good to be back in his car again, just driving, he felt at peace as the road rushed past under the Impala’s black tires. As he continued to drive, he could still hear the rattling noise and his theories began to fill his mind, but one lingered more than others; he was pretty sure it was the valve train. 

When he pulled back into the garage he popped the hood. His eyes roved over the engine until he located the valves, his suspicions were confirmed when he saw that one of them was a bit loose. It was a quick fix, and when he turned the engine back on there was nothing but the beautiful growl that Dean prided Baby for. With a smirk of satisfaction on his lips, he headed back inside to find Cas in the living room watching TV. 

“Did you find the problem?” Cas asked. 

“Yup, all fixed,” Dean replied with a grin. 

“Good, I’m glad.” 

Dean sat down next to Cas and Cas moved over to make some room for him on the couch. They didn’t say anything else, just watched a rerun of some _Doctor Who_ episode while Dean tried to quench the feelings of sorrow and unease that were eating at him. To Cas, this must be so close to normal, his husband sitting by his side, watching TV. While to Dean, it was just strange; being in a house he had no recollection of buying, seated beside a man that was his _husband_. 

Everything was so new to him, especially realizing that he’d accepted the feelings he had towards men that he’d shoved deep down, but if he could do it once, he could do it again, and so he was going to try. He was going to try to be Cas’ husband again, he was going to relearn everything he had forgotten, because there was something about Cas, something that made him _want_ to keep scratching at the memories he knew he must have. He didn’t know what it was, maybe the blue eyes or the deep gravelly voice, or the way he said Dean’s name that almost caused him to shiver, but there was _something_ about Castiel that Dean couldn’t shake. He would do his best to stop fighting what his father had ingrained in him, and accept who he had become, because if he didn’t start there, then he was going to be on this road forever. Besides, Dean couldn’t deny that Cas was handsome, with his dark hair and his chiseled cheekbones that were covered with the lightest shadow of stubble; if he had to wake up married to anyone, he was glad it was Cas.


	8. Chapter 8

Cas woke to the smell of bacon and the soft sound of eggs sizzling in a pan. He rolled over to look at the clock and saw that it was already eight.

_Shit, he had to be out the door in fifteen minutes or he’d be late for work._

Forcing himself out of bed, Cas undressed, stepped into his police uniform, and secured his gun in it’s holster before heading downstairs.

Dean was at the stove, humming quietly to himself as he flipped over bacon strips. When he heard Cas enter the kitchen, he turned around and then let out a low whistle.

“Wow.” 

Cas couldn’t stop the blush from rising on his cheeks. He wanted to say that it was nothing Dean hadn’t seen before, but then he had to remind himself that Dean didn’t remember seeing him in his uniform. Instead of saying anything, he sat down at the island and Dean placed a steaming pile of eggs and bacon in front of him. 

“I really like a man in uniform, don’t I?” Dean chuckled as he smirked at Cas. 

Cas’ blush deepened. “I guess so.” 

Dean piled his own plate high with scrambled eggs and then sat down next to Cas.

“So, you’re back to the grind today, are you?” 

Cas nodded as he chewed on a piece of bacon. “Yeah.” 

“Me too,” Dean said as he raised a fork dripping with eggs to his mouth. “Although, I don’t have to be in until ten.” 

“Lucky you,” Cas replied through a yawn. 

Dean’s eyes narrowed and pointed his fork at Cas. “Did you sleep okay last night?” 

Cas sighed and stared at his eggs. “Not really, no.” _I haven’t slept well since your accident, I’m not used to being alone at night._

Concern filled Dean’s green eyes. “Anything I can do to help?” 

Cas wanted to cry.

_Yes, you can remember our life together, you can come back into our room, you can be my husband again._

“No, I just couldn’t get comfortable, I’m sure I’ll sleep better tonight,” he lied. 

Dean frowned at him, unconvinced, but didn’t push further. “Okay.” 

Cas finished his eggs and downed a cup of coffee, since he knew he wouldn’t have time to stop at _Angel’s Halo_ , and then shrugged into his trench coat and picked up his keys. He almost found himself moving towards Dean for a kiss but he stopped himself and smiled at him instead. “I’ll see you after I get back from work.” 

“See ya, Cas,” Dean replied as he picked up their empty plates and headed towards the dishwasher. 

Cas climbed into his police cruiser and let out a heavy sigh. Going back to work meant that he had to face his coworkers and their questions as well as the pity that he was very likely to see in their eyes. Straightening up, he pushed the key into the ignition and set off towards his precinct.

As soon as he walked through the door he was met with a swarm of people, crowding around him and asking how he was. Cas ignored them all and made a beeline for his desk, wanting to sit down and get lost in all the paperwork he was sure to have. While he felt the stares of all the other officers boring into his back with curiosity, he forced himself to focus on the task at hand. 

Cas had only been sitting for about two minutes, when someone he couldn’t ignore sat down next to him.

“Hey, Cas.” 

Cas sighed and looked over at his best friend. “Hello Inias.” 

“You’ve been radio silent for days, I tried texting and calling, but you never answered. I was worried I’d have to make a house call,” Inias said with a small chuckle. 

“I’m fine, Inais,” Cas grumbled through gritted teeth. 

“And Dean?” Inias asked. 

Cas sighed and turned over a page in his report. “Dean’s… _mostly_ fine.” 

Inias rolled his eyes. “Be more specific, Cas.” 

Cas glared pointedly at Inias. “He has a broken arm, some bruised ribs, which I don’t think are affecting him that much anymore, and…” 

“And what?” Inias pressed. 

Cas took a steadying breath and his grip on his pen tightened. “He doesn’t remember me.”

Inias’ silence conveyed his shock and Cas turned back to his paperwork.

“That’s… Cas I’m so sorry,” Inias said quietly. 

“I don’t need your condolences,” Cas snapped bitterly. 

Cas knew his words must have stung but Inias continued on as if Cas hadn’t said anything. “Is there a chance of recovery?” 

Cas bit his tongue to keep himself from snapping again and instead focused on signing his name at the bottom of the arrest report in front of him. “They don’t know.” 

“Shit man, that’s awful.” 

“Yeah,” Cas agreed. 

“So… is Dean… is he staying elsewhere or…” 

“No, he’s at the house,” Cas replied. 

“Oh. That’s… good, isn’t it?” 

Cas shrugged, he wanted this conversation to end.

“Sure, if being reminded of everything your husband can’t remember everyday is good, then it’s _great_.” Cas sighed, immediately regretting his outburst. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap like that.” 

“It’s okay, Cas,” Inias replied as he laid a hand on Cas’ arm. “Look, if you need anything, I’m here for you okay?” 

“Thanks.”

Inias smiled at him and then stood up to return to his own duties. 

Cas spent another hour doing paperwork and then his boss, Naomi, ordered him to head out in his cruiser to be prepared for any 9-1-1 calls. So, Cas headed out into his car and set out to peruse the streets of Lawrence Kansas. He hadn’t been out for long when his radio beeped at him and he heard a report of an accident; turning on his blue lights, he sped off to the scene. 

When Cas arrived, he saw that two cars had collided and a pit opened up in his stomach as he was vividly reminded of Dean’s accident. 

_Cas sighed as he raised his coffee cup to his lips and took a sip. It was only nine a.m. and he still had another six hours of work to get through. He was currently sitting off of the main road at a speed trap, waiting for cars to pass and for their speed to register on his screen. He hadn’t had to pull anyone over yet and he was enjoying the feeling of the sun's rays on his face when his radio came to life._

_“All available officers please respond, we have an accident with a supply truck and a blue Buick at the intersection off of seventh street.”_

_Cas sent his lights flashing and headed off to the intersection, it was only about five minutes from where he was sitting and he knew he was the closest to the scene so he’d arrive first._

_When Cas pulled up at the accident site he froze._

_A very familiar car sat crumpled against the front grate of a large supply truck. Smoke rose steadily from both engines and Cas could see the driver of the truck slumped over an airbag while the driver of the Buick,_ Cas’ _Buick, his_ husband _, was pressed against the window of the driver side door. Blood slicked the glass and Cas’ stomach rolled over as he thought the worst._

_Suddenly able to move again, Cas rushed from his car, terror propelling him forward._

_He surveyed the scene and decided that it would be safe enough to try and open Dean’s door. He reached for the door handle and pulled, the door opened easily and Dean’s head slipped from the glass. The only thing keeping him in the car was his seat-belt and so Cas reached around his unconscious husband and tried to press the button that would eject the seat-belt but it appeared to be stuck. Cas pulled a small knife from his belt and used it to cut through the fabric. The seat-belt came free and Cas stepped back to free Dean of its ties._

_He cupped his hand on the side of Dean’s face, blood slipped through his fingers and he forced himself to look at the wound on the side of his head, it didn’t appear to be too deep. He could tell that Dean’s right arm was broken, there was a clear crack in the bone, although it wasn’t poking through the skin so that had to be a good thing._

_“Dean?” Cas asked softly as he brought his other hand to Dean’s face. “Dean? Can you hear me?”_

_“Castiel!” A sharp voice made Cas jump and he forced himself to move away from Dean. Lieutenant Victor Henrikson was making his way towards Cas, his shoulders squared as he recognized the person in the car. “Do your job and let the paramedics do theirs,” he snapped._

_“But-” Cas began to argue but Henrikson interrupted him._

_“Right now, Castiel!” he barked. Cas spared one last look at his unconscious husband and then went to set up tape and direct traffic._

_When the paramedics pulled Dean from the car, Cas couldn’t help but rush over to him._

_“How is he, will he be okay?” One of the paramedics fixed him with a surprised look, as if asking, ‘why do you want to know? You’re just a police officer’. “He’s my husband,” Cas clarified. “Please, tell me what’s wrong with him!”_

_The paramedic’s expression softened and he said, “He has a broken arm, bruised ribs, and a pretty severe concussion.”_

Okay, that didn’t sound too awful, the doctors would fix him up and he’d be good as new in no time. _Cas tried to think positive._

_“Are you riding with him?” the paramedic asked._

_Cas nodded before he even comprehended what he’d been asked. “Yes.” He stepped into the ambulance beside Dean’s gurney and held his hand while the paramedics continued to work around him. “You’re going to be okay, I’m here Dean, I’m here,” he whispered as he clung to Dean’s hand, willing him to be alright._

Cas forced his memories down and made himself get out of the car to go assess the damage. A woman was trying to work her way between the two cars to open the back door of her tan Subaru.

“Ma’am!” Cas shouted as he rushed towards her, “step away from the car please!” 

The woman froze and turned her terrified eyes to Cas. “It’s my son, he’s still inside!” she cried. 

“Okay, when the paramedics arrive they’ll get him out, but you need to stay back,” Cas said as he guided her away from the car. “Please wait here.” 

Cas went over to the other car, a black Honda, and peered through the drivers window. He could make out a man lying unconscious across an airbag but he couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not. Sirens echoed in the distance and Cas knew that it meant help was on the way. 

In moments, the fire truck arrived along with an ambulance and Cas stepped back to let them do their jobs. He watched as the woman’s son was pulled from the car, bloody and limp, and placed on a stretcher where he was then taken to the ambulance. The driver of the Honda was pronounced dead on the scene and Cas felt bile begin to rise in his throat. 

“Hey,” Inias’ voice made Cas turn to see his best friend walking towards him. “Are you okay?” Cas tried to respond but his throat seemed to be closing in on itself and he struggled to breathe. “Look, I’ve talked with Naomi and she thinks you should head home.”

“No, I’m fine,” Cas gasped out. 

“No, you’re not. You need more time off Cas, you’re not ready to be back. Maybe you thought you were but you’re clearly still in shock from Dean’s accident and being thrown back into the fray like this isn’t helping. Go home, collect yourself, and come back when you’re ready. Take as much time as you need.” 

Cas knew he couldn’t argue, Inias was right, he wasn’t ready to be back at work, everything was still so fresh and the pain of it all was overwhelming. He nodded stiffly, breathing heavily as he tried to compose himself.

“Okay, okay I’ll go.” 

Inias nodded, satisfied. “Good.”

Cas was shaking by the time he got back to the house. He rushed inside, throwing his keys on the kitchen counter as he passed it, and then he barreled up the stairs and into his room. The moment he fell onto his bed he shoved his face into his pillows and cried, letting all of his feelings catch up to him as his memories pooled in his mind, reminding him of everything he’d lost.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short :(

Dean shut the Impala door and headed into the main section of the auto shop. The second he set foot into the building he was instantly greeted by Jo. “It’s good to see you back, Dean,” she said with a smile. 

“Thanks,” Dean replied. He wished he could say that it was good to _be_ back but to him he’d been gone for five years, he didn’t even know what car he’d been working on last, or what was wrong with it. 

“How are you?” Jo asked as she came to stand by his side. 

“I’m okay, I guess,” Dean replied. “Confused more than anything.” 

Jo nodded and clapped a hand on his back. “That’s understandable.” 

“I just… I’m trying to pretend like all of this is normal, but it’s not. It’s so far from normal for me that it makes my head hurt,” Dean said with a sigh. 

“Are you sure that’s not just your concussion?” Jo joked. 

Dean snorted in laughter. “No, I don’t think it’s because of my concussion.” 

“Well, I think all you can do is keep moving forward, I’m sure you’ll figure out everything eventually. But right now, what do you say you work on some cars? We’ve been behind ever since you left.” 

Dean nodded. “Okay, yeah, I can do that.” 

“Great, there’s a black Sedan in the garage with a busted bumper, see what you can do about that.” 

Dean saluted her with a smirk. “Yes ma’am.” 

****

When Dean pulled into the driveway at around 7 p.m. he was surprised to see Cas’ black ford sitting in front of the house, he’d thought Cas wouldn’t be home for another couple of hours. Curious, and slightly suspicious, Dean entered the house. 

“Cas?” he called out. 

There was no answer. 

Dean checked every room downstairs but there was no sign of his blue-eyed husband, so he set his feet in the direction of the stairs.

“Cas?” he called again. 

Still no answer. 

Dean headed down the hallway and paused in front of the master bedroom door. He tapped gently at it and it swung open freely. Dean’s eyes locked onto the bed where Cas was laying sprawled out on top of the covers. There was an empty wine bottle in his hands and his eyes were glassy and almost vacant. 

“Cas,” Dean said cautiously as he edged closer to the bed. 

Cas turned his alcohol induced expression towards Dean as he let out a short gleeful laugh. “Dean,” he smiled. 

“Hey buddy,” Dean said as he sat down on the edge of the bed. 

Cas crawled towards him, his smile never leaving his face as he reached out and pulled Dean closer by the lapels of his jacket.

“I missed you,” Cas slurred. 

Dean wrinkled his nose at the smell of Cas’ breath. “Yeah, okay, I missed you too. How about we get you into a shower, huh?” he asked as he took the wine bottle from Cas’ hands. 

Cas shook his head, blue eyes wide. “No, I’m… I’m fine. I’m fine.” 

“You’re not fine, Cas, you reek,” Dean replied. 

“I’m fine!” Cas declared, as a pout formed on his lips. 

“Cas, what’s wrong?" he asked as he pulled at Cas’ hands that seemed to have become glued to his jacket. When he managed to free himself of Cas’ iron-like grasp, he took ahold of Cas’ hands and peered into his blue irises. “ Did something happen at work?”

Tears pooled suddenly in Cas’ eyes and he nodded solemnly. “A lot happened at work.”

“Let’s get you sobered up and then you can tell me all about it, okay?” 

Cas sat back on his heels, the bed sagging under his shift in weight. “There was an accident.” 

Something twisted in Dean’s gut as he realized what had gotten Cas so worked up. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. 

“It was a-awful,” Cas stammered. “One… one of them didn’t… m-make it.” 

“Jesus,” Dean breathed out. 

“It’s f-fine,” Cas said through the wobble of his bottom lip. 

“No, it’s not,” Dean replied. He reached up to wipe away one of Cas’ tears but froze halfway there. Cas stared at him, blue eyes like those of a puppy, and Dean couldn’t help but let his hand continue until it was resting on his cheek. “That must have been really hard to see.” 

Cas nodded into Dean’s hand, shutting his eyes as more tears slipped out from under his eyelids. “Reminded m-me of y-your accident,” he hiccuped. “I-I was first on the s-scene t-today, just l-like I was with y-you.” 

Surprise smacked Dean in the face at Cas’ words. “You were the first on the scene of my accident?” 

Cas nodded bleakly. “It was h-horrible. There was so much b-blood.” Cas’ chest was heaving rapidly as more tears rolled down his cheeks.

Dean didn’t know if Cas was talking about his accident or the one today, but either way he pulled Cas into a hug and let him cry. “I’m here, Cas, it’s okay, I’m here.” 

Cas cried harder at his words. “But you’re not,” he sobbed. “You are, b-but you’re n-not.” 

Dean shut his eyes and hugged Cas tighter. “I know, I know, I’m sorry.” 

Within minutes, Cas had cried himself into a drunken sleep in Dean’s arms and all Dean could do was lay him gently down on the bed and cover him with a blanket. He shut off the light in the room and then headed downstairs. He sat down in the living room and clicked on the TV, hoping that it would help distract him from his thoughts. 

No matter how hard he tried to take his mind off of his unconscious husband, he felt like there was a gaping hole somewhere in the center of his heart. It was as if the memories he so longed to remember were trapped just beneath the surface, scrambling to get a breath of air before the waves crashed over them again, dragging them further underwater. 

He hated what he was putting Cas through, he hated that he couldn’t fix it.

Dean could fix just about anything, give him a car or a leaky faucet and he’d have it all sorted out in no time. But the one thing Dean couldn’t fix, the one thing that he wished he could sit in front of with his toolbox and work on until his arms ached, was a broken heart.

There was no cure for what Cas was feeling, no amount of alcohol would help glue together the pieces of Cas’ shattered life, and Dean hated being the cause of that. 

Dean heaved a sigh and let night drag on as images flashed in front of his eyes on the screen. An idea was brewing in his mind, something that wasn’t going to come anywhere close to fixing anything, but might help to brighten Cas’ mood as well as his own.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up. I've had a busy school week and I just didn't feel like writing after long days of doing homework. But I managed to knock this out today, so enjoy :)

When Cas headed downstairs the next morning he was sporting a pounding headache and everything seemed to spin in front of his eyes. He entered the kitchen and expected to find Dean but instead found a plate of blueberry muffins waiting for him along with a folded piece of paper and a bottle of aspirin. Cas reached out for the paper and read the words that were scrawled across it in Dean’s handwriting. 

**Morning sunshine, I hope that hangover isn’t too horrible. I’ll see you after work. Enjoy the muffins :) - Dean**

Cas’ mouth twitched into a smile as he set the note down. Memories or no memories, Dean Winchester was still the most thoughtful person Cas knew. Even though most of what happened last night was fuzzy - he didn’t even remember finishing the wine bottle- he _did_ remember crying in Dean’s arms and he remembered Dean telling him that he was sorry and that he was _here_. Cas began to tear up just thinking about it. He couldn’t wrap his head around just how well Dean was taking all of this. If Cas were in his position he was sure he wouldn’t be holding up even remotely as well as Dean was. 

With a sniff, Cas sat down at the counter and picked up a blueberry muffin. He hummed in enjoyment as Dean’s baking skills raced across his taste buds. He could only stomach two muffins and so he downed some aspirin and then headed into the living room to watch TV. 

****

“Hi honey, I’m home!” Dean shouted jokingly as he came through the garage door with a wide grin on his face. 

Cas looked up from the kitchen counter where he’d spread out more paperwork he hadn’t finished working on from before Dean’s accident. He usually liked to work in his office, but whenever Dean was busy in the garage Cas would always come down and work in the kitchen so he could make sure he was close by if Dean needed him, or when Dean was due home from work he’d move downstairs so he could be there to greet him. 

“Hello, Dean,” Cas replied as he set his pen down to give his husband his full attention. 

“We’re going out tonight,” Dean declared as he flopped down into the chair beside Cas. 

“Out?” Cas echoed. 

“Yes, out,” Dean said. “I think it would do us both some good.” 

“Dean, I can’t go out, I have work to do,” Cas protested. 

“It can wait,” Dean replied. 

“No, it can’t,” Cas retorted. 

Dean reached across the table and snatched up Cas’ pen only to point it at him. “Now you listen here, Castiel Winchester, I’ve already made reservations for us so we are going out, even if I have to drag you by the collar of your trench coat.” 

Cas sighed and rolled his eyes. Dean was persistent and stubborn and if there was one thing Cas couldn’t make Dean do, it was change his mind.

“Fine. Where are we going?” 

Triumphant, Dean’s expression shifted into a smirk and Cas already knew what was coming before Dean even said it. “That’s a surprise.” 

“Of course it is,” Cas muttered. 

“Well, I’m disgusting,” Dean said as he wiped at a smudge of grease on his forehead. “So, I’m going to shower and get changed. We leave in twenty.” 

Cas shook his head as he turned back to his paperwork and listened to the sound of Dean’s footsteps on the stairs. He worked for another ten minutes before he decided to go get changed into something other than sweatpants and an old t-shirt. 

He made his way into his bedroom and pulled on a pair of jeans and a blue polo shirt. He didn’t know where Dean was planning to take him so he decided to go in between casual and fancy. One look in the mirror told him that he needed to comb his hair, it was sticking up in several places from where he’d run his hands through it in frustration. A splash of water and the teeth of a comb later, Cas declared himself semi-decent and headed downstairs to wait for Dean. 

Dean was another five minutes, but when he came into the kitchen he was dressed in dark blue jeans, a black v-neck t-shirt - one of Cas’ personal favorite articles of clothing that Dean owned - and his red leather jacket.

“Ready to go?” Dean asked as he twirled the Impala’s keys on his finger. 

Cas only managed a nod, he was too focused on the way Dean’s hair was sticking up from where he’d neglected to comb it; it was taking all Cas’ willpower not to let his fingers slip through the damp hair to smooth it down. 

Dean led the way to the garage, where he paused briefly to put on his boots, and then they were climbing into Baby and Dean was setting them off to an unknown location.

“How was your day?” Dean asked as he reached forward to change the radio station. 

Cas shrugged. “Fine.” 

Dean sighed. “Fine? That’s all I get?” 

“What do you want me to say?” Cas asked as he traced his finger against the windowsill. 

“I don’t know, something with a little more detail than ‘fine’,” Dean replied. 

Cas let out a heavy breath. “My day was uneventful, I wrote up some paperwork, I watched some TV, I made myself a boring ham sandwich, and I did more paperwork. My day wasn’t fun, it wasn’t exciting, it was _fine_.” 

“Jeez Cas, who put a bee in your bonnet?” 

Cas stared blankly at Dean. “Why would someone put a bee in another person’s bonnet? That’s cruel, and unsettling for the bee.” 

Dean rolled his eyes. “It’s an expression, Cas.” 

“Oh.” Cas turned his eyes back towards the outside world. He was never one to understand expressions like that, they just confused him. 

“Well, _my_ day was annoying. There was this customer who would not leave the auto shop while I worked on his engine. He kept trying to tell me how to fix his car, he told me that the issue was his battery and that he needed a new one. His battery was perfectly functional, he just needed an oil change. I swear, that man wouldn’t know a carburetor from an oil filter.” 

“That does sound rather frustrating,” Cas replied. 

“It was,” Dean agreed. “The one thing I hate, Cas, the _one thing_ , is when people try to tell me how to do my damn job.” Cas nodded along as Dean continued to talk, letting the sound of Dean’s deep voice wash over him as the car sped down the street. 

When they finally pulled into a parking lot, Cas looked up to see the building they were sitting in front of and he had to work to contain his laughter.

“Bowling? You made a _reservation_ for _bowling_?” 

Dean grinned at him, green eyes alight with glee. “Yup. We are going to have a good old fashioned bowling date. We bowl first and then we eat.” Dean pushed open his door, it squeaked in protest, and then turned back to look at Cas over his shoulder. “I just figured you’d benefit from throwing a ball at some pins.” Dean’s eyes turned serious for a moment, the joking gleam slipping away. “You’re angry, Cas, and hey, I get it, I’m angry too. Hell, I’m _pissed_. I hate that I can’t fucking remember anything. But you really shouldn’t keep all that anger in, you need to give it an outlet, and so I don’t know, I just thought maybe this would help.” Cas didn’t have time to say anything before Dean was out of the car.

He sighed. Maybe Dean was right, maybe he could use this, maybe it _would_ help. 

Cas joined Dean outside and together they walked into the bowling alley. Dean headed straight for the front desk, confidence oozing off of him.

“Hi,” Dean greeted the young man behind the counter. “I’ve got a reservation for a party of two, under Winchester.” 

The boy shifted a piece of gum he was chewing to his other cheek and sighed as he searched through the computer in front of him. “Yeah, I’ve got you here, you’re at alley number four. Can I get your shoe sizes?” 

“Eleven,” Dean said as he kicked off his boots. 

“Ten,” Cas added as he took off his shoes. 

The boy turned away from them to the stack of shoes behind him and tugged two pairs of bowling shoes from the rack. “Are you paying cash or credit?” he asked. 

“Credit,” Dean replied as he pulled out his wallet and deposited a credit card on the table. 

After the transaction was complete, Dean and Cas handed over their shoes, slipped on the bowling shoes, and headed over to their strip of the bowling alley.

“Dean, I must warn you, I’m not very good at bowling.” 

Dean waved a hand at Cas and said, “Don’t worry, it’s not hard. You just take the ball, and toss it towards the pins, easy as pie.” 

Dean went first and sent a multi-colored bowling ball speeding down the runway where it smacked into the bowling pins and sent all but two of them tumbling to the ground. Another ball brought the last two down and Dean let out a whoop of joy as the screen above their heads flashed with the word _split_ in blue letters. 

Cas stepped up and let his fingers fall into the three slots in the ball. He carried the ball up to the white line in front of the runway, took a deep breath, focused on the stack of pins staring him down in pyramid formation, and then brought his arm back and let the ball go. The ball twisted against the polished wooden floor and went spiraling towards the pins only to veer off to the side at the last second, causing the screen to flash with words that read: _gutter ball_

Cas looked over at Dean who was staring at him with amusement. “You said this was easy.” 

Dean shrugged. “You were doing pretty well there at first.” 

Cas went back over to the waiting row of balls and chose a red one. “I’ve only been bowling once before, with my brother Gabriel. I was horrible then, and I’m horrible now.” 

“Well, last time you didn’t have me,” Dean said as he leaped to his feet and moved over to stand beside Cas. 

“What do you think you’re going to be able to do to help?” Cas asked as he pushed past him to get back to the runway. 

Dean followed him and when Cas paused at the white line, Dean’s hand found the back of Cas’ arm. “I’ll guide you.” 

Chills ran up Cas’ spine and he felt his heart skip a beat in his chest. Having Dean so close again, his breath just barely brushing against the back of his neck made Cas long for Dean’s lips to press a kiss into the crook of his neck, or his hands to wrap around his waist. Cas swallowed down his lust and let Dean gently bring his hand back three times before telling him to let go. 

The ball tumbled down the alley and hit the front center pin, causing a cascade of wooden pings to sound across the room as the rest of the pins fell to the ground with a clatter and the screen above them flashed with the word s _trike._

“See?” Dean said as he released Cas’ arm, Cas already missed the pressure. “It’s easy.” Dean sauntered off to get his own ball and Cas stepped back to watch him. Dean hit his own strike and turned around with his arms held wide and a smirk on his lips. “That’s what I’m talking about!” he shouted as he jumped down into the section of seats where Cas was sitting. Dean knocked his fist against Cas’ shoulder. “Lighten up, will ya? This is supposed to be putting us both into a good mood. Would it kill you to crack a smile?” Cas sighed and forced a smile to his lips. Dean pouted at him. “A _real_ smile, Cas, come on.” 

Cas crossed his arms and slumped further into his chair. “I’m sorry,” he said through a sigh. “I’m just… I appreciate this Dean, I do, but I don’t know…” 

Dean sat down next to Cas and his leg bumped against Cas’. “Do you… want to leave?” he asked slowly. 

_Yes. He did want to leave, he wanted to get out of the loud bowling alley filled with sounds of pins crashing to the ground that seemed to reverberate through his skull. He wanted to go back home and never come out of his room. He wanted his husband back._

“No, we don’t have to,” he said instead.

Dean looked at him through narrowed eyes. “Are you sure?” 

Cas nodded. “I’m sure. Let’s finish the game.” Before Dean could argue, Cas stood up and headed towards the rack of bowling balls. Dean came over to help him again but Cas waved him off. “I’ve got it,” he said, a little too bluntly. 

Something that Cas was pretty sure was hurt, passed across Dean’s eyes, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. Cas felt regret tug at him as he focused on the pins in front of him. He didn’t get a strike or a split, there were still four pins left when Cas stepped down from the alley. 

Cas tried to let himself have fun, he indulged Dean’s jokes and his playful humor, but the whole time they played his heart wasn’t in it. A twisted feeling was pulling at his gut and a few times he almost had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom because he was sure he was about to throw up. 

Dean ended up winning the game, which Cas was not the least bit surprised about, and when they ordered dinner Cas only picked at his burger and fries.

“Are you going to eat that?” Dean asked as he licked the salt from his fries off his fingers. 

Cas shoved it towards him. “Be my guest.” 

Dean picked up the half-eaten burger and took a large bite. “Mmm,” he hummed as his eyes slipped shut.

Cas sipped slowly at his water as he worried the straw between his teeth and watched Dean finish his meal. His mind was racing with unwanted thoughts, but they were thoughts that he couldn’t ignore and he knew he had to act on them. 

Cas was silent the whole way back home and Dean gave up trying to talk to him. When they pulled into the driveway and Dean brought the Impala to a stop in the garage, Cas didn’t leave the car. 

“Cas?” Dean asked in concern as his hand hovered over the door handle. “Are you okay?” 

Cas was staring straight ahead, fixating his gaze on the far wall of the garage where some tools were hanging. He felt the tears begin to form in his eyes and he had to take a steadying breath before replying to Dean.

“No,” he answered honestly. “I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay since your accident.”

“Okay…” Dean said cautiously, dragging the word out. 

“I’m… Dean thank you for tonight. Thank you for trying to help, but… nothing you do is going to change the fact that you can’t remember our life together, and I… I don’t think I can take that.” A drop of salty water fell onto Cas’ lap and he swiped at the tears with a sniff. “I thought I could, I really thought that I could do this; live with you, try to pretend everything was back to normal. But I can’t. I can’t Dean, I’m sorry, but I can’t.” Cas was shaking now as his body betrayed him and let out all of the emotions that had been building up throughout the night. 

“What are you saying?” Dean asked carefully. Cas could hear the caution in his tone, the walls that he’d let down tonight were building up again, and Cas felt guilt prick at him as he thought about how hard Dean was trying to help, how much of himself he was putting out there even though he was also terrified. 

Cas took a deep breath as more tears streaked from his eyes. It took all of his strength to keep the wobble from his voice as he finally faced Dean and let Dean’s green eyes fill his gaze.

“I’m saying… that I think you should go.”


	11. Chapter 11

“Go?” Dean repeated. 

“Yes,” Cas confirmed. 

Dean nodded slowly. “Okay.” 

Cas stared at him in surprise. “That’s all you have to say?” 

Dean sighed. “Well, what do you _want_ me to say? You’re calling the shots here, Cas. I told you if you wanted me to leave all you had to do was ask, you’re asking, so just give me ten minutes and I’m gone.” 

Cas held out his hand to stop Dean from exiting the car. “You can leave tomorrow, it’s too late to go anywhere tonight.” 

Dean met Cas’ eyes for a moment, he saw the pain and guilt reflected clearly in his blue orbs.

“Are you sure?” 

Cas nodded stiffly. “I’m sure. Stay the night.” 

Dean pushed open the door and then paused before stepping out.

“I’m sorry if tonight was too much,” he apologized. 

“It was and it wasn’t,” Cas replied as he opened his own door. 

Cas didn’t say anything else, he just left the car and went inside, and Dean followed him. Cas went up the stairs first and disappeared into his room which left Dean to go to his. He hadn’t been staying with Cas long enough to have settled fully into the guest room so it was easy for him to throw his clean clothes into a bag and gather the rest of his minimal possessions. He wanted to be ready to leave as soon as he woke up, so he wouldn’t be a bother to Cas anymore. 

He fell onto his bed with a sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. He’d tried. He’d tried so hard to be there for Cas, to figure out how to accept who he’d become in the missing five years of his memory. He’d known from the start that it was going to be challenging and that Cas was hesitant towards him, and maybe, deep down, he’d also had a feeling that living together like this wasn’t going to work out. 

Dean just wanted to know where he went wrong. Had he given in too easily? Was he supposed to have had breakdowns about his accident? Was he supposed to kick and scream about the unfairness of it all? Had Cas wanted him to ask for a divorce? _Should_ he ask for a divorce now? He didn’t know what to do. 

Dean sighed and thumbed open the messaging app on his phone, the one thing he _did_ know was that he needed a place to stay. He didn’t want to bother Sam again, so he texted the one person he knew would agree to set him up for a little while until he could get his own place. He clicked on Charlie’s contact and shot off a quick text. 

**You sent:**

**Hey, I need a place to crash for a week or so, any chance you’re willing to help a guy out tomorrow?**

Charlie responded almost immediately. 

**From Charlie:**

**Oh no, what happened?**

Dean sighed and typed back. 

**You sent:**

**Cas asked me to go, so I’m going. Simple as that.**

**From Charlie:**

**What!? No! Why?**

**You sent:**

**Doesn’t matter. Now, can you help or not?**

**From Charlie:**

**Yes, but on one condition.**

**You sent:**

**…**

**From Charlie:**

**You tell me everything your stupid ass did that made Cas throw you to the curb.**

Dean rolled his eyes but sent a reply anyway. 

**You sent:**

**Fine.**

**From Charlie:**

**And Dean?**

**You sent:**

**Yeah?**

**From Charlie:**

**I’m calling Gabriel, Cas really shouldn’t stay in the house alone.**

_Shit_. Dean had forgotten that Cas wasn’t exactly mentally stable. 

**You sent:**

**Okay, good idea.**

**From Charlie:**

**See you tomorrow.**

Dean set down his phone and rolled over in bed, letting his eyes shut and sleep claim him.

****

Dean shut the trunk of the Impala and then turned back to look at Cas, who was standing in the garage door nursing a cup of coffee. Cas didn’t say anything, he just focused on running his finger along the rim of his mug. 

Dean was about to say some kind of goodbye when the sound of tires crunching on asphalt made him look over at a red Mustang that was pulling into the driveway. The drivers door popped open and a short shaggy haired man stepped out. 

“You can both stop worrying now, I’m here,” he said with a smirk as he stopped in front of the Impala. 

“Hello Gabriel,” Cas greeted his brother. 

“Hey baby bro,” Gabriel grinned. He turned to Dean. “And Dean-O, good to see you again.” 

“I wish I could say the same to you,” Dean replied. 

Gabriel shook his head with a teasing frown. “I can’t believe you’ve forgotten _me_. Cassie I understand, but _me_?” 

“Don’t patronize him, Gabriel,” Cas said. “Just let him go and come inside.” 

“Always the debbie-downer, aren’t you?” Gabriel huffed. 

Dean nodded at Cas. “Bye then.” 

“Goodbye, Dean,” Cas replied stiffly as he turned to go into the house. 

“Nice to have, uh, re-met you Gabriel,” Dean said.

Gabriel saluted at him and then followed Cas inside and Dean climbed into the Impala and set his course for Charlie’s apartment. 

Charlie was quick to pull him into a hug when he arrived.

“How are you doing?” she asked, a concerned look on her face. 

Dean shrugged. “I’m fine.” 

Charlie poked a finger into his chest. “Don’t lie to me.” 

Dean sighed as he collapsed on Charlie’s couch.

“I don’t know what to feel, okay? I don’t know if I’m supposed to be sad, mad, grateful, or what. I just don’t _know_.” 

Charlie plopped down next to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. “We’re going to fix this.” 

“I don’t know if Cas _wants_ to fix it,” Dean replied. 

“Cas doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’ll come to his senses eventually.” 

“I gave it my best shot, Charlie, but if all he’s going to do is mope around missing the person that I can’t remember how to be, then I think it’s best if I move on.” 

Charlie smacked Dean’s shoulder so hard that Dean recoiled in pain.

“Don’t you _dare_ leave him behind!” she yelled. 

“What the hell, Charlie?” Dean protested as he held his wounded shoulder. 

Charlie crossed her arms and fixed Dean with a sharp glare. “You can’t just go running off the second things get bad, you have to give Cas time to figure out what he wants.” 

“What about what _I_ want?” Dean retorted. Charlie’s mouth clicked shut and Dean continued, satisfied to have shut her up for a second. “Look, I’ve only spent a few days with Cas, he’s a great guy, and I hate hurting him, I really do, but if it’s not working out, then I can’t wait around for him to make up his mind. I decided to _try_ to be there for him, Charlie, but it was too much for him and if me being in the same house is causing him even greater pain than my absence, then I’m not going to stay.” 

Charlie nodded slowly, but her expression showed how much Dean’s words saddened her.

“Okay, that’s fair. I’m sorry. I haven’t really been thinking about what you wanted in all of this.” She shifted on the couch and fiddled with the hem of her shirt. “It’s just that you two were made for each other, and seeing you fall apart because of the accident… it breaks my heart.” Charlie sniffed and then turned to look at Dean, a forced smile on her lips. “Well, let’s get you settled in shall we?” 

Dean nodded, glad their conversation was over. “Thanks again for letting me stay here.” 

Charlie shrugged and picked up Dean’s bag. “What are friends for?” 

Dean trailed after her as she brought him to the small guest room of her two bedroom apartment and began to help him unpack. He wished once again that his memories would return. There was a nagging feeling of emptiness that was clutching at his stomach that Dean could only assume was because he wasn’t with Castiel, as if his body knew that he missed him while his mind refused to remember why.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for keeping you guys waiting! I've been super busy with school and life. But I'm here now! So, please enjoy this chapter :)

As soon as Cas entered the house a sharp pain sparked through his head and he spun around to face Gabriel, who had undoubtedly just hit him.

“What was that for?” Cas protested. 

“What are you doing!?” Gabriel whined at him. “You told him to _leave!?_ ”

Cas sighed and turned away from his brother, setting his empty coffee cup on the counter by the sink.

“Having him here… it was too hard.” 

“I thought everything was going well!” Gabriel pouted in confusion. 

Cas led Gabriel into the living room where they sat down on the couch.

“Dean was trying too hard.” 

“Too hard?” Gabriel echoed. “How so?” 

Cas shook his head, his eyes focused on his hands in his lap. “It was so close to being normal, Gabe. Everything he did, it was so similar to what he used to do when he still… when he still had his memories. He was trying too hard to make it seem like he’d never left; but I know he was only here out of obligation, he never wanted to come back to the house, so I did what was best for both of us.” 

Gabriel’s arm came around Cas’ shoulder and Cas let himself be pulled into a hug. “Well, until you realize you’ve made a _very_ horrible mistake and you come to your senses, you’re stuck with me.” 

Cas rolled his eyes. “I don’t need a babysitter.” 

“Well I don’t want you to do anything stupid,” Gabriel countered. 

Cas sighed. “I’m not going to do anything stupid.” 

“Uhuh, sure,” Gabriel scoffed. “Famous last words.”

“I’m not going down that road again, Gabe. I got help for a reason,” Cas replied. 

“Still, better safe than sorry. Besides, it gives me an excuse to hang out with my favorite brother.” 

“I’m your _only_ brother, Gabriel,” Cas sighed. 

“Maybe so, but I could have chosen not to like you, therefore making you my _least_ favorite brother. Take the win, Cassie.” 

Cas snorted. “You’re impossible.”

Gabriel clapped his hands together and smiled. “So, what’s on the agenda for today? Day drinking? A long walk in the park? Board games? What have you got for entertainment around here?” 

“I was just planning to watch TV,” Cas replied. 

Gabriel gaped at Cas. “No, we are not sitting around all day turning our brains to mush by watching sitcoms. I say we head outside, it’s a sunny spring day, we should make the most of it.” 

“I’d rather just watch something,” Cas grumbled. 

Gabriel stood up and tugged at Cas’ arm to get him onto his feet as well. “I am not taking no for an answer. I bet all your neighbors think you’re dead or something! When’s the last time you went over to see Anna?” 

Cas shrugged. “I don’t know, a month, maybe? Dean and I were very busy with our jobs before his accident.” 

“Well that settles it, we’re going to pay Anna a visit,” Gabriel declared as he pushed Cas towards the front door. 

“She might not be home,” Cas pointed out in a vain attempt to try and get his brother to let them stay at home. 

“Well then we’ll enjoy the walk, fresh air will do you good,” Gabriel replied. 

Cas knew he couldn’t fight Gabriel, if his brother was set on seeing Anna, then they were going to see Anna.

“Fine,” he muttered as he let Gabriel open the door and lead them outside. 

Anna lived just down the block, about a five minute walk from Cas’ house. She and her husband Bartholomew had moved in around the same time as Cas and Dean and they’d quickly become friends. Although, Bart occasionally rubbed Cas the wrong way and he couldn’t help but wonder if Anna was in a stable relationship. 

“Cassie I’m all for taking our time, but would you stop _literally_ dragging your feet,” Gabriel groused from a good ten feet in front of Castiel. 

Cas picked up his pace with a roll of his eyes until he was walking beside his brother. Gabriel was walking with a spring in his step and his brown hair flopped around his ears as he made his way down the road. Cas wished he had his brother's enthusiasm, but he lacked everything that Gabriel had, specifically charisma and people skills. 

When they arrived at Anna’s, Gabriel didn’t waste any time leaping onto the front steps and rapping his knuckles against the door. A moment later, the door swung open and the redheaded form of Anna appeared. 

“Castiel! Gabriel!” she exclaimed. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” 

“Cassie and I just thought we’d stop in for a visit, my brother tells me it’s been too long since he last saw you,” Gabriel replied. 

Anna beamed at them. “Well, come in, come in! I can make some coffee and I think I’ve got some snacks lying around here somewhere, that is if Esper hasn’t eaten all of them.”

“Ah yes, how is your little rugrat?” Gabriel asked as he pushed his way into Anna’s house. 

“He’s doing well,” Anna replied. 

“How is first grade treating him?” Cas asked in an attempt to enter the conversation before Gabriel could find a way to drag him in anyway. 

“Okay, I think,” Anna answered as she led them into her kitchen. “He doesn’t talk much about it, I worry that he’s not making friends.” 

“I’m sure that’s not the case,” Gabriel reassured her as he slid into one of the kitchen chairs. 

Cas joined his brother at the table and Anna busied herself with making coffee. “So, how have you two been?’ 

“Oh same old, same old,” Gabriel replied. 

“Are you still dating, what’s her name, Kari?” 

“ _Kali_ ,” Gabriel corrected her. 

“Right, sorry,” Anna chuckled as she turned back to face them. “I’m so horrible with names. How is Kali?” 

“She’s great, we’re great,” Gabriel replied with a smile. 

“I’m glad to hear it.” Anna turned to Cas next and Cas found himself wishing he could shrink in his seat.

“What about you and Dean? Last I heard from you two you were about to start looking for a child to adopt. How is that going?” 

A lump formed in Cas’ throat and he forced himself not to think about how he might never get the chance to be a father. There was no one in this world that Cas wanted to explore fatherhood with more than Dean. It was a road that they were going to go down together, one that would be filled with good days and bad days but would evidently be one of the best experiences of their lives. To think that Dean’s memories might never return, that his passion for wanting to raise a child together would go unexplored, made Cas’ stomach churn uncomfortably. 

Before Cas could say anything, Gabriel had leaped to his rescue. “Uh, Anna, there’s something you should know.” 

Anna cocked her head to the side in confusion. “Is something wrong?” She gasped. “Wait, are you and Dean fighting?” 

Cas wanted to laugh.

_Fighting. Fighting? God he wished they were only fighting. He wished this could all be chalked up to a few misspoken words said during a bout of not having enough caffeine._

“No, we’re not fighting,” he forced himself to say. 

“Then what?” Anna asked, concern flushed her cheeks. 

“Dean was in an accident,” Cas said slowly, not meeting Anna’s eyes. 

Anna’s face went pale and her mouth dropped open in shock. “Oh my! He’s… he’s okay, isn’t he?” 

“He’s almost too okay, if you ask me,” Gabriel said, trying to save Cas from some of his misery by adding an element of humor. 

Gabriel’s words did not stave off the feeling of dread that still sucked at him as he thought about learning that Dean couldn’t remember him.

“He…” Cas trailed off, his throat felt like it was closing up and tears were burning at his eyes. 

Once again, Gabriel came to the rescue.

“Dean escaped without too much physical injury, but mentally, he seems to be lacking the last five years of his memories, which means that he has no idea who Cas is, or me for that matter, which I think is outrageous, I pride myself on being unforgettable.” 

Cas fiddled with his hands in his lap, not wanting to see the look on Anna’s face. Footsteps sounded across the room and soon arms were being wrapped around him and Anna’s face was buried in the crook of his neck. “I’m so sorry, Castiel.” 

“Thank you,” he muttered quietly. 

Anna released him and then went back over to the counter where the coffee was ready to be poured. “How would you like your coffee?” she asked as she pulled the sugar bowl towards the waiting mugs. 

“Four sugars please and a dash of cream,” Gabriel replied. 

Anna rolled her eyes with a smile. “You’ve still got that sweet tooth I see.” 

“Never lost it,” Gabriel answered with a grin. 

“And you, Castiel?” Anna asked. 

“Black, two sugars,” Cas replied. 

Anna placed the mugs in front of the brothers and then opened up a cabinet in search of something to eat. “We’ve got some cookies,” she said. 

“Cookies sound wonderful,” Gabriel replied. 

Anna pulled down a box of _Chips Ahoy_ and set it down on the table before joining them with her own mug of coffee. “So, Gabriel, catch me up to speed on your life.” 

Cas was grateful that Anna was avoiding talking about Dean and he sipped slowly at his coffee while Gabriel rambled on about Kali and how he thought she might be ‘the one’. Cas was perfectly content with just listening to Anna and Gabriel banter back and forth, he didn’t need to be included in the conversation and that was something that both his brother and Anna seemed to have picked up on. 

They had been at Anna’s for about four hours and it was nearing three o’clock when the front door opened and Esper came in.

“Hi sweetie, how was your day?” Anna asked as she went to greet her son. 

Esper shrugged as his backpack slipped from his shoulders. “Fine.” 

Anna gestured towards Cas and Gabriel. “You remember Castiel and his brother Gabriel, don’t you?” 

Esper nodded. “Hi.” 

“Hi,” Gabriel replied with a smile. 

Cas nodded at him. “Hello.” 

Esper went off into the kitchen to find a snack and Cas eased himself to his feet.

“We should really be going.” 

“Oh, you don’t have to!” Anna protested. 

Castiel waved her off. “We’ve used up too much of your hospitality for one day. Thank you for having us.” 

“Come back any time!” Anna said as she pulled Cas into a hug. 

“We will,” Gabriel replied. 

Anna looked like she wanted to say more, but Cas didn’t give her the opportunity before he was out the door. He didn’t talk the whole way back to his house, his thoughts about Dean and their plans for adopting a child were still pounding in his head. The accident hadn’t just ruined his marriage and corrupted the love of his life, but it had turned his dream of being a father into dust, and no matter how hard he wanted to cling to it, he knew he had to start letting that dream go.

“Are you okay?” Gabriel asked as he pulled open the door of Cas’ house. 

“No,” Cas replied bluntly, his voice was on the cusp of tears again. 

He didn’t wait for Gabriel’s sympathy, he just went up the stairs and entered his bedroom where he pressed his face into his pillows, pillows that still smelled faintly of Dean’s shampoo, and let himself cry.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Pain ahead.

Dean slid out from under the Subaru he’d been working on and wiped at the sweat that was beading across his forehead. “Hey, Jo!” he called as he pulled a rag from his pocket and wiped at his grease-smeared hands. 

“Yeah!?” came Jo’s reply from the adjacent room. 

“Where’d you stash the socket wrench?” he asked. 

Jo’s blond head poked into the garage and she glared at him. “Did you check the toolbox?” she asked in annoyance. 

“Of course I checked the toolbox,” Dean replied indignantly. 

Jo sighed and came out into the garage. She dug around in Dean’s toolbox, as if she didn’t believe Dean had looked through it himself, and when she came up empty handed she placed her hands on her hips and let out a huff of air. “Huh.” 

Dean cocked an eyebrow at her in mock-offense. “What, did you think I’d lie to you?” 

“I’d never,” Jo replied with a chuckle. “I’ll go see if we have one in storage.” 

“Thanks,” Dean said as he moved over to the Subaru’s open hood. Finishing this car was his last job of the day and then he was meeting up with Sam for dinner. 

Jo returned moments later with a socket wrench held high above her head. “Found one!” 

Dean took it from her with a smile. “You’re a lifesaver.” 

“Got a hot date tonight, or something?” Jo asked. “Why the rush?’ 

Dean chuckled as he began to work on the engine. “I don’t know if I’d call Sam hot.” 

Jo laughed, a twinkle in her eyes. “Sam, huh? Tell him I say hi.” 

“I will,” Dean replied. 

Jo turned to leave but then stopped and looked back at him in amusement. “Do you need some help?” 

“Why would I need help?” Dean asked as he tried to slip the socket wrench onto a bolt for the third time with his left hand. He hated his stupid cast. 

“Because I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” Jo replied. 

“I’m fine,” Dean grunted as he finally secured the socket wrench and began to twist it. 

Jo shrugged. “If you’re sure.” 

“I’m _fine_ ,” Dean repeated. 

Jo held up her hands defensively. “Okay, I’ll be in the other room if you need me.”

Dean waved her off without even looking up and continued to work on the engine beneath his hands.

By the time he climbed into Baby, his shirt was drenched in sweat, his muscles ached, and it was just after 5:30. He sighed and fished his phone out of his pocket to find ten missed messages and three missed calls from a contact that he couldn’t remember putting in his phone: Gabriel. 

“Shit,” he muttered as he thumbed the messages open.

**From Gabriel at 3:43 P.M.:**

**Hey Dean-O**

**From Gabriel at 3:44 P.M.:**

**Dean, you there?**

**From Gabriel at 3:45 P.M.:**

**Dean??????**

**From Gabriel at 3:46 P.M.:**

**Dean, pick up your damn phone**

**From Gabriel at 3:47 P.M.:**

**Fuck this, I’m calling you**

**From Gabriel at 3:50 P.M.:**

**What the fuck are you doing, answer your damn phone!**

**From Gabriel at 4:00 P.M.:**

**Dean, you need to get over here, Cassie isn’t doing too hot**

**From Gabriel at 4:33 P.M.:**

**I’d come and get you but I don’t want to leave Cas alone**

**From Gabriel 5:01 P.M.:**

**D E A N**

**From Gabriel 5:13 P.M.:**

**Call me when you check your stupid messages** ****

Worry seized in his gut and, fearing the worst, he quickly pressed the call button beside Gabriel’s contact. Gabriel answered on the first ring. “Jesus Christ, it’s about damn time!” he gasped out in clear relief. 

“Sorry, I was busy. What’s wrong with Cas?” Dean asked in concern. 

“He’s off the fucking rails, that’s what’s wrong,” Gabriel replied. 

“What happened?” Dean asked as he turned the key in Baby’s ignition. 

“Just get your ass over here and see for yourself,” Gabriel grunted in response. 

The line went dead and Dean heaved a sigh and pulled up Sam’s contact as he drove. “Dean?” Sam answered. 

“Hey, Sammy, look I think I’m going to be late for dinner, something’s up with Cas,” Dean said. 

“Is he okay?” Sam asked.

“I don’t know,” Dean replied. “I’m headed to the house now.”

“Do you want me to come too?” 

“No, I’ll meet you at the restaurant after I’m done.” 

“Okay, if you’re sure.” 

“I am.” With that, Dean hung up and gripped the steering wheel tightly as he sped off down the street.

When he pulled into the driveway he didn’t even bother to go through the garage, he just made a beeline for the front door and pushed his way inside.

“Cas!? Gabriel!?” he called. 

“Upstairs!” came Gabriel’s muffled reply. 

Dean took the stairs two at a time and then practically ran down the hallway to the master bedroom. He didn’t know what he expected to walk into, but it certainly wasn’t the mess that he saw around him. 

The sheets were ripped from the bed, pillows were thrown in various directions of the room, feathers still drifted down to the ground and floated in the air, a white binder lay open on the ground, all the pages that had been torn from it were strewn around the floor in varying degrees of wholeness, but the most wrecked thing in the room wasn’t the sheets or the papers, it was Cas. 

Cas was sitting on the floor, beside one of the chairs that faced the window, his right arm was suspended above him where one handcuff was clamped around his wrist; his face was twisted into a frown and his eyes were red from tears. Gabriel sat in the chair that Cas was cuffed to and he turned to look at Dean when he walked in. 

“About damn time you got here,” he said as he stood up. 

Dean surveyed the room one more time, his mouth open slightly in shock. “What happened?” 

“Cas had a _small_ breakdown, that’s what happened,” Gabriel replied as he drew closer to Dean. “He won’t talk to me about it, so I called the only person that can get through his thick skull. You.” 

Before Dean could protest he was being shoved towards Cas and Gabriel was backing out of the room and scurrying down the stairs. Dean regained his footing but stayed planted a few feet from Cas; Cas avoided his gaze, his eyes focused on the chair leg to his left.

“Cas-” 

“Don’t,” Cas snapped before Dean could continue. His voice was raw, tear-scratched and worn out to a deep rasp. 

Dean sighed and sank to the ground, still keeping his distance. Gabriel had seemed to forget that if Dean was ever good at getting through to Cas, he no longer had that ability. Feeling the need to do something, he picked up a piece of torn paper that was sitting on the floor beside him and peered at the writing that was scrawled across the top. The halves of two words were visible: 

**...SAS ADOPT…**

Something suddenly clicked in Dean’s brain and he let out a small gasp. “Cas were we-” 

Cas’ head snapped up and fixed him with such a glare that Dean’s mouth clicked shut.

“I said. Don’t.” 

If Cas wouldn’t answer him then he’d just find the answers himself. Dean began to search for the rest of the paper in the scraps that were on the floor. It took him a good ten minutes before he managed to piece the puzzle of papers back together and his suspicions were confirmed. Dean stared at the document in front of him as the full title glared back at him:

**KANSAS ADOPTION CENTER: Your child waits for you**

Dean sat back on his heels and let out a long sigh. “Cas, I’m so sorry.” The chain of the handcuffs clinked against the chair as Cas shifted his body even further away from Dean. “Cas, we need to talk about this.” 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Cas retorted. 

“I beg to differ,” Dean replied. Guilt and sadness grappled in Dean’s stomach as he realized what kind of life he and Cas had been planning to have. 

Cas sniffed and Dean saw a tear leak from his eye. “I _can’t_ talk about this, Dean. Not right now, I just can’t.”

“If I could make this right, I would,” Dean said as he stood up, sadness pulling at his heartstrings. 

“There’s nothing you can do,” Cas said in a broken whisper. “It’s over, Dean. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve made up my mind,” Cas’ voice was shaking with more tears now and Dean was a split second from knowing what Cas was about to say right before he said it. “I want a divorce.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Drops this bomb of a chapter and runs off to go hide* PLEASE DON'T HATE ME. I'M GOING TO MAKE THIS RIGHT, I PROMISE! Hell I'll even PINKY PROMISE if it makes y'all feel better.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the beginning of me making things right. Everything is still a mess, but from here on out, we will be starting to take a turn for the better. 
> 
> I'd like to include a trigger warning for this chapter which is:  
> Suicide Attempt

Cas never thought he would be the one to say it, he never thought he’d be able to bring himself to speak the words. All along he’d only ever wanted Dean to stay, to try and work out this mess at each other’s sides, but with everything crumbling to dust around him, with waves crashing above his head, he was drowning, and he needed to reach the surface, so he did the only thing he could think of; he pushed Dean away. 

“A divorce?” Dean echoed.

Cas wasn’t sure what he heard in Dean’s voice. Was that hurt? Relief? Confusion? All three?

“Yes,” he forced himself to say, still not looking at Dean. 

“Okay,” Dean said. 

_That was definitely resignation_ , Cas noted. 

“I’m sorry,” Dean apologized quietly. 

Cas didn’t look up until he heard Dean’s footsteps on the stairs. He leaned against the chair, the metal of his own handcuffs bit into his wrist and he was vividly reminded of how he’d gotten into this situation in the first place. 

_Cas turned his face from the confines of his pillow and his eyes landed on a small white binder; with shaking hands, he reached out to pull it from its resting place on the edge of his bedside table. He pushed himself into a sitting position and pressed his back against the headboard as he slowly opened the binder. He moved through pages and pages of potential kids that he and Dean had been thinking about meeting for adoption. His fingers hovered over the picture of a small baby girl, only a few months old, with wisps of curly blond hair and bright blue eyes. Her name was typed under her picture:_ **_Claire_**

_Claire had been his and Dean’s favorite and they were supposed to meet her next weekend; Cas still hadn’t had the heart to call and cancel. Renewed anger for his current situation flared up inside him and soon he was tearing at the pages in the binder, ripping and crumpling the pliant white papers before discarding them on the floor. Once the binder was spent of paper he turned to the sheets on his bed, clawing and pulling at the fabric until it tore under his hands. He turned his aggression to the pillows next, beating them against the bed as feathers flew around him. He screamed as agony speared him and more tears fell in droplets from his eyes._

_He heard a voice somewhere behind him and he lashed out at it. Fingers closed around his wrists but he tugged against them, blind in his pain. The hands fell away momentarily until he felt something cold slap against his skin. A sharp tug forced him to stumble backwards and then he was being pushed to the ground beside his chair. The voice started talking again, sharp and loud in his pounding skull._

_“Cas!” Gabriel was shouting at him. “Castiel!” Cas felt Gabriel’s hands in his hair, gently soothing him like he used to do when they were kids and he had nightmares. “Cas, pull yourself together.”_

_But Cas couldn’t pull himself together. His body was trembling and his eyes were starting to run dry of tears, the only thing that kept him from trying to break something else in the room was the steel of his handcuffs- that Gabriel must have dug out from his police uniform- around his wrist._

_Cas could hear Gabriel typing at his phone and then after a little while he began to speak. “Dean, get you ass over here right now, do you hear me!?”_

_Cas tuned out the rest of Gabriel’s rambling until he heard the deep voice of his husband._

Dean’s retreating footsteps were soon replaced by the thundering of feet that could only belong to his brother. There was another set of footsteps too, ones that couldn’t possibly be Dean’s.

“What the _hell_ are you thinking!?” Gabriel shouted as he grabbed Cas by the shoulders and shook him. 

“Clearly, he’s _not_ thinking!” the owner of the other pair of footsteps was suddenly made clear by his voice. 

“What are you doing here, Sam?” Cas asked. 

“I came to help,” Sam replied. 

“I know what I’m doing,” Cas said gruffly as he tried to get away from his space-crowding brother. 

“No, you don’t,” Gabriel retorted. 

“Cas, you can’t do this,” Sam said as he too crouched down beside him. “Cas, I was at your wedding, you can’t turn your back on the vows you made. You can’t do that to Dean, to yourself. ‘For better or for worse’, remember?” 

Cas flinched at the words, if he had anymore tears left to cry he would have cried them. Sam was right of course. He’d made vows on his wedding day, vows to look after Dean, to be there when there were roadblocks ahead and to help him move around them. 

He nodded slowly. “I do remember. But that’s the _problem_.” He was the only one that remembered, the only one that had seen Dean’s eyes sparkle while he professed his love. 

Sam placed a hand on his shoulder. “It shouldn’t _be_ a problem, Cas. You have to be strong, you have to carry this weight for the both of you. That’s what marriage is about, being there when your partner is struggling. Dean’s tried to be here for you, he’s tried so _damn_ hard to make everything right, but you just kept pushing back and now, you’ve driven him away. Do you know how hard this has been for him? To accept what he’s been told to suppress for his whole life? To have his memories stolen from him and then to be tossed out by the man he’s been told _loves_ him.”

Shame made Cas keep his focus on the floor beneath him. Sam was right of course. Cas hadn’t thought about how his actions must have looked to Dean. He just thought that Dean would have wanted to be rid of him, to drive off in his beloved Impala and leave Cas in the rear-view mirror. 

“Cas, you need more help,” Gabriel said to Cas’ right. “I’m going to schedule an appointment with Missouri for tomorrow.” 

Cas heaved a sigh. Missouri Mosley was a stern but kind woman, that Cas was also pretty sure was at least partially psychic because she’d seemed to know everything Cas had wanted to say before he said it. She had been the therapist Cas had gone to see after he’d nearly killed himself. In the wake of hearing Missouri’s name, he couldn’t help the memory of the day he’d almost shot himself in the head from resurfacing. 

_Worthless. He was worthless. He couldn’t do anything right. He’d fucked up royally on his latest case, a case that was even being investigated by the federal government, and he’d screwed them all over. The suspect in a case of several serial murders had gotten away because he couldn’t keep his damn eyes open. For all he knew, the suspect had already hopped a plane and was halfway across the world._

_This wasn’t the first time he’d let someone down and he knew it probably wouldn’t be the last. It was then that Cas decided that he didn’t matter. He had no one, except for Gabriel and Dean, and they both deserved better than him. Words that his ex, Lucifer, had spoken to him long ago before their particularly nasty breakup rang in his head._

_“You’re useless, Castiel! You can’t do anything right! You break everything you touch!”_

_“Why don’t you just kill yourself already!”_

_“No one should be cursed with your existence!”_

_“You disgust me!”_

_Lucifer was right. He did break everything he touched. Dean and Gabriel didn’t need to worry, he would spare them from their misery and end it all tonight. No one needed him anymore, no one ever needed him in the first place._

_He climbed into his Ford and sped home, the gun against his hip reminded him of what he was about to do. For a moment, fear jolted through him, but he pushed it down and tightened his hands around the steering wheel._

_When he reached his apartment, he climbed the stairs to his room and made his way to his bedroom. He didn’t know if he wanted to leave a note, most people did, but Cas wasn’t sure he had anything to say, so instead he sat down on his bed and slowly unclipped his gun from his belt. The gun felt heavy in his hands and the smooth black polish was glossy against his fingers._

_Slowly, he slipped the safety off and pulled the slide. The echo of the gun loading filled the room and Cas once again felt terror tighten its hold on him. Was this really the best answer?_

_Yes. He told himself. Yes it was. It was the only way to stop letting everyone in his life down._

_In a movement that seemed like a puppet master pulling on strings, Cas raised the gun to his mouth and let his finger hover over the trigger. He shut his eyes. Just a little pressure from his pointer finger and it would all be over._

_Cas was about to curl his finger around the trigger and pull, when the door to his apartment flew open._

_“Cas!?” Dean’s voice filled the apartment and Cas tried to force himself to pull the trigger before he could be stopped, but Dean burst into his room before he could. Cas looked up at him and Dean’s eyes went wide. He held his hands out in a placating gesture as he took a small step towards Cas._

_“_ _Cas, don’t do this, please don’t do this.”_

_Cas pulled the gun from his mouth so he could speak. “I’m just doing you a favor,” he said. “I’m a burden, let me stop weighing you down.”_

_Pain and horror flashed across Dean’s face. “Cas, that’s not true. Please put the gun down and we can talk.” Cas didn’t put the gun down, instead he placed it back in his mouth. “Cas, please!” Dean pleaded in panic. He came closer and Cas felt his finger twitch over the trigger. “You can’t leave me, man,” Dean said, his voice sounded broken._

_“You’re better off without me,” Cas replied over the muzzle of his gun._

_“That’s not true, Cas. That’s the farthest thing from true.”_

_Dean was so close now, and Cas didn’t know what allowed him to let Dean place his hand over Cas’, which was quivering over the trigger, but he did. Slowly, Dean forced the gun from his mouth and out of his hands. Dean’s arms wrapped around Cas’ shoulders and Cas fell into them as he began to cry._

_“I’m going to get you help, okay? We’re going to figure all of this out. I’m here for you, Cas, whatever you need. Please just don’t leave, I need you, Cas. I-I love you.” Cas cried harder at Dean’s words as he burrowed deeper into Dean’s arms._

Cas did get help. He was suspended from the police force for three years until he was cleared of any suicidal tendencies, and through it all Dean was there; helping him through his rough nights, coaxing him to eat when he didn’t think he could, telling him he loved him over and over again until Cas was forced to believe it. That was how their relationship began, during those three years they’d fallen in love and they had been three of the best years of his life.

Now, sitting handcuffed to a chair, being confronted by his brother and brother-in-law, Cas regretted his words. In truth, he’d regretted them from the moment he’d spoken them. He hadn’t meant it, a divorce was the last thing he wanted, Dean gone was the last thing he wanted. 

Sam was right, he _had_ made a vow. He shouldn’t be pushing Dean away, he should be pulling him closer, that’s what he had promised to do on their wedding day. He’d promised never to leave him, no matter what, he couldn’t break that promise. 

He nodded slowly, swallowing down more tears. “Missouri is probably a good idea,” he admitted eventually. He finally pulled his eyes up to look at the concerned faces of Sam and Gabriel. “I’ve been acting like a real jerk recently, haven’t I?” 

“Just a little bit, yeah,” Gabriel replied. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“We’re not the ones you need to be apologizing to,” Sam said. 

Cas sighed, again, Sam was right. “Is Dean still here?” 

“No,” Sam replied. “He went back to Charlie’s.” 

“Is that where he’s staying?” Cas asked. 

Sam nodded. “Yes but I wouldn’t try to talk to him tonight, wait until tomorrow.”

As much as Cas wanted to see Dean right away, he knew Sam made a good point so he nodded. “Okay.” Now, he fixed his brother with a hard stare and jiggled his handcuffed wrist. “Are you going to uncuff me?”

“If you promise not to try and hit me again,” Gabriel replied. 

Cas rolled his eyes. “I promise.” 

Gabriel turned the key in the lock and let Cas rub at his newly freed wrist. “I’m sorry about all of this,” he said as he stood up and surveyed the trashed room. 

“We all have our breaking point,” Sam said with a shrug. 

Cas bent and picked up some of the shredded papers that littered the floor. Without even asking, Sam and Gabriel began to help him restore the room to its former glory. Once feathers had been vacuumed from the floor, the bed had been made, and the pillows had been replaced, Sam and Gabriel left the room and went downstairs. He heard them talking in low voices in the living room but he couldn’t discern what they were saying, and he didn’t care. He was too tired to care, so he collapsed on the mattress and let his exhaustion pull him into sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm not gonna lie, this is kind of a filler chapter, but after this chapter we're really going to start picking up speed in the recovery of Dean and Cas' relationship.

Dean didn’t expect to nearly run into Sam as he tried to book it through the doorway, but his younger, yet much taller, brother caught him by the shoulders before he could leave.

“Dean, what happened?” Sam asked. 

“Yeah, what happened?” Gabriel repeated as he came to join Sam in front of Dean. 

Dean pulled himself from Sam’s grip and his eyes slipped to the ground as he did so. “He asked for a divorce.”

Without waiting for their responses, Dean pushed past Sam and left the house. He slid behind the comfort of Baby’s wheel and sent himself off to Charlie’s. 

Charlie already seemed to know what had happened before Dean even opened his mouth. She brought him into a hug and then led him to the couch where an open carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream waited. 

“What’s this for?” Dean asked. 

“You’re going through a breakup, ice cream always helps,” Charlie replied as she handed him the carton. 

“I don’t know if I’d call it a break up, considering I can’t remember anything that happened between us,” Dean said, but he accepted the ice cream nonetheless. 

Charlie slapped a hand on his back and guided him onto the couch. “Alright, spill, how are you feeling?”

Dean shrugged and fiddled with the spoon in the ice cream. “I don’t know.” 

“Well, you seem sad to me,” Charlie observed. 

Dean shrugged again as he picked at a chocolate chip. “I might be sad, I might be happy, I really don’t know what I’m feeling.” 

Charlie narrowed her eyes at him and pulled one of her legs underneath her as she shifted on the couch. “I don’t think happy is the word I’d use.” Dean finally raised a spoonful of ice cream to his mouth and Charlie kept going. “I think you’ve been feeling a lot of things since you woke up, but you’re definitely not happy, disappointed is a better word. You’re disappointed that Cas wants a divorce.”

Dean didn’t know how Charlie did it, how she seemed to be able to read him like an open book. She was right. Disappointment did seem like the right word to describe what he was feeling, and he didn’t know why.

“How are you so good knowing what I’m feeling, even when I don’t?” he asked over his next mouthful of ice cream.

“It’s a gift,” Charlie replied. 

“I don’t even know why I’m disappointed. I have no memories to remind me of why I _should_ be disappointed.”

“It’s just a feeling,” Charlie said. She reached out and laid her hand over Dean’s heart, “In here, you know you love him,” she tapped at his head with her other hand, “even though up here, there’s nothing. Love isn’t in the head, Dean, it’s in the heart.” 

“So what am I supposed to do?”

“Don’t let him go,” Charlie replied. 

“But he wants-” 

“No, he doesn’t,” Charlie cut him off. “He’s only doing this because he thinks it’s what you want.”

“Or he’s doing it because having me around hurts too much,” Dean said. “If Cas wants out, then I’m going to let him get out, no matter what underlying feelings I might have.” 

Before Charlie could say anything else, her phone buzzed on the coffee table and she reached for it. A triumphant look came onto her face and she turned the screen around so Dean could read the message for himself.

“See?” 

**From Sam:**

**Cas doesn’t want a divorce, he’s just hurting a lot right now. Gabe made an appointment with Missouri.**

Dean knew that the pressure that released in his chest was relief and he let out a breath. “Who’s Missouri?” he asked.

“His therapist,” Charlie replied. “She helped him after he nearly killed himself.” 

Dean nodded. “I think a therapist is the right call, Cas didn’t seem like he was exactly stable upstairs. Not that I’m one to talk.” 

Charlie chuckled and put her phone back on the table. “Everything’s going to work out, I just know it.” 

****

“I don’t know, Jo. I don’t think a party is something I should be going to right now.” 

“Oh come on! My mom’s making her famous pot roast,” Jo said as she clung to Dean’s arm with pleading eyes.

Dean sighed. “Fine, but I’m only staying for a few hours.” 

“Yes!” Jo exclaimed in excitement. “Six o’clock, don’t be late.” 

“I won’t be,” Dean replied as he turned back to the car he was working on.

****

Dean had only had time to run back to Charlie’s to grab a fresh shirt and wipe as much grease from his body as he could with a washcloth before he had to be at the Harvelle household. Now, he stood awkwardly on the front doorstep, waiting to be let in. 

When the door flew open, Ellen Harvelle greeted him by pulling him into a tight hug, one that caused him to gasp in pain from his only barely healed ribs.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Ellen said as she released him. 

“It’s okay,” Dean replied through a few deep breaths. 

Ellen stepped aside and gestured into the house. “Please, come in.” 

Dean entered the house which was buzzing with activity. He spotted Ash, the town genius (although Charlie could rival him any day), Bobby Singer, an old friend of Dean’s father and Dean’s current boss at Singer’s Auto and Repair shop, was sitting slumped in a chair nursing a beer, Jo was laughing with a tall skinny man that Dean instantly recognized as Garth, an old high school friend. Dean went over to Jo and Garth, snagging a beer from a table as he did so. 

“You made it!” Jo exclaimed as she slung an arm around Dean’s shoulder and pulled him close. 

“I made it,” Dean replied. 

“Dean!” Garth slurred as he stumbled forwards. “So, good to see you amigo. I heard about your accident, I’m glad you’re okay.” 

“I’m mostly okay, yeah,” Dean said.

“Dean!” 

Ash’s voice made Dean turn to look at him. “Hey, Ash.” 

“How are you?” Ash asked. 

“I’m doing okay,” Dean replied.

It was a lie.

He wasn’t doing okay, he was doing pretty shitty, but he didn’t want to drag everyone’s good mood down with his personal drama. He was here for a good time with some friends and some excellent food. 

“Ash isn’t bothering you, is he?” Ellen asked as she stopped beside him. 

“Not at all,” Dean replied. 

“Well, foods about ready so why don’t you start making your way into the kitchen, we’re doing buffet style.” 

“Awesome,” Dean said.

Once everyone had their food, Ellen put the music on low and a light conversation was passed around. Dean answered questions as politely as he could but he avoided any and all inquiries about Cas. 

“So, Dean, when are you getting that cast off?” Jo asked. 

“A few weeks, I think,” Dean replied. 

“I can’t wait to have you back at full power in the garage,” Jo said. 

“Yeah, me too,” Dean agreed. He continued to make small talk, wondering when he’d finally be free to escape back to Charlie’s. 

As the night wore on, Jo started to sense his unease and she slung her arm around his waist and pulled him towards the door. “You don’t have to stay any longer, I can tell you’re tired.” 

Dean sighed in relief. “Thank you.” 

“But you better say goodbye to my mother or she’ll hunt you down,” Jo warned. Dean chuckled but nodded and went off to find Ellen.

“You’re leaving so soon?” Ellen asked when Dean found her.

“I’ve had a long day and I’ve got a bit of a headache,” Dean replied, it was the truth anyway. 

“Oh that’s a shame,” Ellen said. “Well, thank you for coming, it was great to see you.” 

“You too,” Dean replied as Ellen pulled him into a light hug, this time she was careful not to squeeze too hard. 

“Drive safe!” she called after him.

Dean shot her a thumbs up and a smile as he backed towards the door where Jo was waiting to bid him goodbye. “I’m sorry to have made you come,” she said. 

Dean shrugged. “It wasn’t completely awful, the food was great.” 

Jo gently smacked him on the shoulder and then hugged him. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow, right?” 

“Right,” Dean confirmed. Jo got the door and then Dean was out into the spring night air. 

Charlie was sitting in the living room watching _Star Trek_ when Dean came through the door. “How was the party?” she asked. 

“Painful,” Dean replied. 

“That bad, huh?” 

“It wasn’t awful, I just wasn’t in the partying kind of mood.” 

Charlie patted the couch next to her and held up a bowl of popcorn. “Well, you’re welcome come watch some TV with me and eat some overly buttered popcorn.” 

“That sounds amazing, but I think I’m just going to go to bed,” Dean replied. “Rain check?” 

Charlie sighed but nodded. “Rain check.” 

Dean kicked off his shoes and then headed into the guest room where he promptly collapsed onto his bed. A moment later, his phone buzzed and he pulled it from his back pocket to look at the message. 

**From Cas:**

**We need to talk.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I'm back! I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's been reading and enjoying this fic! I treasure all of your comments and your subscriptions mean so much to me! So thank you! I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

Cas was nervous. He hadn’t seen Missouri in two years and he’d hoped he’d never have to see her again. It wasn’t that he didn’t like her, he loved the woman, but going to her office meant that something was wrong with him and he hated talking about his feelings to a shrink, even if the shrink in question was Missouri Moseley. He couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing up and down as he sat in the small waiting room while he pretended to be engrossed in a magazine about cleaning products. 

“Relax,” Gabriel muttered from beside Cas. He’d insisted on accompanying him to the office, even though he couldn't come into the room when Cas and Missouri talked. Cas ignored his brother and flipped a page in his magazine as his leg continued to bounce. Gabriel huffed a sigh and Cas saw him sink lower in his chair, legs crossed in front of him as his fingers tapped against the armrest. 

“Castiel Novak?” Cas looked up at the voice and his eyes locked with Missouri’s. He stood up and made his way over to her where she smiled at him kindly. “Well, it is good to see you again, how are you?” 

“In truth, not well,” Cas replied.

It sounded odd to admit it, he’d been repressing the idea that he needed help for too long and to finally say it outloud was like a weight lifting off his shoulders. He was not okay.

“Well, let’s see what we can do about that, shall we?”

Cas nodded and they entered Missouri’s office which was small yet spacious. Across the room sat a gray three-seat couch with two red throw pillows on either side of it, facing the couch were two red chairs that sat in the center of the room, and finally a desk stretched out to the side of the couch and chairs, neatly teeming with files and folders. 

“Take your pick of seating,” Missouri offered. 

Cas went straight to the couch; it was where he used to sit and he didn’t intend to change that now. Once he was situated, Missouri sat across from him in one of the chairs and pulled a folder onto her lap. 

“So, Castiel, tell me what’s on your mind.”

Cas hadn’t thought this part through, having to put all of his jumbled thoughts into words. He’d hoped Missouri could just read his mind and he’d be spared of talking about his _feelings_ , but Cas knew that if he wanted to get help, he had to open up and start talking about everything that had happened. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly through his mouth. 

“These past two weeks have been a lot,” Cas began. “My husband, Dean, he… he was in a bad accident, and he…” Cas’ throat began to close up as tears started to take root in his eyes. “He doesn’t remember me.” 

Missouri’s expression remained neutral as she jotted something down in the notebook in front of her. She was patient as Cas went through everything. Showing up at the scene of the accident, waiting for him to wake up in the hospital, letting Dean go home with Sam for a week, he talked about the feeling of being so close to back to normal when Dean came home that it hurt, allowing Dean to take him out bowling, and then finally telling him to leave.

The whole time Missouri just wrote in her notebook and nodded along kindly as he spoke. She offered him tissues when the tears came and a glass of water when he felt like he’d swallowed sandpaper. By the time he’d finished speaking, he was trembling and embarrassment was burning red on his cheeks. 

“Just breathe for me, Castiel, okay?” Missouri soothed him. Cas took slow breaths and Missouri nodded her encouragement until he had finally stopped shaking. “Good. Now, you’ve given me quite a lot of information and based off of your previous record, it is my job to ask, have you had any suicidal thoughts since Dean’s accident?” 

Cas shook his head. “No.” 

Missouri scribbled something into her notebook and then met Cas’ eyes. “Okay, good, good.” She folded her hands over her notebook and then fixed Cas with a look that he remembered well, the look that seemed to delve into his soul and read him. “You’re sad,” she said after a moment. “But you’re also scared and angry. Those three emotions, they’re never good together, they lead people to do crazy things.” 

More tears bubbled in Cas’ eyes and he lowered his gaze to his hands. “It all just _hurts_. It hurts so much, it hurts when Dean’s close but it also hurts when he’s away. Everything hurts, Missouri, and I don’t know how to make it stop.” 

Missouri’s eyes trailed thoughtfully over Cas. “Which one hurts less?” she asked.

“When he’s close--no, when he’s away-- no, I-I don’t know,” Cas replied as he hung his head, shoulders drooping. 

“Only you can decide what you want, Castiel. It may take some time, but eventually you will figure it out. In the meantime, I can only suggest that you speak with Dean, you don’t have to invite him back home, but you can’t leave him in the dark. Throwing him out like that must have confused him, he deserves an explanation and you’re the only one that can give it to him.” 

Cas sighed. “I know I have to talk to him. He only ever tried to be there for me, he’s been so strong and I’ve been a complete mess.” 

“Do not invalidate your own feelings,” Missouri snapped at him. “I thought I taught you better than that in our last sessions. You deserve to _feel,_ Castiel. Just because Dean is the one with the missing memories, does not mean you’re not allowed to let it affect you.” 

“I know, I know,” Cas said through the crack of his tear-ridden voice. 

“You need to take this in baby steps, Castiel. Take care of yourself and your needs first, but you also really need to speak with Dean, let him know where you stand and why, don’t shut him out just because you’re confused. He is still your husband after all, and communication is key in any relationship.” 

Cas nodded. “Okay, I’ll talk to him.” 

“That a boy.” Missouri placed his folder and notebook on the coffee table in front of her and smiled at him. “Unfortunately, we’re out of time, but I will see you again next week.” 

_Out of time, already?_ He must have talked for longer than he’d thought.

“Thank you, see you next week,” Cas replied. 

Missouri stood up and pulled him into a hug. “You could mention me to Dean, if you want, being able to talk to someone might help him.” 

“I’ll bring it up,” Cas said as he returned her hug. Missouri led Cas back to the waiting room and smiled at him before she called her next patient. 

“How’d it go?” Gabriel asked as they headed for the door. 

“It was okay,” Cas replied. 

“It looks like you got a lot off your chest,” Gabriel said with a small chuckle. 

_Fuck. His face was still red from crying, wasn’t it?_

“Yeah, I did,” he replied through a sniff. 

“Well, let’s get you home and I’ll whip us up some lunch.” 

Cas didn’t say a word during the drive, he just kept playing with his phone, his finger hovering over Dean’s contact as he tried to bring himself to text. He couldn’t find the words, so he stuffed his phone back in his pocket and chose to stare out of the window instead. 

Gabriel headed straight for the kitchen when they got back to the house, and Cas went into the living room and flicked on the TV. He found some boring baking show and settled back to watch it, not really registering what was on the screen. He just wanted the noise, he didn’t care what was playing. 

Gabriel made them chicken fajitas and Cas couldn’t help but moan over the tortilla. “This is amazing, how did you learn to make this?” he asked. 

Gabriel smirked. “Kali’s been teaching me a thing or too.” 

Kali, right, the head chef at one of the fanciest restaurants in Kansas, _Elysian Fields_. “Well send her my thanks.” 

After Cas had scarfed down two fajitas, he and Gabriel cleaned up and then Cas made his way upstairs to his office. Even though he wasn’t working he still had almost a weeks worth of paperwork to catch up on. 

It was boring and tedious, and the day wore itself out as Cas flipped through page after page of arrest records, DUI’s, and robbery’s. His eyes were blurring the lines in front of him when he finally decided to go to bed. 

He was sitting propped up against the headboard, phone in his hand, screen lighting up his face. He was staring at the message box with Dean’s name hovering over it and his fingers were millimeters from the keypad. Steeling himself, he typed out a short message, getting straight to the point. 

**You sent:**

**We need to talk.**

Half a minute later, Dean typed out a reply. 

**Dean sent:**

**I agree. Tomorrow. Noon. Lunch?**

**You sent:**

**Lunch works. Where?**

**Dean sent:**

**You pick.**

**You sent:**

**Biggerson’s it is, then.**

**Dean sent:**

**See you then.**

  
_That wasn’t so hard_ , he thought as he set his phone on his nightstand and plugged in the charger. Tomorrow he was going to straighten everything out, and explain his actions to Dean. He fell asleep with a nervous knot in his stomach, hoping that even after everything, Dean would still want to be a part of Cas’ life.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, we are picking up speed down this long windy road of fixing things :)

Dean stepped up to the pick-up section of _Angel’s Halo_ and once he had his order, he raised his coffee cup in a thank you gesture to the woman behind the counter and headed back outside. It was just after nine am, he still had three hours until he was meeting Cas for lunch and his stomach was in complete unrest. He couldn’t identify his feelings as anything other than nerves. 

Cas had met with Missouri and he could only assume that she was the reason Cas wanted to talk. He didn’t know why he was nervous. He knew from Sam’s text to Charlie that Cas no longer wanted a divorce and Dean was increasingly finding that he also didn’t want a divorce. Something was buried deep in Dean’s mind, locked away in a box that didn’t seem to have a key to it, and no matter how hard he scratched and clawed and tugged, it wouldn’t open. 

He was certain now, more certain than he’d ever been about anything, that he couldn’t lose Cas. When Cas had kicked him out he’d been confused, he’d thought maybe it was for the best, maybe he could leave and try to find an apartment, stay out of Cas’ way, but he hadn’t even started to look for a new residence. There had always been something tugging at his heartstrings, pulling him in whatever direction Cas was in. Dean was learning that love couldn’t simply be erased just because memories had. The body remembered, and Dean’s body _definitely_ remembered that he loved Cas. 

Dean brought his coffee cup to his mouth and sipped slowly at the warm liquid. He’d taken the day off from work but he didn’t know what he was going to do while he waited for noon to draw closer. He pulled open the door to his car and climbed inside and set the coffee cup in the cup holder before he brought Baby to life. Dean supposed a nice drive wouldn’t hurt to help waste some time, so he stepped on the gas and set off down the street. 

****

Cas was waiting for Dean at a table when he arrived at Biggerson’s and he slid into the chair opposite his husband.

“Can I start you off with something to drink?” the waiter asked. 

“Water’s fine thanks,” Dean replied without sparing the waiter a glance, his attention was on Cas. “Cas, listen-” 

“No Dean, I’d like to go first,” Cas interrupted. 

Dean sat back, slightly affronted, but nodded. “Yeah, okay, sure.” 

Cas took a deep breath and clasped his hands together on the table. “I want to start by apologizing for my actions. I shouldn’t have told you to leave. I’ve been difficult, when you were only trying to help make things seem okay again. I guess…” Cas trailed off, gaze fixed on his own water glass that was slick with condensation. Dean watched his eyes follow a drop of water as it slid down the glass to melt into the napkin underneath it. “I guess it was just too similar to how our lives used to be and I… I couldn’t handle it so I told you to go because it… it hurt too much.” 

Dean nodded slowly. His fingers itched to cover Cas’ hand but he didn’t want to overstep so he settled his hands on the table instead, mirroring Cas’ position. “I understand, Cas.” 

Cas’ eyes snapped to his, blue and shining with tears. “You do?” 

“Of course, man. I guess I thought you’d want it to be similar, I didn’t think that it would cause you pain. I’m sorry.” 

Cas sniffed and wiped at his eyes. “I don’t want a divorce, if you don’t, that is.” 

Dean couldn’t resist anymore, he reached for Cas’ hands and held them tight. “I don’t. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, Cas, and I’ve been listening to a lot of advice, and I’m willing to give us another shot, if you are. Even though I don’t have my memories, I feel a connection to you that I can’t explain as anything other than love. I’m not saying this is going to be easy, it’s going to be hard on both of us, but I’d like to get to know you...again, if you’ll let me.”

Cas’ eyes were leaking so profusely with tears that he had to take a good thirty seconds to wipe them away. “I’d like that, Dean,” he finally managed to say. 

Dean grinned. “Awesome.” The waiter returned and Dean and Cas placed their orders and then Dean asked, “How did it go yesterday?”

“I wouldn’t call it a raging success, but it wasn’t a complete bust either. I will say that Missouri thinks you might benefit from a meeting with her too. She says that talking to someone might help,” Cas replied. 

“Does it help you?” Dean asked. 

“It does, I’d have been dead four years ago if it didn’t.”

Dean nodded carefully. He’d never been one for therapists, they always spewed the same self-love crap and he didn’t feel like a plush couch and a complete stranger was going to be able to help him feel any better about his current situation.

“I’ll take it under consideration,” he said anyway. 

Cas shifted in his seat, fingers curling around his water glass. “Um, Dean.” 

“Yeah, Cas?” 

“Would you, um, would you want to come back home after lunch? I understand if you don’t.” 

Dean smiled warmly at him, his heart soaring in his chest. “Yes, I think I’d like to come back home with you.” 

“Really?” Cas asked, disbelief clung to his words. 

“Really,” Dean affirmed. 

“Thank you,” Cas said, almost too quietly for Dean to hear. 

“For what?” Dean asked, in a low whisper. 

“For not giving up on me,” Cas replied sincerely. “Even though I gave up on you.” 

“You didn’t give up on me, Cas,” Dean said. 

“No, but I did.” Cas sniffed and drank slowly from his water. “We made vows, Dean, and I broke them, and you… you never did, even though you couldn’t remember them. I was supposed to be the one caring for you, the strong one, but in the end it was you. It’s always you, Dean. No matter what life throws at you, you still get up and fight and I couldn’t fight for both of us when you needed me to. For that, I am sorry.” 

“Don’t blame yourself for matters out of your control, Cas,” Dean said. “I don’t know if I’d have been able to keep it together if I were in your position either. Please don’t feel guilty about how you reacted, I understand why you threw me out, and I forgive you.” 

“You’re too good for me, Dean,” Cas murmured. 

“I don’t think that’s true,” Dean replied, again reaching for Cas’ hands. Cas let him slide their fingers together and Dean held Cas’ gaze. “I never thought I was good enough for anyone, or that anyone was good enough for me, and I still don’t, but you might just change my mind.” Cas’ lips split into a gummy smile and more tears pearled from his eyes. 

Soon, they were laughing and enjoying burgers and fries and Dean was starting to think that everything was going to be okay. He didn’t need his memories to fall back in love with Cas, there was something so beautiful about him that Dean found himself already falling head over heels for him as if he hadn’t done it before. 

****

“This is great!” Charlie exclaimed when Dean showed up at her apartment, Cas in tow, to gather his things. 

“Just calm down, Charlie,” Dean said with a chuckle. 

“I will not! You’re fixing things, this is good!” Charlie chattered as she helped Dean throw articles of clothing into his duffel bag. 

“Fixing, being the key word, we’re still pretty broken,” Dean replied with a small chuckle. 

“I have faith in you two,” Charlie said as she tossed a black shirt at Dean’s chest, he caught it and pushed it into the depths of his bag. Charlie’s eyes fell onto Cas where he was sitting watching Dean with his intense blue gaze. Her knowing sort of smile as she looked at them made Dean stare at her in confusion. 

“What?” 

“Just... ‘the things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect’,” she recited. 

Dean rolled his eyes. The only reason he knew what that quote was from was because Charlie had forced him to binge all eight _Harry Potter_ movies over one weekend...multiple times. “Did you just quote Luna Lovegood at me?” 

Charlie smirked, her eyes dancing with mischief. “Of course I did, because she’s right.” 

Dean zipped up his bag and slung it over his shoulder. “Well, I’ll keep that in mind.” 

“You better, they’re wise words,” Charlie replied as she reached forward to pull him into a hug. 

Dean wrapped his arms around her, smiling over the top of her head so he could look at Cas. Cas smiled back at him.

“Wise words indeed,” Dean said.

“Alright, get out,” Charlie said as she shoved Dean towards the door and turned to gently punch Cas’ arm. 

“Yes, ma’am,” Dean replied with a salute. 

Cas followed Dean towards the door and Charlie waved them off.

“Who is Luna Lovegood?” Cas asked as they made their way to Dean’s car. 

Dean nearly tripped over his own feet at the question, he covered it up with a laugh. “Don’t let Charlie hear you ask that, she’ll hold you captive and force you to watch the movies.” 

“What movies?” Cas asked as they reached the Impala and climbed into the front seats. 

“ _Harry Potter,_ ” Dean replied. “Despite the fact that I was forced against my will to watch all _eight_ movies, I found that I rather enjoyed them. I think you’d probably prefer to read the books though, you don’t strike me as a movie guy.” 

Cas gave a surprised jolt at Dean’s words. “How’d you know?”

Dean smirked, memories or no memories he could still read Cas as if he’d been living with him his whole life.

“Just a feeling,” Dean replied with a shrug. He gestured up and down Cas’ body with his hand. “You scream book nerd.”

Cas chuckled. “Well, you’re not wrong. I do tend to prefer to read, although I find that I quite enjoy television.” 

Dean smirked again at having been right, started the car, and set them off towards their house. Cas smiled, eyes shining, and Dean couldn’t help but smile too as he let his arm hang out of his rolled down window. It was a beautiful spring day, April was coming to an end and May was just around the corner, before they knew it, summer would be upon them. A new season was just what Dean felt that he and Cas needed, it was time to turn over a new leaf and start things from the beginning… again.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this chapter longer than usual because this story has hit just over 100 subscribers!!! I can't believe that, wow. Thank you guys so much <3 I seriously can't tell you how much all your dedication and love towards this story means to me. Thank you thank you thank you!
> 
> I thought I'd give you guys a bit of a treat for sticking with me this long. This chapter is kind of cute and fluffy, so brace yourselves for adorableness and Dean being an absolute sweetheart.

Three weeks, that’s how long it had been since he and Dean had sat down in Biggerson’s to talk, and Cas had to admit that things had been going pretty smoothly since then. Dean still slept in one of the guest rooms, but Cas liked having him around, even if his heart twinged painfully whenever he looked at him. Seeing Missouri helped, he had regular weekly meetings with her and if he was finding that he needed more than one session, Missouri would happily squeeze him into her schedule. Some days were harder than others to get through, but Dean was always there to help him through the worst of it and reassure him that he wasn’t going to leave.

Today, was a hard day; he’d been dreading this day since Dean’s accident. Today was a day that Cas had hoped he’d get to spend with Dean in bed, sipping wine, and watching crappy television which would then be followed by a romantic dinner for two at a nearby restaurant. At first, he’d been afraid that Dean wouldn’t make it to this day at all, that Cas would have to spend it alone, but what Cas actually had to endure, was almost worse. It was May 20th, the day that marked three years of marriage to the love of his life, it was a day that Dean couldn’t even remember happening, and that thought alone was enough for tears to well in Cas’ eyes. 

Cas was standing in the kitchen, unloading groceries from a paper bag, when the familiar rumble of the Impala pulling into the driveway graced his ears. He continued stowing groceries in the fridge and cabinets but by the time he was done, Dean still hadn’t come inside. Confused, Cas slipped on his shoes and made his way out into the garage, what he saw made a gasp push its way out of his throat. 

Dean was leaning against the Impala, he was dressed in a dark suit, his hair was freshly combed, and in his hands was a bouquet of roses. Lined up behind him, on the roof of the Impala, all the way down to the trunk and the hood, were candles, flickering happily in the soft spring breeze that was coming through the open garage door. 

“Dean,” Cas breathed out in shock. 

Dean took a step towards him and held out the flowers. “Happy Anniversary.” 

Cas’ fingers closed around the stems of the bouquet and his hand brushed against Dean’s as he pulled away. “How did you…” 

Dean let out a low chuckle at Cas’ confusion. “Did you really think Sam, Gabriel, and Charlie were going to let this day slip by without telling me it was our anniversary?” 

Cas hadn’t, in fact, thought that his brother-in-law, brother, and a particular meddling red-head would tell Dean about the date’s significance, and he cursed himself for not thinking of it.

“Oh,” was all he said, still trying to struggle through his utter surprise. 

Dean stepped away from Cas, his eyes shifted to the floor as he ran a hand over the back of his head. “If I’m being honest though, I kinda wish _you’d_ been the one to tell me.” Cas watched Dean drag his eyes back up to meet his’ and there was something that resembled hurt brewing in their green depths. “Why _didn’t_ you tell me, Cas?”

It was Cas’ turn to look at the floor. The plastic wrapping around the flowers crinkled in his grip and he took a moment to compose himself before responding. “I don’t know,” he admitted as he began to examine the sweet smelling roses under his nose, gently touching the pads of his fingers to their petals. “I guess I just thought you wouldn’t want to know.” 

“Of course I’d want to know!” Dean protested. 

Cas was slightly taken aback by Dean’s response but he forced himself to finally look at his husband. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” 

Dean nodded and then sniffed. “Apology accepted,” he said. “Now, go get changed, we have reservations.”

“Reservations?” Cas echoed. “Where?”

Dean grinned mischievously. “ _Elysian Fields_.” 

Cas gaped at him. “Seriously?”

Despite Kali practically owning the restaurant, Cas had only been there a few times with Gabriel and had never expected that it would be the venue for his anniversary dinner, a few minutes ago he hadn’t even thought he’d _get_ an anniversary dinner.

“Yeah, your brother practically forced it onto me, but I’m not going to complain, he said he’d pay for it,” Dean replied. 

Cas was so surprised that he nearly dropped the roses in his hand. “I-I can’t believe it.” 

“Well could you at least try to, we’ll be late if you don’t hurry up,” Dean said with a chuckle as he moved over to the candles and began to blow them out one by one. 

Cas started at Dean’s words. “Right, sorry.” 

He stumbled inside, quickly filled a vase with water for the flowers and then rushed upstairs, pulling off his t-shirt as he went. He toed off his shoes and then ripped open the doors to the closet so he could find the suit he kept there. Once he was dressed, he hastily tied a blue tie around his neck and then slipped his feet into his black dress shoes. A brief look in the mirror made him search for a comb to tamp down his unruly hair, but once he was done, he raced back down the stairs and pulled his trench coat from the hook in the mudroom. 

He was out of breath when he came into the garage to find Dean waiting patiently by the driver’s side door, arms leaning nonchalantly against the roof of the car, keys dangling between his fingers. Cas didn’t miss the way Dean licked his lips when his eyes fell onto him. Dean cleared his throat and pulled open his door. “Ready?” Cas nodded and stepped into the Impala.

When they reached the restaurant, Dean practically ran from the car and over to Cas’ door so he could pull it open. Cas tried to hide his smile as Dean offered him his hand. “Dean, this isn’t necessary,” he said. 

“I insist,” Dean replied. His warm fingers wrapped around Cas’ hand and he led him inside. 

Even though Cas had been to the _Elysian Fields_ before, he couldn’t help but marvel at the glass ceiling that was decorated with chandeliers and warm yellow lights, and the pristine white tables that waited to be occupied. 

“May I take your name?” a man asked when they approached. 

“We have a reservation under Winchester,” Dean replied. 

The man checked the screen in front of him, nodded, and then picked up two menus and gestured for them to follow him. “Right this way.” 

They were brought to a table that was decorated with a candle and flower petals, Cas couldn’t help but think that Gabriel and Dean had really outdone themselves, but he smiled all the same and let Dean get his chair for him. After the waiter had taken their drink orders, Cas busied himself by looking at the menu. 

“You know,” Dean said as Cas’ eyes were skimming across the menu. “It’s nice of Gabriel to take care of our bill, but judging by our house, and the expensive clothes that make up the closet, we aren’t lacking in money. I’ve been meaning to ask how that is, our jobs don’t exactly pay super well.” 

Cas knew this topic was going to come up sooner or later. He sighed and set the menu down so that Dean could have his full attention. “Long story short, my mother was a very rich woman,” Cas replied simply. 

Dean quirked an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Yes, she was a very powerful business woman. When she passed Gabriel and I got half of everything she owned, which consisted of a considerable amount of money.”

“What made you decide to work for the police? It sounds like you could have done anything, with resources like that.” 

“I went to college and all that,” Cas said as his eyes returned to the menu in front of him. “I started out thinking I was going to go into business, like my mother, but the longer I stayed in that field, the more I realized that it wasn’t for me. So I took a variety of classes to see if anything would stick. I found that I had an interest in law, but I didn’t want to be a lawyer or anything like that. I wanted the hands on, out in action, kind of thing, and so here I am.” 

“Wow,” Dean said in awe. 

Cas blushed. “It’s not that interesting.” 

“I think you’re very interesting,” Dean countered, his words deepened Cas’ blush. 

Cas didn’t have a reply, but luckily for him the waiter returned to take their orders. Cas still didn’t know what he wanted, but when Dean ordered a steak, Cas decided to go that route too. When the waiter left, promising to be back with a bottle of wine, Dean met Cas’ eyes; there was a shyness in them, and Cas tilted his head to the side in curiosity. 

“What?”

Dean’s shoulders twitched, as if Cas had scared him, and he licked his lips nervously. “I was just wondering if…” 

“If?” Cas prompted. 

“Can you tell me about our first date?” Dean asked hesitantly. 

Cas snorted in laughter at Dean’s request. “It was horrendous.” 

“You don’t have to tell the story, if you don’t want to,” Dean amended quickly. 

Cas waved a hand through the air. “No, it’s fine. It wasn’t like the date wasn’t a success,” he said as he held up his ring-laden hand, “we just ran into a few complications.” Dean raised his eyebrows in a gesture for Cas to explain further.

_Cas stared at his reflection in the mirror. His hair was being incredibly uncooperative today and refused to stop sticking up in the back, no matter how much water he applied. With a growl of frustration, he pressed the teeth of his comb into the strands of unruly hair and held it there for a minute, hoping it would keep the cowlick down. After another five minutes of splashing water over his head and combing it back down, he deemed his hair good enough, and went to go get dressed._

_Dean had promised that the restaurant they were going to was not at all fancy, but Cas still felt like he should at least wear a nice shirt to accompany the jeans he was sporting. He chose a faded white button down but left out the tie, and then slipped into his brown and white sneakers._

_Dean would be at his apartment any minute now and he began to pace, wringing his hands together in anticipation. He hadn’t been on a date in_ years _but he genuinely liked Dean and hoped he wouldn’t be too awkward, which was never a given with Cas, he seemed to have an affinity for indirectly making things awkward._

_Cas was certain that he was beginning to wear a hole in the carpet when there was a knock at the door. Cas rushed towards the door handle, nearly tripping over himself to do so. When he pulled open the door, Dean was dressed in a tight black shirt and a red leather jacket and he was leaning casually against the wall, one hand raised above his head as it rested in the doorframe while the fingers of his other hand were hooked around the belt loop of his jeans. He smirked at Cas, eyes fluttering over Cas’ face._

_“Hey sweetheart,” Dean greeted. “Ready to go?”_

_Cas was already distracted by the wonderful display of freckles that stood out against perfectly tanned skin, and the verdant green eyes that glowed in the hallway light. “Uh, yeah, I’m ready,” Cas replied._

_He followed Dean outside and into his car and then set them off down the street. Dean spared a few glances over at him as he drove and Cas returned them with a small smile. When Dean pulled up to the parking lot of a Roadhouse, Cas was suddenly glad he’d decided to forgo any nicer forms of attire._

_Cas let Dean lead the way, and as soon as they entered the Roadhouse they were greeted by a young blond woman. “Hey, Dean.” Cas raised an eyebrow at her familiarity to him, clearly Dean came here a lot._

_“Hey, Jo. Table for two please,” Dean replied with a smile._

_Jo brought them over to a booth and then asked, “Can start you with a drink?”_

_“I’ll take a beer,” Dean answered._

_“Make that two,” Cas added._

_“Two beers, comin’ right up,” Jo said with a grin._

_Cas picked up his menu, but Dean didn’t touch his. “Are you not going to get anything?” he asked._

_Dean chuckled. “Oh I already know what I want.”_

_“I take it you come here often,” Cas said._

_“I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be a pick up line or an observation,” Dean replied with a laugh._

_“It’s more of an observation, but take it any way you want,” Cas said with a shrug as he tried to hide his smile._

_Dean sighed and leaned back in his seat. “I do come here a lot. Jo works with me at the garage, but her mother, Ellen, owns the Roadhouse and so she picks up shifts here after she’s done at the garage.”_

_Cas nodded. “I see.”_

_“They’re good friends, helped me and my brother out when we were kids and my Dad…” Dean trailed off and Cas raised his head in time to see the walls go up in Dean’s eyes. “Sorry, it’s not exactly a good first date story to tell.”_

_Cas took the opening. “Well maybe you can tell me on our second date.”_

_Dean’s eyes went wide for a minute, pupils dilating as he registered what Cas had said. “You think there’ll be a second date?”_

_“Well I’d say this is going pretty well so far, I’m not opposed to going out again in the near future,” Cas replied._

_Dean grinned. “Good, that’s uh, good, me too.”_

_Cas returned his smile and then continued to stare at the menu in his hands. He was fairly certain that he was just going to go with a classic cheeseburger and a side of fries. After Jo delivered their drinks and took their orders, Dean fixed Cas with a stare._

_“Yes, Dean?” he asked, biting back a smile._

_“You’re just so handsome,” Dean said with a sigh._

_Cas blushed involuntarily. “You’re not so bad yourself.”_

_Dean’s blush reached the tips of his ears and Cas smiled over the rim of his beer. “So, uh, how’d a guy like you end up in law enforcement?”_

_“I like helping people, it’s as simple as that.”_

_Dean hummed over his own mouthful of beer. “You and me both, except I channel my helpful energy into fixing people’s broken cars,” he said with a chuckle._

_“Well you’re very good at what you do,” Cas said. “My car hasn’t had any problems since you fixed it.”_

_Dean blushed again and tried to hide it by playing with the sticker on his beer bottle. “Well I’m happy to hear that.”_

_Cas was really enjoying the evening. He felt like he could talk to Dean for hours and never tire of it, and Dean seemed to feel the same way, but it was just after their food arrived that things started to go wrong._

_The Roadhouse shook as thunder rumbled in the air. The harsh sound of rain pounding against the windows filled the room and drowned out the sound of cutlery scraping against plates. The TV above the bar counter began to flash with a tornado warning and Cas’ phone buzzed in his pocket with an additional reminder to ‘seek shelter’._

_Customers were standing up from their seats in panic, running for the door or ducking under tables. Cas’ police training instantly kicked in and he stood up and began to help people make their way to the bathrooms and doorways._

_“Cas!” Dean’s voice made Cas turn to see him pushing his way through the crowd, with a woman behind him. “Ellen says she’s got a cellar that should be able to fit everyone.”_

_Cas nodded and let Ellen take charge as she called for everyone to calm down and follow her to the cellar door. Dean’s hand slipped into Cas’ and held tight. “It’ll be okay,” Cas said. Dean nodded, but Cas still saw worry in his eyes._

_Just as he and Dean were nearing the edge of the cellar door, a woman’s horrified shriek made Cas freeze. “Has anyone seen my daughter!?” she cried._

_Cas let go of Dean’s hand and moved over to the woman, who was spinning in circles as her wide eyes scanned the room for her missing child. “What’s her name?” Cas asked when he reached her._

_“Lily,” the woman replied._

_Cas turned back to where Dean was hovering by the cellar door. “Dean, can you see if she’s already made it into the cellar?”_

_Dean nodded and then disappeared down the stairs. Cas took the woman by the shoulders and began to lead her towards the cellar. “We’ll find her, don’t worry.”_

_Dean reappeared a moment later, looking defeated. “She’s not down there,” he said._

_The woman let out a terrified sob. “What if she got outside?! I have to go look!”_

_Cas dreaded to think what would have become of the child had she escaped out into the storm, but as the woman tried to move past him, he gently pushed her back towards the stairs. He fished his badge out of his pocket and flashed it at her. He was still technically on leave, but he didn’t feel completely dressed unless his badge was tucked into his pocket, and he_ was _still an officer of the law. “As a civilian, I can’t let you endanger yourself. If she’s out there, I’ll find her.”_

_“Cas, you can’t go out there alone!” Dean protested._

_“Tough,” Cas growled back._

_Dean’s hand clamped around Cas’ arm as Cas tried to turn towards the door. “I’m coming with you.”_

_“Dean-”_

_“Don’t try and stop me with that civilian bullshit, I’m coming,” Dean retorted before Cas could argue._

_“Dean if you get hurt, I’ll never forgive myself,” Cas said._

_“Yeah? Well if_ you _get hurt I’ll never forgive_ myself _,” Dean shot back. “You’re stuck with me, let’s go find that child before she wanders off a cliff or something.”_

_Cas resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Dean, there are no cliffs where we are.”_

_“Whatever, let’s just go,” Dean said as he headed towards the door._

_The storm was picking up, the lapses in silence between lightning strikes were growing shorter and the rain was falling so thickly that Cas could hardly see two feet in front of him. He was soaked to the skin the second he stepped outside and his hair plastered itself to his forehead, obscuring his vision, while wind whipped at him from every direction. It was taking all of Cas’ strength just to stay upright._

_Dean’s strong arms suddenly wrapped themselves around Cas’ waist and his voice sounded in his ears. “Come on! This way!”_

_Cas let Dean pull him against the side of the Roadhouse, using the minimal shelter that it provided to try and shield them from the wind. “Lily!” Cas shouted into the storm._

_“Lily!” Dean echoed._

_Cas squinted through the rain and strained to hear anything over the sound of thunder. “I can’t see her!” Cas shouted._

_“Come on!” Dean pulled Cas away from the Roadhouse and Cas briefly wondered if they should return inside and give up on the search, but his moral compass allowed Dean to bring him off towards the woods that bordered the parking lot._

_“Dean, being near trees is not a good idea if there’s a tornado!”_

_“I know, but Lily probably doesn’t know that!” Dean yelled over the downpour._

_Cas couldn’t argue with that, so he entered the treeline and continued to call out for the lost girl. “Lily!”_

_“Lily!”_

_During one of the quieter moments, Cas suddenly heard the sound of crying and he and Dean exchanged glances and picked up their pace, eyes searching through the branches of trees. Dean spotted her first, standing in a circle of trees, blond hair flattened against her head and mouth open in a desperate wail._

_“She must have gotten pushed outside when some of the customers fled!” Dean shouted._

_Cas nodded in agreement as he and Dean raced towards her, but as they drew closer, Cas’ foot snagged on a root and he lurched forwards, dragging Dean down with him. They rolled in the mud, and continued to roll until Cas realized that they’d stumbled over a hill. Pain sprouted from Cas’ shoulder as they slipped and slided, trying to find purchase on the rocks and roots that surrounded them. Finally, they came to a halt at the bottom of the hill, muddy and bruised, and a tangle of limbs._

_Dean was on top of Cas, his arms braced over Cas’ head. “I imagined this during different circumstances,” Dean said, eyes sparkling._

_Cas didn’t want to dive deeper into Dean’s ‘imagination’ because he had a few fantasies of his own, but right now all he could focus on was the blossoming pain in his left shoulder. “Dean, I think my shoulder is broken,” he grunted._

_The humor in Dean’s eyes turned to concern and he quickly scrambled off of Cas and helped him sit up. Dean’s hands pressed against Cas’ shoulder and Cas grunted when his fingers brushed against a sensitive area. “I don’t think it’s broken, just dislocated,” Dean replied. “I can pop it back in place if you want.”_

_Cas waited for the latest crash of thunder to rock the ground before he asked in surprise, “Do you know how to properly do that?”_

_Dean shrugged. “Sure, I’ve done it to Sam a few times, and myself. It’s not hard, but it hurts like a bitch.”_

_Cas resisted asking how Dean had learned to perform that kind of medical task, but he filed that question under ‘things to ask Dean later’ and nodded his assent. “Okay, do it.”_

_Dean placed his hands on either side of Cas’ shoulder and met his eyes through the rain, his eyelashes dripped with water and Cas found himself marveling at how the green of his irises stood out against the forest. “Okay on three,” Dean said, pulling Cas’ attention back to their situation. Cas braced himself as Dean began to count. “One, two-”_

_Cas let out a growl of pain as the sound of his shoulder slipping back into place popped in his ears. “You said on_ three _!” he protested._

_Dean shrugged. “So I lied, it’s better to pop it back in place when you’re not expecting it, that way the muscles are more relaxed.” Dean heaved Cas to his feet and then glanced back up at the hill they’d fallen down._

_“How are we supposed to get back up?” Cas asked, as he cradled his injured arm._

_“We climb,” Dean replied._

_Cas stared at Dean, incredulous. “There’s no way we’re going to make it up that way, it’s too slippery.”_

_“We’ve got to, there’s a stranded child up there,” Dean huffed as he began to ascend the hill. Cas couldn’t argue there, so he followed Dean._

_The climb was hard, especially with the throbbing of his shoulder, but he powered through it and Dean’s encouraging hand on his back allowed for him to push himself harder. When they finally reached the top, Cas’ eyes found the little girl still crying as she stumbled around the clearing._

_Dean rushed past Cas just as she began to toddle towards the edge of the hill. He scooped her up and held her close while Cas got to his feet. “Shh, it’s okay,” Dean was whispering as she sobbed._

_“Come on, let’s go,” Cas said as he joined Dean._

_They stumbled side by side back towards the Roadhouse and when they pushed their way into the cellar, Lily’s mother let out a sob of happiness when Dean delivered her daughter safely into her arms. When Cas sank to the floor, dripping and covered in mud, Dean hugged him close and pressed a kiss to the top of his head as the storm rumbled on._

_“Still up for that second date?” Dean asked in his ear._

_“Definitely.”_

“I don’t think I’d describe that as _horrendous_ ,” Dean said as he chewed his steak slowly. 

“I was in a sling for two months,” Cas retorted. 

“Yeah, the part where you dislocated your shoulder wasn’t great, but no one died and the tornado didn’t rip the Roadhouse to pieces, so I’d call that a win.” 

Cas shrugged but a grin was forcing its way onto his face. “I suppose you’re right.” 

Dean smiled cheekily as they traded glances over their dinners. Cas found himself captivated by Dean’s easy joking and whenever he looked at Cas, sometimes it was almost like he had his husband back. Cas dared to think that maybe everything _could_ go back to some version of normal. 

After they had dessert, which consisted of freshly baked pie - that Dean devoured in a few bites- they stood up to leave and Cas made sure to tell the waiter to send Kali their thanks before he and Dean headed back to the house. 

“I had a great time tonight,” Dean said as he paused at the split in the hallway where Cas would go one way and Dean would go the other.

“Me too,” Cas agreed. 

Cas watched with curiosity as Dean’s eyes fell to Cas’ lips for a brief moment. His heart pounded anxiously in his chest as Dean placed a hand on Cas’ shoulder and leaned forward. Cas’ eyes slipped shut on principle alone, but Dean’s lips grazed his cheek in a soft kiss and Cas felt disappointment weigh in his stomach. 

“Happy Anniversary,” Dean said quietly. 

When he pulled away and entered his room, Cas felt the ghost of his kiss burning against his cheek, and while his heart told him to call after Dean, to tell him to come to bed with him, he knew Dean wasn’t ready for that yet, and so he forced himself to return to his room alone. 

As he slid into bed, he couldn’t help but smile. He _had_ had a good time tonight, and whether he had his memories or not, Dean was still _Dean_ , he was still the man that Cas had married, and he wouldn’t want him any other way.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! I'm back! I had midterms this week so that's why this chapter is a bit late. But, good news, I am on a week long vacation now and so I'm hoping to find some time to write and give y'all a couple chapters! :)

Dean stared at the ceiling of the guest room and groaned. He should have just gone for it. Cas is his _husband_ , they're _married_ , he has a right to kiss him. It was clear that Cas wanted him to, hell Dean had even wanted to, but for some reason he’d felt like he couldn’t. 

With a sigh, Dean rolled over in bed just as his phone buzzed on the nightstand. He reached for it in the dark and squinted against the bright light of the screen as he brought it in front of his eyes. 

**From Charlie:**

**How’d it go?**

Dean rolled his eyes and typed out a reply.

**You Sent:**

**Good.**

**From Charlie:**

**Good? That’s all I get? Give me the juicy details!**

**You Sent:**

**There’s not much to tell. We had dinner, we talked, it was nice.**

**From Charlie:**

**Mhm, okayyyy, but there’s more isn’t there. What aren’t you telling me?**

_How did she know? How does she_ always _know?_

**You Sent:**

**I almost kissed him. There. Is that what you wanted?**

**From Charlie:**

**Ahhhhhhh!!!!! What do you mean almost!? Why didn’t you!?**

**You Sent:**

**I don’t know.**

**From Charlie:**

**That’s not a good enough answer.**

**You Sent:**

**I don’t want to talk about it right now. It’s late, I need to sleep.**

**From Charlie:**

**Ugh, fine. But this conversation is not over.**

**You Sent:**

**Goodnight Charlie.**

Dean set his phone down and shifted under the sheets. His brain was running at a mile a minute, conflicting feelings rushing through his mind with every passing second. He’d been putting it off for weeks, but he _did_ need to talk to someone, someone that wasn’t Charlie or Sam. 

****

Missouri wasn’t what Dean expected. He’d thought he was going to meet with some old gray haired woman with half moon glasses that would sit on the edge of her nose while the beads of her eyewear swung with every movement of her head. He had not intended on meeting with the intense middle aged woman that he was now sitting across from. He wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans and tried to relax as Missouri settled in her chair with a notebook on her lap.

“I must say, I’m surprised that you took Castiel’s advice,” she said. 

“You and me both,” Dean replied. 

“So, Dean, tell me what’s on your mind.” 

Dean sighed, that was a loaded invitation.

“I don’t even know where to begin.” 

“Boy, don’t avoid the question, _something_ brought you into my office, spill it,” Missouri replied sharply. Dean gaped at her, taken aback at her tone. Missouri only met his gaze. “If you’re not going to speak, close your mouth and stop staring, it’s impolite.” 

Dean’s mouth clicked shut and he swallowed hard. Gathering his nerve, he said, “This all just a lot.” 

“I’d imagine so.”

Dean licked his lips and leaned forward. “Everything is here,” he said as he tapped the side of his head, “I can feel it, it’s just… hidden.” 

“I’m afraid you may need to come to terms with the fact that your memories may stay that way,” Missouri replied. 

Dean nodded slowly. “I know, but I worry about Cas. He’s coping right now, but I can tell he’s still sad, and angry.” 

“Castiel is a grown man and he will adapt. Just as you have been.” 

“I almost kissed him last night,” Dean admitted as he stared at the cup of water that sat in front of him on the coffee table. 

“What stopped you?” Missouri asked as she wrote something down in her notebook. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Don’t lie to me,” Missouri snapped. 

Again surprised by the ability that Missouri seemingly had to read minds, Dean had to take a moment to collect his thoughts. “I guess I was scared.”

“Why?” 

The plain question threw Dean for another loop and he sputtered out “What?” in response.

Missouri pursed her lips. “Why were you scared, Dean?” 

Dean shrugged as he reached for his water glass, anxious to wet his rapidly drying mouth. “I was scared he’d reject me. Which is stupid, I know, because it was clear he wanted me to kiss him, and _I_ wanted to, I did, but I don’t know… something stopped me.” Admitting it so simply felt like a kick to the gut.

“Well then you need to figure out what that something is,” Missouri replied. 

“How do I do that?” 

“Who do I look like to you? I’m not a book filled with the answers to everything, I can’t tell you how to do something that only you are capable of figuring out.” 

Dean scrunched up his eyebrows in thought. She was right, he couldn’t rely on other people to tell him how to move forward, he had to learn for himself, like a baby taking its first steps. 

“We’re going to stop here for the day, Dean. I have another client in just a few minutes.” 

Dean nodded. “Okay, thank you for fitting me in.” 

“It was no problem.” Missouri stood up to bring him to the door, but she held him back before he could leave. “Come back again Dean, we’ve got a lot more to unpack here. Bring Castiel with you sometime, you two could benefit from a joint session with me.” 

_A joint session? That could be a good idea._

“Okay, thanks again.” 

When Dean entered the house he was surprised to find Cas sitting in the kitchen with a red-headed girl he didn’t recognize. “Dean, hi!” she exclaimed as he dropped his keys in the bowl on the counter.

“Umm, hi,” he replied in confusion with a quizzical look at Cas.

“Dean this is Anna,” Cas explained. “She lives down the block.” 

Anna grimaced slightly. “Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot that-” 

Dean waved a hand in the air to deter her from continuing her sentence. “That’s okay.” 

Anna looked from Dean to Cas and back again. “I should go.” 

“You don’t have to,” Dean said as he went to the fridge to find something to eat. 

“Esper will be home from school soon anyway, so I should be getting home,” Anna said. 

Dean shut the fridge, unsatisfied with its contents, and pulled open a cabinet where he located a pack of beef jerky that he eagerly opened. “Esper is your son?” Dean asked as he chewed on a piece of jerky and made his way to stand beside Cas who was still seated at the table. 

“Yes, he’s six, and growing fast, he looks more and more like Bart everyday,” Anna replied fondly. Cas stood up as Anna began to make her way to the door. “Well, it was lovely to see you, Dean!” 

Dean smiled and waved at her over his jerky. “Bye.”

“How was Missouri?” Cas asked once the door was shut. 

“She was… Missouri,” Dean replied. 

Cas laughed at that as he stuck his hand into the bag in Dean’s hand, retrieving his own piece of beef jerky. “Missouri is certainly something else, isn’t she?” 

“You can say that again,” Dean agreed. “She, uh, she wanted us to come and do a double session with her.”

Cas raised an eyebrow as he gnawed at the meat in his hand. “Really?” 

Dean shrugged. “Yeah. And I dunno Cas, I think it could be good for us.” 

Cas nodded slowly, taking his time chewing. “Maybe. I’ll think about it.” 

“Okay,” Dean replied as he stuffed his hand back into the bag for more jerky. 

Cas smirked in amusement at him. “It’s good to know that your eating habits weren’t affected by the accident.” 

Dean chuckled. “What are you trying to tell me, Cas? That I’m a pig?” 

“Pigs are actually very badly misinterpreted, they don’t eat as much as people seem to believe. I’d say you’re more of a tiger shark, eating anything and everything that’s put in your path.” 

Dean rolled his eyes, although he was smiling in laughter. “Gee thanks Cas.” 

Cas lunged forward and snatched the bag out of Dean’s hands, which made Dean let out a whine. “That’s enough of these, or you won’t have room for dinner.” 

“What are you, my mother?” 

“No, I’m your husband,” Cas replied, as if Dean’s question had been serious. 

“That’s almost worse,” Dean said. 

“It _is_ worse,” Cas affirmed. 

“Oh shut up,” Dean laughed as he made a move to try and get the bag back from Cas. Cas easily sidestepped him and moved around the counter to the cabinet where he placed the bag and promptly shut the cabinet door. Dean frowned at him and crossed his arms. “You exist just to hurt me, don’t you,” he pouted. 

“It’s my life’s mission,” Cas replied. “Now come on, let’s go watch some TV or something.” 

“Can we have popcorn?” Dean asked hopefully. 

“No.” 

“You’re no fun,” Dean whined. 

“I think you’ll find that I’m plenty fun.” 

“Yeah whatever,” Dean said as he followed Cas into the living room and onto the couch where Cas switched on the TV and leaned back. 

Dean let his arm rest across the back of the couch and when his stomach swirled slightly with doubt, he remembered that he had no reason to be scared so he forced it down and pulled Cas close. Cas came willingly, nestling against Dean’s shoulder, head resting on his chest. The warmth of Cas’ body beside his made Dean smile; he could get used to this.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter within a day? Yup, that's right! This is what vacation does to me! So, here, have some husbands being cute :)  
> Things are slowly getting better, and it will only get easier (and fluffier) from here!

“Come on, Cas, Missouri’s not going to bite,” Dean said. Cas fixed Dean with a stare, because he wasn’t too sure that was true and Dean bobbed his head from side to side as he thought about his statement. “Yeah, okay, I wouldn’t put it past her, but seriously, let’s go.” 

Cas hesitated, feet shifting on the pavement. “I’m just not sure about this.” 

“Why? What’s wrong?” Dean asked in confusion. 

In truth, Cas wasn’t sure he could handle what Dean might share. He was worried that even after these past few weeks, after they’d figured out how to live together again, and especially after Dean had begun to express attraction to him, that Dean would admit that it was all to make Cas feel better or because he wanted to relieve some of the tension. 

Cas shrugged, avoiding Dean’s eyes. “Nothing, it’s nothing.” 

Dean pouted at him. “Nah, you’re not fooling me, something’s going on. You should tell me before Missouri grills it out of you.” 

Cas sighed, shoulders heaving in defeat. He forced himself to look at Dean, catching his soothing green eyes as they sparkled in the gentle sunlight. “This is all real, right?” 

Dean’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean these past few weeks, you’re not faking it, right?” 

Cas swallowed hard as Dean’s eyes widened and he stepped forward, reaching for Cas’ hands. “Of course not! Cas, why would you think that?” 

“You’re just taking it all so well, and I thought… maybe you were just trying to make it less awkward between us.” 

“That couldn’t be further from the truth.” 

“You’re sure?” Cas asked, still unbelieving, it was too good to be true having Dean so close to normal again. 

Dean’s hands tightened in Cas’. “Yes, I’m sure. Now, come on, we clearly need this therapy session.” 

Hoping that he wouldn’t regret it, Cas could do nothing but let Dean pull him inside the building. 

****

Before Cas even went into the bar, he could hear the loud music from the band that was playing inside, and he felt the beat of the songs through the ground. The moment they entered the bar, he and Dean made their way to the counter and Dean promptly ordered them each a beer. 

“I’m glad Missouri told us to do this,” Dean said as he sipped his beer.

Cas nodded in agreement. “Me too.”

All in all, their therapy session hadn’t been horrible. Missouri had let them talk about adjusting to their new routine, Dean had shared how much he struggled to figure out if he wanted Cas or not, and Cas had revealed how scared he was and how that fear had caused him to push Dean away instead of hold him close like he should have, like he’s _finally_ doing now. 

Missouri had insisted that they should take a night for themselves, get out of the house, make some new memories instead of dwelling on the ones that Dean couldn't remember. Dean had taken the idea in stride and insisted that they go out for a drink, and so here they were. 

“Clarence!? Is that you!?” 

Meg’s voice made Cas look up from his beer. “Hello Meg,” he grinned. 

“And Dean!” Meg exclaimed. “Good to see you again!”

Dean looked from Cas to Meg and back again, clearly trying to figure out what he was missing. “Uh hi,” Dean replied skeptically. 

“I’m glad to see you’re up and around,” Meg said as she filled up a shot glass with bourbon. 

“Uh, thanks,” Dean replied, Cas could tell he was still confused. 

Meg clarified for him as she pushed the recently filled shot glass towards them. “The last time I saw Cas, he told me about your accident.” 

“Oh.” 

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to make you talk about your feelings,” Meg chuckled. “It seems like you two sorted things out anyway.” 

“We did, to a degree,” Cas replied. 

“It’s still touch and go,” Dean added. Cas met Dean’s eyes as Dean turned his attention towards him. “But we’re trying.” 

Cas smiled, a warm feeling was spreading through him and it definitely wasn’t the liquor. “Yeah, we’re trying.” 

Meg pretended to gag as she put another shot glass in front of Cas. “Well aren’t you two adorable.” Cas blushed and Meg’s devilish smirk grew. “I’ll come back in a minute,” she said as she slapped her hand down on the table while her eyes flickered to a customer that had just sat down on a bar stool, “you’ve been radio silent for weeks and I want a full update on everything I’ve missed.” 

“There’s not much to tell,” Cas shouted after her as she went over to the woman who was waiting to be served. 

“I take it I know Meg,” Dean said as soon as Meg was out of earshot. 

Cas hummed in confirmation. “We used to come here a lot.” 

Dean nodded. “I figured as much, considering we’re on a first name basis with the barista.” 

“Meg’s become a friend, of sorts,” Cas said, he raised his beer to his lips, as his shot glass was now in need of a refill. 

“Well, she seems… nice,” Dean said. 

Cas chuckled. “She takes a little while to warm up to, but you’ll get there.” Cas resisted adding the word ‘again’, because the first time that he and Dean had met Meg, Dean had hated her. Cas was certain now that it was just jealousy, considering that Meg had flirted endlessly with him until Dean finally snapped at her to ‘keep your hands off my husband’, but after a few months he’d softened a little and let Meg in on their conversations instead of ignoring her. 

Meg returned to refill their glasses and when there was a lull in the music she asked, “So, is there a reason you’ve been ignoring me?” 

Cas nearly choked on his whiskey shot. “Ignoring you?” 

“Yes, you haven’t been here in _weeks_ , I thought you’d died or something. I was practically beside myself with worry.” Meg added a dramatic sigh as she tipped her head towards the ceiling and clutched a hand to her chest. 

Cas rolled his eyes while Dean laughed. He knocked back his shot and set it back on the counter before replying. “You know you could have picked up the phone, right? I do believe you have my number.” 

Meg pursed her lips and poured another shot for him. “I didn’t want to intrude.”

Cas raised an eyebrow at her. “You? Not wanting to poke your nose in other people’s business? Who are you and what have you done with Meg?” 

Meg glared at him. “Oh shut up.” 

Cas shifted in his seat, hugging his beer closer to him while he used his other hand to play with the newly teeming shot glass. “We were just busy.” 

Meg’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline. “ _Busy_? Huh?” 

Dean laughed and leaned forward across the counter. “Not _that_ kind of busy, sweetheart.” 

“What a waste,” Meg replied as Dean extended his empty glass for a top off. 

“We’ve just been adjusting,” Cas said. 

He downed his shot and then flipped it over. Meg looked at him in surprise. “Calling it quits so early?” 

Cas let out a low chuckle as he held back a burp. “I think a few shots plus this beer is enough for me tonight.” 

Meg leaned on the counter and whispered to Dean. “I see he’s still got that stick up his ass.” 

Dean laughed, his head tilting back and his eyes shining. “He’s a police officer, they’ve all got sticks up their asses.” 

Cas frowned at them, instantly defensive. “That is not true.” 

“Yeah?” Dean asked, shot glass halfway to his lips which were tilted in a smirk. 

“There are plenty of good cops in my precinct,” Cas said as-a-matter-of-factly. 

“Yeah okay,” Dean replied. He kicked his shot back and then set it down on the table. “Whatever you say.” Even though he knew Dean was joking, he frowned at him anyway. Dean let Meg give him two more shots before he stood up when a song Cas recognized as _Old Time Rock and Roll_ began to play. “Come on, let’s dance,” Dean said. 

Cas’ hands tightened around his beer. “Dean, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

Dean rolled his eyes and slipped his hand into Cas’ tugging him out onto the dance floor. “Are you allergic to fun or something? Live a little!”

“I’m terrible at dancing!” Cas protested as Dean swung him around so that they were face to face. 

“You can’t be that bad,” Dean replied. 

“I am!” Cas insisted. “It took me _months_ just to learn our wedding dance, and even then I still tripped over my own feet, _four_ times.” 

Dean just laughed and began to move their arms forwards and backwards as he swayed to the music. “It’s easy, you just have to feel the rhythm in the song and move to it.” 

“I accepted a long time ago that I have no rhythm,” Cas said with a huff but he let Dean keep pushing and pulling at his arms. 

“Well then I’ll just have to show you what it feels like,” Dean said as he pulled Cas close and then spun him around with ease, gently skating his hands down Cas’ arms. Shivers went up Cas’ spine as Dean’s hands came to a stop on his wrists, and Dean began to move their arms together again as he swayed, causing Cas to move with him. 

Cas found himself smiling, and not because of the alcohol that was no doubt helping to put him in a good mood, but because it felt so nice to have Dean’s arms around him again. Dean worked easily with the music, his chest making constant pressure with Cas’ back, and Cas found himself falling into the warm atmosphere of the bar, the music pumping in his ears, the whiskey working its way through his liver, and the warmth of Dean’s hands on his skin. It felt like they were the only two people in the room, and Cas laughed. 

“What?” Dean asked in his ear, a smile clear in his voice. 

“Nothing, just, Missouri was right, about this,” Cas replied. 

“Missouri’s always right,” Dean said with a chuckle as the end of the song began to play in the last instrumental. 

Dean picked up the pace of their sway and Cas shut his eyes to the movement, until Dean unexpectedly swung him away and then pulled him close again, right as the last note of the song rang out in the bar. Dean’s face so close and their foreheads knocked together as they panted slightly from the exertion of dancing. Cas grinned up at him and their eyes locked. Dean’s eyes flickered down to look at Cas’ mouth and he watched Dean’s tongue dart out to wet his lips. Another song started up in the background, but Cas was too focused on Dean to care; his stomach tightened as he waited to see what Dean would do. 

After a moment of hesitation, Dean’s hand came up to cup the side of Cas’ face and Cas shut his eyes against the touch. When Dean leaned in, their lips met, and Cas instantly responded to it, deepening the kiss. Dean’s mouth opened willingly and Cas felt like he was a high schooler again, being kissed by his date at a dance. 

It felt like he hadn’t kissed Dean in _years_ , but even without his memories, Dean kissed like he’d never forgotten anything, like they were in love, and when they finally broke apart, breathless, Dean was grinning, his eyes bright, and Cas couldn’t help but grin back. 

“Been wanting to do that for a while,” Dean slurred over music, the alcohol was clearly starting to kick in. 

“Why didn’t you?” Cas asked as his hands gently moved across the back of Dean’s shirt.

“Dunno, ‘spose I’m a coward,” Dean replied. 

Cas shook his head and pulled Dean closer. “That’s not true.” 

Dean’s eyes were glassy as he began to slowly sway to the song that was playing. “I really love you, don’t I.” 

He didn’t say it like a question, and Cas felt something twist in his heart. “I think so, yes,” he replied, not fully sure what he was supposed to say.

“No, I mean I can _feel_ it,” Dean slurred as he tapped at his chest above his heart, “right here.” 

Tears unexpectedly pooled in his eyes and he smiled at Dean as one of the salty droplets slid down his cheek. “That’s good to hear, Dean.” 

Dean’s lips split in a drunken smile and Cas couldn’t resist pulling him back in for another kiss, working their mouths as the soft beat of the song filled the air, and just for a moment, it was like Dean’s accident never happened. Cas let the new memory imprint itself inside his mind and filed it under all the memories he had that were _good_. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm making good on that promise to fix things :) everything is really looking up for Dean and Cas. Enjoy this nice little time jump :)

***Two Months Later***

“We should go away,” Dean said as he looked up at Cas from where he was laying across his lap, letting his feet dangle off the side of the bed, _their_ bed. After their night in the bar a few months ago, Dean had found himself curled up drunkenly beside Cas, and he hadn’t gone back to the guest room since. 

“Go away?” Cas echoed. 

“Yeah, like a vacation,” Dean replied. 

“Where would we go?” Cas asked as one hand carded gently through Dean’s hair, Dean let his eyes slip shut at the feeling. 

“My Dad has this cabin, up in Virginia, and Sammy and I share it now.” 

“I know about the cabin, Dean,” Cas said with a small chuckle. 

“Oh,” Dean replied before cursing himself.

_Of course he knows, he’s my husband, we’ve probably been up there many times._

“We spent our honeymoon there,” Cas said fondly. 

Dean’s eyes shot open. “What!?”

Cas let out a low laugh and smiled down at Dean. “We didn’t want to go somewhere big, with lots of people, we just wanted it to be us.” 

“That settles it, we’re definitely taking a trip to the cabin, and you are going to tell me the story of our honeymoon,” he said as he jabbed a finger into Cas’ chest. 

“Fine,” Cas sighed. “But on one condition.” 

“What’s that?” 

“We fly. I do not want to be stuck in a three day long car ride, I suffered enough for our honeymoon.”

Dean’s stomach turned at the thought and he sat up. “Cas, I-” 

“I know, you don’t like flying,” Cas interrupted. 

“Right, I don’t, so why would you suggest it?” 

Cas rolled his eyes. “Dean, I’ll be right there with you, it’ll be okay.” 

“You don’t know that!” Dean protested. Fear was closing in on him just at the thought of flying in a metal tube. 

“Dean, you’re more likely to die in a…” Cas swallowed and then took a breath before continuing. “You’re more likely to die in a car accident, than a plane crash.” 

Dean let out a huff of air. Cas was right of course, and he _had_ already almost died in a car accident, but he’d avoided planes as much as he could so as not to give them the opportunity to off him. 

“I don’t know, Cas,” he said tentatively.

Cas crossed his arms and his eyes became hooded with a pout. “We fly or I’m not going.” 

Dean narrowed his eyes at him and frowned. “You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?” 

Cas’ pout turned into a smirk. “That’s partly why you married me.” 

Dean bit his lip to contain the laugh that wanted to escape from his mouth. “Oh shut up.” 

Cas grinned and Dean surged forward, pushing Cas back against the pillows on the bed and pressing their mouths together; it was the only way Dean knew to get that smug look off of Cas’ face. 

“When do we leave?” Dean asked when they finally came up for air. 

“A few days,” Cas replied. “I have to apply for time off of work.” 

Dean nodded. “Me too.” 

“Naomi isn’t going to like it,” Cas said as he pushed himself into a sitting position. “I only just got back last month.” 

Dean shrugged and resumed his previous position of laying across Cas’ lap. “Naomi can suck it, we’re going on this vacation, with or without her approval.” 

****

Three days later, Dean found himself sitting in an airplane seat with Cas pressed next to him as they waited for the plane to begin to taxi. Anxiety was fluttering in Dean’s stomach, his eyes were screwed tightly shut, and his chest rose and fell rapidly as he tried to calm himself down. 

“Dean,” Cas’ deep voice said beside him. 

Dean winked open an eye so he could see his husband. “What?” he snapped. 

“Relax, we haven’t even started moving yet,” Cas replied as he reached for Dean’s hand. 

Dean accepted Cas’ hand gratefully and Cas’ fingers squeezed around his. Dean knew he was being ridiculous, but he couldn’t stop the fear that was clawing at him. When the plane started up and began to back out of the gate, Dean’s head hit the back of his chair and he tried to focus on his breathing. Cas’ thumb was working a steady rhythm across the back of Dean’s hand and he let his mind zero in on that sensation, allowing it to ground him. 

When the whirring of the engines began to grow in volume, Dean’s hand tightened around Cas’. “Dean,” Cas said gently, close to his ear so he could hear him. “Dean, look at me.” Dean shook his head and kept his eyes shut. “Dean,” Cas said insistently. 

Dean felt Cas’ free hand move against his face, turning his head towards him. Dean opened his eyes to slits to glare at his husband, and just as the plane began to speed down the runway, Cas pulled Dean close and kissed him. Dean reacted on instinct and kissed back, letting his eyes fall shut again, and as the plane soared into the air, Dean forgot about the fact that he was inside a metal death machine that shouldn’t be able to fly. 

Cas was smiling softly at him when Dean opened his eyes. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Cas asked. 

Dean cleared his throat and looked around at the other passengers of the plane before his eyes landed back on Cas. “Uh, no, not really. It was pretty great, actually.” Cas’ eyes lit up with a laugh and Dean smiled in return. 

Dean was doing fine for the first hour of the flight, it was when they hit their first bump of turbulence that Dean scrambled for Cas’ hand again. Cas didn’t say anything and Dean was glad for it, he wasn’t in a talking kind of mood, he just wanted to feel the reassuring presence of his husbands hand in his. 

When the plane landed safely, Dean was out of his seat in a matter of seconds, reaching for the carry on bag he’d stored in the overhead compartment. Of course it was another good fifteen minutes before they were able to actually leave the plane, but standing up made Dean feel better, so he swayed in the aisle and fiddled with the handle of his duffel bag. 

Once they were off the plane, they took a taxi to a car rental place and packed themselves into a Ford escape. “I feel like a soccer mom,” Dean complained as he set them off in the direction of the cabin. 

Cas shrugged. “It’s not that bad.” 

Dean glared at Cas from the corner of his eye. “I feel like I’m betraying my Baby.” 

“What Baby doesn’t know won’t kill her,” Cas replied. 

“ _I’ll_ know, and if I know, Baby knows.” 

Cas fixed Dean with a stare. “Dean, you’re being childish. It’s just a car.” 

Dean’s eyes went wide and he swerved briefly in his lane in surprise. “Just a- how _dare_ you,” Dean gasped. “You’re never riding in Baby again.”

Cas rolled his eyes in amusement and turned his attention to the window. “My apologies.” 

Dean side eyed Cas again and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. “Don’t apologize to me, you can save it for when we get home.” 

“Dean, I’m not going to apologize to a car,” Cas replied indignantly. 

“Oh you will if you ever want to ride in her again,” Dean grunted back. 

Cas heaved a sigh and shook his head with a huff of laughter. “Fine.” 

Dean turned up the driveway that led to the cabin and brought the disgrace of a car to a stop. The cabin was just as Dean remembered it from his childhood. The thick logs that secured the shape of the cabin were spotted with patches of moss, the roof hung low, years of water damage and lack of care causing it to droop. The porch sagged and the windows were grimy with dust, clearly the last time anyone had been to the cabin was for his and Cas’ honeymoon. 

Dean hauled his duffel bag onto his shoulder and pulled the cabin’s key from his pocket before he stepped onto the rotting porch. “Man, I should fix this up,” he said as his foot grazed against a particularly sensitive part of wood, if he applied any more pressure his foot would go right through.

“You can do that later,” Cas said as he came up behind Dean. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s middle as he pressed a kiss to his neck.

“Can’t even wait until we’re inside, can you?” Dean chuckled as he spun in Cas’ arms to kiss him properly. 

“I’m impatient,” Cas replied with a grin against Dean’s mouth. 

Dean pulled away and moved towards the door to unlock the cabin. “Let’s save the fun for after we’re settled in,” he laughed. Cas huffed but followed Dean inside. 

The interior of the cabin looked a lot better than the outside. There was a wide living room, with a leather couch and hand carved wooden table that Dean’s father had made from an oak tree when Dean was a kid, and the floor was scattered with furs from various animals. The kitchen was to the right and Dean went to hook up the fridge so that it would be cold by the time he came back from town with some food, and Cas disappeared into the bedroom, which was off to the right of the kitchen, carrying both of their bags. 

When Dean finished with the fridge, he ran a hand over the counter and felt dust coat his fingers; everything needed a good wipe down, but that was a problem for tomorrow as was getting food. It was late, and Dean was exhausted from traveling, so he allowed his legs to carry him to the bedroom where Cas was waiting. 

Cas had torn the plastic protector -which had been keeping the bed safe from mice and rats while they’d been away- off of the bed and folded it neatly on the floor. He was now sitting against the headboard of the bed, arms folded while he waited for Dean to join him. Dean kicked off his shoes and crawled onto the bed, Cas came to meet him and Dean let himself get lost in the kiss as Cas’ hands roamed over his back. 

“We should get some rest,” Dean murmured against Cas’ lips. 

Cas blinked up at Dean through thick eyelashes, blue eyes radiant in the darkness of the room. “We should,” Cas replied in a low whisper. 

Dean shivered at the predatory look in Cas’ eyes and some of the tiredness seeped from him when Cas pushed Dean down onto the bed and climbed on top of him, pressing kisses to every part of Dean he could find; Dean let himself succumb to Cas’ lips. Something lit like a fire in Dean’s belly as a feeling he couldn’t shake came over him, _this was going to be a good weekend._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can look forward to Cas telling the story of their honeymoon in the next chapter ;)
> 
> Also, as an aside, I have decided how long I'm making this fic, and sadly we are nearing the end :'( but it's all fluff (and like, a TINY bit of pain) from here!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some cute husband fluff :)

Cas woke up to find the bed empty. With a yawn, he stretched and then got up to meander his way into the kitchen. The smell of bacon instantly hit his nose and when his eyes locked on Dean at the stove, flipping over sizzling strips of meat and tending to a pan of scrambled eggs, he smiled. 

Keeping the tread of his feet light, Cas snuck up behind Dean and let his hands find their way around his waist. “Good morning, Dean,” he said when Dean stiffened briefly against him. 

“Jeez Cas, you can’t sneak up on a guy like that,” Dean protested, his voice high in surprise. 

Cas grinned and kissed Dean’s cheek. “Sorry.”

Dean’s hand caught Cas’ wrist when he began to move away, and Cas let himself be roped in for a soft morning kiss before he found his way over to the coffee maker that was filled with life-giving black liquid. Cas searched through a cabinet and came up with a mug that was decorated with honey combs.

“You might want to rinse that out before you use it,” Dean said as he began to shovel eggs onto two plates.

A peek into the depths of the mug showed that he should take Dean’s advice, and once Cas had adequately scrubbed the mug of dirt, dust, and a spider that had crawled into its cold confines to die, he dried it off and then filled it with coffee.

“When did you go shopping?” he asked as he leaned against the counter to sip at his wake-up juice. 

“I got up early to go to the local store, they always have fresh picked eggs if you go early enough,” Dean replied. “It only took me about fifteen minutes to get what we needed.” 

“You know I would have gone with you,” Cas said. 

“I know, but you looked too peaceful to wake up,” Dean replied, a small smile danced across his lips as he handed Cas his plate. 

Cas still couldn’t believe that Dean had somehow managed to fall for him all over again, even without his memories.

“I love you.” The words came out of his mouth before he could stop them, and even though he knew that there was nothing wrong with saying them, this was the first time that he had said the words out loud since Dean’s accident. 

Dean only hesitated for a moment and his eyes widened slightly before a smile grew on his lips, touching his eyes. “I love you too.” 

“You mean it?” Cas asked, still slightly unbelieving that Dean could somehow fall in love with him _again_. 

Dean stepped closer to Cas, setting his plate down on the counter before gently taking Cas’ coffee and plate from his hands and placing them down on the counter as well. Dean’s hands slipped into Cas’ freed ones and his green eyes met Cas’ blue. “You’re seriously still doubting me? Of course I mean it, Cas,” he replied as he knocked their foreheads together and snaked his arms around Cas’ waist, pulling him close. 

Cas’ heart soared and he closed the expanse of space between them, drawing Dean in for a long, languid, kiss. “Thank you,” Cas breathed out against his husbands mouth. 

“For what?” Dean asked. 

“For staying.” 

Dean nodded and placed a quick kiss on Cas' lips. “You’re welcome.” 

Cas swallowed a ball that was rising in his throat. “I mean it,” he said, as if he had to clarify. “Even after I shut you out, after I pushed you away, you were always willing to try, even though it was hard for you. So, _thank you_.” 

Dean squeezed Cas’ hands and smiled at him. “You make it easy to _want_ to try, Cas.” After another quick kiss, Dean let go of Cas’ hands and turned his attention to their breakfast. “Now let’s eat, the food's getting cold.” 

After they’d eaten, Dean declared that he was heading outside to fix the front porch and Cas decided to go with him. Cas wasn't much of a handy-man but Dean accepted his help, which proved to be a grave mistake because after he had given a few futile attempts to pull up wood with the back of a hammer, nearly knocking himself out in the process, Dean insisted that he stop before he actually hurt himself. Cas sighed and resigned himself to watch Dean instead which, all in all, was not a boring alternative. 

Dean’s muscles rippled under his thin cotton t-shirt, sweat beaded at the back of his neck, catching in the short hairs that stood there. He paused to wipe at his brow and take a sip from a glass of water Cas had set out for him. When Dean turned to look at where Cas was perched in the doorway, his face was red and glistening with a sweaty sheen from the hot summer sun that was bearing down on the cabin. 

“Tell me the story of our honeymoon,” he demanded, out of nowhere. 

Cas gaped at him, slightly stunned by the sudden request. He regathered himself quickly. “Sure, if you want.” 

Dean nodded eagerly. “I do.”

Cas came out onto the partially dismantled porch and sat down beside Dean, tucking his legs under him so that he could settle in for the tale. “There’s not that much to tell really, but I’ll gloss over the highlights.” Dean leaned back on his hands and gave Cas his full attention, which Cas took as his cue to begin.

_“Dean, I don’t understand why we have to drive,” Cas grunted as he shifted in the front seat of Dean’s beloved Impala._

_“I hate flying, Cas, you know that,” Dean replied._

_Cas sighed. “I know, but I just don’t particularly enjoy being stuck in a car for hours on end.”_

_Dean shrugged and rolled down his window, letting the spring wind in to lap at his hair. “I dunno, the view is pretty nice.”_

_Cas scrunched his forehead in confusion as he stared out of his window at the dried grass and sun scorched fields that lay before him. “You find dead grass appealing?”_

_Dean laughed, it was a wonderful sound, a sound that Cas would never tire of hearing. Dean turned his head slightly, taking his eyes off the road for just a second so that their eyes could meet. “No you dumbass. You’re the view, Cas. Not some dried out fields, you.”_

_Cas blushed, ducking his head to fiddle with the new and shiny wedding band that encircled his left ring finger. “Oh,” he said softly._

_Dean reached out for Cas’ hand and Cas let him entangle their fingers. “I love you,” Dean said over the wind that gusted through Dean’s open window._

_“I love you too,” Cas replied with a smile._

_****_

_“Sam said he came a week ago to clean up the cabin for us,” Dean said once he’d put the car in park. “So everything should be ship shape.”_

_“That was very kind of him,” Cas replied as he pushed open his door, relishing in the squeak of the old hinges._

_“I haven’t been here in years,” Dean said fondly as they began to walk up to the front door._

_“I think it’s beautiful,” Cas said as his eyes took in the green trees that swayed in the gentle wind, leaves tangling softly together as their branches collided briefly in a quiet clatter._

_“Yeah, me too,” Dean replied._

_Cas looked back at him to see that Dean wasn’t staring at the cabin, or the trees, he was looking at Cas. The light in his eyes was intoxicating and Cas felt obligated to smile at his husband._

_“Would you stop it,” he said with a laugh as he shoved at Dean._

_Dean dodged his attempt to push him, leaping back with a cry laughter. “Missed me,” he taunted._

_Cas lunged forward again, trying to grab at Dean, but his agile husband moved away from him, hopping backwards as his green eyes gleamed with playfulness. Cas’ expression hardened into one that could only be described as predatory, and he once again pursued Dean. The next time Dean tried to escape him, Cas anticipated his movements and caught him by the wrist, he tugged Dean close, only to shove him backwards. Dean's back hit the side of the cabin and let out a small gasp as Cas’ hands slipped into his hair so that he could drag Dean into a lengthy kiss._

_When Cas released him, Dean’s hand slipped into Cas’ and he tugged him towards the cabin door; their bags, that still sat in the trunk of the Impala, lay forgotten and when the door swung open, Cas moved to step through the doorway, but Dean tugged him back. “Dean, wha-”_

_Cas’ question was cut off by the unexpected feeling of his stomach dropping as his feet were pulled out from under him. Cas grasped at Dean’s neck as Dean hiked him further into his arms. “We’re doing this right,” Dean said as Cas stared at him in amusement, understanding finally registering in his brain. Dean stepped over the threshold of the cabin and then placed a kiss on Cas’ lips. “Welcome home, babe.”_

_Cas laughed, it was a laugh filled with love, surprise, and just a little bit of mirth. “You can put me down now,” he said._

_Dean’s feet moved towards the couch and he plopped Cas down onto the leather, only giving Cas a moment to adjust before Dean was crawling over him, lips pressing against his mouth, cheeks, chest, everything. Dean’s hands skated across his skin and slipped under his shirt and Cas moaned into Dean’s mouth, which caused Dean to grin._

_“Bedroom?” Cas gasped out._

_Dean’s response was to pull Cas to his feet, still somehow managing to keep them joined at the lips, and guided them through the cabin into the bedroom, where Cas quickly pushed Dean onto the mattress. Seeing Dean, green eyes filled with anticipation, hair mussed up from Cas’ fingers, chest already rising and falling from exertion, Cas smiled. When their mouths collided again, Cas felt his heart bump against his chest in a flutter of what could only be described as love. Dean was the love of his life, Dean was the man he was going to spend the rest of his life with; for better or for worse._

“After that first day, we just hung around, we went to the lake and took a few moonlit walks in the woods. It wasn’t much, but it was perfect,” Cas said as he finished the story.

“Aw come on,” Dean protested. “You’re going to leave out our hot steamy honeymoon sex?” 

Cas chuckled at the whine in Dean’s voice. “Who needs to tell you about it, when we can just recreate it.” 

Dean’s eyebrows shot up and he smirked at Cas. “Is that an invitation?” 

Cas shrugged, playful nonchalance seeping into his features. “It’s whatever you want it to be.” 

Dean closed the space between them quickly, lips finding Cas’ like a magnet. Cas let out a low chuckle at the hunger in Dean’s movements. He was glad that he’d agreed to let Dean take them out for a vacation. They deserved something good after everything they’d been through, and a trip to this cabin, telling Dean about their first night as husbands, it was exactly what Cas had needed. Dean strong and sturdy beside him, Dean with his intense green eyes, Dean with his movements that seemed drunk with the urgency of love, Dean wreathing around him in the protected seclusion of the cabin, lips finding purpose with every press against skin, Cas couldn’t imagine anything better.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I uploaded two chapters in one day, so?

***Three Days Later***

Dean stepped back from the porch with satisfaction. New planks of wood, that Dean had bought from the shop a few miles down the road, were implicated perfectly where the rotten wood had eaten away. The porch looked pristine and out of place in the company of the wilderness, but Dean knew that with time it would look like the rest of the cabin. 

“Care for a drink?” Cas asked from the doorway as he held up a glass of bright yellow liquid. 

“Lemonade?” Dean said with a chuckle. 

Cas shrugged, his teeth showed through a gummy smile. “Yeah.” 

“That is incredibly domestic of you,” Dean said as he held out his hand for the glass. 

Their fingers brushed together as the glass passed from Cas’ hand to Dean’s. “You looked like you could use a pick me up.” 

“I could use a beer, but I’ll settle for the lemonade,” Dean replied.

“What I’m about to suggest requires you to be sober,” Cas said. 

Dean crooked an eyebrow as he took a sip from the glass. “And what’s that?” 

Cas took a step closer to Dean, eyes glowing with mischief. “I was thinking we could head down to the lake.” 

“And do what?” Dean asked, his mouth twitched in a smirk. 

“We pack a lunch, have a picnic, do some swimming,” Cas replied as he finally came close enough to Dean that Dean could feel the heat radiating off of him. 

“Sounds fun,” Dean said as his eyes flickered to Cas’ mouth. 

“If you make the sandwiches I’ll get the sunscreen and towels.” 

Dean smiled and kissed Cas quickly before slipping past him into the cabin. “I’m on it.” 

Cas followed him in and while Dean began to put together some ham and cheese sandwiches, Cas moved around collecting towels and sunscreen. When Dean had placed the sandwiches in a basket and tossed in some cookies and a jar of lemonade with some water bottles, he left the basket by the door and went to change into his swimsuit. 

Cas was standing in the room, his bare back was stark against the dark contrast of the room and the brightness of his yellow swim trunks, he was holding a bottle of sunscreen and was busy lathering the creamy substance over his arms. 

“Need some help with that?” Dean asked. 

Cas startled at his voice, but his surprise turned into a smile. “Why don’t you get changed first and then you can help me with my back,” Cas replied. 

“Only if you return the favor.” 

“Of course, Dean.” 

Dean stripped off his shirt and pants and fumbled in his duffel bag for his blue bathing suit. He was conscious of Cas’ eyes on him the whole time and a few months ago, he would have blushed at the attention, but now he just smiled.

“See something you like?” he asked when he turned around, triumphantly holding his bathing suit. 

“Yes,” Cas replied, his eyes hungrily scanning over Dean’s bare skin. “Maybe we should forgo the bathing suits,” he suggested. 

“Mmm, I’d love to Cas, I would, but I don’t want to be cleaning sand out of my ass for the foreseeable future,” Dean replied as he stepped into the shorts. 

“How unfortunate that sand has to exist,” Cas huffed as Dean pulled them up around his waist. 

“Find me a sandless beach and I’ll lose the trunks,” Dean replied as he pulled the sunscreen bottle out of Cas’ hands and spun him around so that he could have access to his back. 

“I’ll get right on that,” Cas hummed as Dean’s hands moved across his skin. 

When Dean was finished, Cas took the bottle back from Dean and began to work his fingers along Dean’s shoulder blades and down to his lower back. Dean shut his eyes at the sensation, Cas’ fingers were like magic.

“Cas, you should give up being an officer of the law and become a masseuse.” 

Cas let out a low chuckle at Dean’s suggestion. “I’ll take that into consideration.”

Cas declared Dean done, far too quickly for his liking, and then Dean stole the sunscreen back from him to lather up the rest of his body. Once Dean was appropriately sunscreened-up Cas tossed him a towel and they headed out into the woods. 

The walk to the small lake wasn’t far. There was a clear path that was cut out from when Dean’s father had taken him and Sam down to swim when they were kids, and whenever Dean or Sam came back to the cabin, they would clear the path again to make sure that it wasn’t overgrown. The sun was shining brightly down on them and Dean could already feel sweat sliding down his back.

“It’s a beautiful day,” Cas commented as they walked. 

“Mmm,” Dean hummed in agreement. His free hand closed the gap between them and even though both of their hands were sweaty, Cas didn’t pull away, he just latched onto Dean and let their clasped hands sway between them. 

When the roots under their feet turned into soft sand, Dean knew they’d reached the ravine that dipped down into the secluded lake, which was being fed by a river that trickled swiftly along rocks and pebbles which technically made it a river but the mass of water was big enough to be a lake, so that’s what Dean’s father had called it and so that’s what Dean called it. 

The ravine was sandy and dotted with a few rocks, as was the beach that they came upon. The lake was surrounded by rock faces that could be jumped from into the deep water below, an old rope was tied to a tree that swayed over the lake and Dean had fond memories of helping his father secure that rope onto one of the branches while Sam watched with wide eyes. 

Cas skipped down the ravine, dragging Dean with him until he came to a stop beside the water where he spread out a blanket and plopped down on the soft material. “Should we swim and then eat?” Cas asked. 

Dean placed the picnic basket in the middle of the blanket and sat down beside Cas. “I could definitely go for a swim right now.” 

“Swimming it is,” Cas said as he kissed Dean and then stood up to splash into the waiting water. 

Dean followed Cas into the refreshing water and before Cas could register what was happening, he pounced, pulling both of them underwater. They surfaced, spluttering and laughing. Cas flicked water in his face.

“That was very rude of you, Dean.” 

Dean grinned at him as Cas tried to get him with another splash of water, Dean avoided it by kicking out with his legs and swimming away. “Come and get me!” he taunted as he paused to tread water. Cas pushed off towards him, determination in his eyes, and Dean ducked under the water, enjoying the feeling of the glassy sheen sliding over his skin and soaking his hair. 

They chased each other around the lake until they grew tired and Cas suggested they return to shore and eat. Dean’s stomach growled at the idea and so he kicked out towards shore and dried off with his towel before opening the picnic basket.

“Would you like ham and cheese or ham and cheese?” Dean asked as he pulled out their sandwiches. 

Cas’ mouth turned downwards in thought and he tilted his eyes up to the sky as he drummed a finger against his chin. “That’s a hard decision, Dean.” 

“I know,” Dean replied seriously. 

“I think I’m going to have to go with… ham and cheese.” 

Dean nodded and handed over a sandwich. “That’s a wise choice.” 

They stared at each other for a moment before they burst out laughing and when Cas blinked at him through the curtain of his dripping bangs, a smile was tight on his lips, and Dean couldn’t resist pulling Cas in for a wet kiss. After Dean had manned up and kissed Cas in the bar, he couldn’t get enough of Cas’ mouth, he could spend hours kissing his husband, letting the sparks fly between them as they worked to continuously fan the flames inside his chest. 

They ate in silence, enjoying the taste of food and the warmth of the sun as it dried their wet skin. After lunch, Dean stretched out on the blanket and shut his eyes against the sun. Cas snuggled up next to him and Dean wrapped his arms around Cas to pull him closer. 

Dean didn’t know how long they dozed, but when their stomachs had settled and Dean felt like he was in need of more sunscreen, he sat up, dislodging Cas, and began to make his way to the path that led up to a large boulder that Dean liked to jump from into the water. 

“Where are you going!?” Cas called after him. 

“Back in the water!” Dean shouted back. 

Dean could see Cas’ head tilt to the side in confusion and he shook his head with amusement as he walked up the familiar path to the jump off point. He stepped onto the rock and then looked back at Cas, who was still watching him. The rock tilted down towards the water and Dean backed up to get a running start. 

The second Dean’s feet hit the rockface, his stomach jerked in surprise as his feet slipped out from underneath him. Pain sparked at the back of his head as he fell, and he barely registered his body falling off the side of the boulder before his breath was knocked from him and he landed with a _smack_ in the waiting water below; his eyes slipped shut to be claimed by darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How we feeling about that (pun intended) cliffhanger? I'm sure some of y'all can see where this is going, but I will still neither confirm nor deny anything you say ;)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter! :(

Cas watched with amusement as Dean surveyed the boulder and then backed up in what was clearly the beginning of a runup. The second that Cas saw Dean slip and heard the crack of his skull hitting the rock, he was on his feet, terror surging through him as he watched Dean’s limp body slid off of the boulder and into the water. 

“Dean!” Cas screamed as he raced towards the water, only pausing to take a breath before diving into its depths. 

He pushed through the water, panic fueling his movements. Dean hadn’t surfaced yet, which could only mean that he was knocked unconscious. Cas tried to control the fear that was pulsing through his body in the rapid beating of his heart as he took a deep breath and submersed himself under the water. He forced his eyes open to search for his husband, scanning the depths of the lake until his lungs screamed at him for air. He surfaced time and time again, gasping in air and then plunging back into the water. Dean was running out of time, he had to find him soon or it would be too late. 

Just as Cas was about to pull up for more air, his eyes caught the blue of what could only be Dean’s swim trunks. Ignoring the whine of his lungs as it begged him for life-giving oxygen, Cas kicked out towards his husband, who was drifting in the water, bubbles slowly slipping from his mouth. Cas’ arms hooked under Dean’s armpits and he propelled them both towards the surface. When he gasped in air, he started to drag Dean towards the shore. His muscles ached and his chest was heaving from exertion, but he finally managed to get Dean onto the sandy shore. 

“Dean!” Cas shouted as he shook Dean by the shoulders. Dean’s head lolled to the side and water dribbled out of his mouth, but he didn’t wake up.

Cas pressed his head to Dean’s chest and fear pulsated through him when silence greeted him. “Dean!” he screamed as he shook him again, tears beginning to clog his eyes. 

Steeling himself, Cas took a deep breath and positioned his hands over Dean’s chest, his police training kicking in as he started CPR.

“Come on Dean, please! Don’t do this to me, you can’t do this, not after everything, please!” he cried as he pumped his hands down against Dean’s chest cavity. He counted to thirty and then tilted Dean’s chin back so he could breathe into his mouth. 

_Thirty pumps. Two breaths._

_Thirty pumps. Two breaths._

_Thirty pumps. Two breaths._

Cas recited the mantra in his head as he tried to stave off the rising panic that was gathering in his chest. He didn’t know how many minutes had passed but just as Cas was moving over to press his lips against Dean’s again, Dean coughed and turned on his side to throw up a large mouthful of water. 

“Dean?” Cas asked in relief as he reached for his husband, but Dean fell back onto the sand with a limp flop and Cas realized that he was still unconscious. 

Now that Dean was breathing, Cas noticed the blood. In his rush to bring him back to life, he’d forgotten that Dean had hit his head going into the water. The sand was slick with thick red blood and Cas had to force the bile in his throat back down. He’d seen worse than this before on his many day patrols, but it was different when it was someone he cared about. 

Cas reached for a towel and quickly pressed it against the wound. _Head wounds bleed a lot. Head wounds bleed a lot._ He told himself as he dabbed away at some of the blood clotting against Dean’s hair. After a minute, he was able to see the gash that had torn its way through the supple skin of Dean’s scalp. It was deep, deep enough for fresh worry to spread through Cas’ body. Dean needed a hospital. 

He tried to keep his hands from shaking as he worked to tie the towel around Dean’s head in an attempt to keep pressure on the wound. Summoning his remaining strength, Cas heaved Dean into his arms and began to stumble up the ravine and onto the path that would take him back to the cabin. Dean was heavy, like dead weight against his shoulder, but Cas’ fear of losing his husband again gave him newfound strength to push forward. 

Cas almost tripped a few times on various different roots, but he finally reached the cabin and he staggered towards the Ford escape that sat in the driveway. He pulled at the backseat door and carefully placed Dean inside, tucking his legs inside the vehicle before he shut the door. He ran inside for the keys and just barely remembered to slip on some shoes and grab a shirt from the hook by the door. When he slid into the driver’s seat he expertly backed out of the driveway and sent the pedal towards the floor. 

Years of driving behind the wheel of a cop car gave him the advantage he needed to be able to maneuver around cars on the highway. He didn’t care if a Virginia cop began to tail him, Dean was his priority, he would deal with any other repercussions later. He glanced in the rearview mirror every now and then to check on Dean, and once he caught sight of his chest rising and falling as he breathed, he relaxed slightly. 

To Cas’ surprise, he reached the hospital without incident and he pulled up right next to the front door, not even bothering to put his hazard lights on, he yanked open the backdoor and pulled Dean back into his arms. Dean shifted but didn’t wake up, and Cas set his feet in the direction of the hospital doors. He burst through them, aware that his hair was damp and wild and that blood covered his hands and was dripping down his back from where Dean’s head rested against his shoulder. 

“Help! I need help!” he cried. 

Immediately, a set of nurses rushed towards him and a gurney appeared out of nowhere. The nurses helped him lower Dean down onto the gurney and then they were pulling Dean away from Cas and a nurse was guiding him towards a chair where she began to ask him questions. 

“Sir, can you please tell me what happened?” she asked kindly. 

Cas’ body felt numb and Dean’s blood was sticky on his hands but he forced himself to take a few breaths as he met the nurses’ eyes. “We were swimming,” he began. “Dean went to jump off a rock into the water, but he… he slipped and hit his head. I-I had to resuscitate him.” 

The nurse nodded as she jotted down Cas’ words on a piece of paper. “His name is Dean?” 

“Yes,” Cas replied shakily. “Dean Winchester, he’s…” Cas paused as tears built up in his eyes. “He’s my husband, please, you have to help him.” 

“We’re going to do everything we can,” the nurse promised. “Just sit tight, your husband is in good hands.”

After Cas had properly parked his car and filled out endless amounts of paperwork concerning Dean’s medical history, he’d gotten himself a coffee and put on the shirt he’d managed to snatch from the cabin. It seemed like every minute was an hour, and Cas fiddled with the coffee cup in his hands as he paced the length of the waiting room. 

Finally, a nurse called out his name. “Mr. Winchester?” 

Cas perked up and practically ran over to where the nurse was standing. “Is he alright?” he asked as soon as he stopped in front of her. 

The nurse nodded. “He’s stable. You can see him now.” 

Cas didn’t need to be told twice, he followed the nurse down the long hospital hallway, past room after room until they stopped outside of what could only be Dean’s. Cas stepped into the room and was immediately confronted with a sense of deja vu, like he was transported back to the day of Dean’s accident. Dean looked so small in the hospital bed. His head was wrapped with thick gauze and his heartbeat pumped steadily through the beeping of a machine. The sight was so achingly familiar to the first time Cas had seen him after the car crash, that he had to actually force himself to move closer to Dean’s bed. 

His voice sounded gruff and winded when he asked, “Is he going to be okay?” 

“He took in a lot of water and he has a very severe concussion, but it’s nothing that a good couple weeks of rest won’t fix,” the nurse replied.

“When will he wake up?” he dared to ask. He was afraid of getting the same answers as he had before: ‘we don’t know’ or ‘we can only hope for the best’ and the typical ‘he’s fighting very hard’. 

“Any minute now,” she reassured him.

The nurse's response was enough for Cas to feel hope flicker in his chest.

Cas sat down in the chair beside Dean’s bed and reached out for his hand. He fiddled with the wedding band on Dean’s finger and relished in the warmth that pumped from Dean’s skin, reassuring Cas that Dean’s heart was doing its job. 

“I’ll leave you two alone,” the nurse said with a kind smile. 

“Thank you,” Cas replied. He turned back to Dean and planted a kiss on the back of his hand. He watched the heart monitor blip as it staccatoed with each beat of Dean’s heart.

A few minutes passed, and Cas began to wonder if the nurse had been lying to him about Dean waking up, but then, Dean’s fingers curled around Cas and Cas’ head shot up to Dean’s face, where green eyes were blinking back at him, bright and alive. Something else shimmered in the green depths of his husbands eyes that Cas couldn’t quite place, but he didn’t let himself care. Dean was smiling at him. 

“Heya Cas, miss me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I have already written the last chapter, and because I'm such a saint I'm going to let you guys choose if you want me to upload it today or wait another day for it. It's in your hands.
> 
> Update: I posted it.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all asked, and so you shall receive.  
> This is it guys, the very last chapter :(

_Dean sent off a last text message to Sam, promising that he would meet him for dinner later that week and then he fumbled to put his phone back in his pocket. He ducked his head down so he could find the pocket of his coat, and it was at that moment when he collided with something solid. It only took him a second to realize that he’d just run into a person._

_Dean reeled back in surprise and when he registered that the man, who was dressed in a tan trench coat, was wiping at spilled coffee, the reality of what he had done hit him like a ton of bricks._

_“Shit, I am so sorry!” he exclaimed, embarrassment already rising on his cheeks._

_The man didn’t look at him right away, he just kept swiping absently at the hot liquid that was steaming off of his skin, but when he finally raised his head, he felt his heart skip a beat. The man’s eyes were the most amazing thing Dean’s sight had been graced with. They were blue. Incredibly, beautifully, stunningly_ blue _. Dean was almost tempted to look up at the sky just to make sure it was still there because he was almost one hundred percent certain that the man in front of him had stolen it to put in his eyes._

_“Uh,” the man finally spoke and Dean’s ears were instantly enraptured by how deep this man’s voice was. “That’s okay, you’re not the only one that’s at fault. I didn’t see you either.”_

_Dean had to stop looking at him, he felt like he was staring and he didn’t want to make this anymore awkward by keeping eye contact for longer than he should. He shifted his feet and glanced towards the coffee shop he’d been about to go into. “Let me buy you a new drink,” he offered as he started to head towards the door._

_He didn’t get far before a hand was tugging at the cuff of his leather jacket. “That’s okay, the line is really long and I’m already late for work,” the man said._

_Dean scratched idly at the back of his head as he glanced wearily at the coffee shop and then back at the man. “Well, you’ve got to let me make it up to you some other time, then.”_

_The man nodded. “Sure.”_

_Dean smiled and held out his hand, feeling that this situation required pleasantries. “I’m Dean by the way.”_

_The man took his hand. “Castiel.”_

_Dean stared at him, surprise and laughter fighting for dominance in his body, he settled on laughter. “Castiel? Sorry man, but what kind of name is that?”_

_“I’m named after an angel, my mother was a very religious woman. Now, if you’d excuse me, I really do need to be going.”_

_“Yes, sorry, of course,” Dean replied as he took a step backwards. “Again, I’m really sorry.”_

_Castiel waved a hand in Dean’s direction as he turned away. “Don’t worry about it.”_

_Dean’s eyes tracked Castiel’s movements as he went over to a black police vehicle and he couldn’t help but gasp when he realized that it was Castiel’s. “I bumped into an officer of the law!” he spluttered._

_Castiel smirked at him, eyes playful. “Yes, you did, so you better be a law abiding citizen.”_

_Before Dean could say anything in the form of a response, Castiel was getting into his car and Dean was left standing awkwardly on the sidewalk. Shaking his head, he turned back towards_ Angel’s Halo _and pushed his way inside. The moment he set foot into the coffee shop he realized just how long of a line Castiel had been talking about and he quickly retreated, not wanting to wait thirty minutes for a cup of coffee he could just make himself._

_Throughout the rest of the day, Dean couldn’t get the memory of Castiel’s startling blue eyes from his mind, and he felt his heart flutter with the hope that he might get to see him again._

_****_

_So their first date didn’t go as planned, but Dean had high hopes for their second date. With the help of Charlie (even though he didn’t need her help she insisted on participating in the set up) Dean had laid out a candle lit dinner for two in his apartment and had a few movie options circulating on his TV for after dinner._

_“I’m just so excited that you finally have a date!” Charlie exclaimed when Dean had asked her why she was so invested in helping him._

_“I had a date with him last week and you weren’t like this,” he replied._

_“That’s because your dates don’t usually exceed more than one go around!” Charlie said as she grinned at him._

_Dean rolled his eyes as he ushered her towards the door. “Alright, you can leave now, he’ll be here any minute.”_

_Charlie beamed at him as he made to shut the door. “Good luck!”_

_Charlie had been gone for only about two minutes before there was a rap on his door. Dean swung it open to find Cas, dressed in a white button down shirt with a blue tie hanging slightly askew on his neck, Dean was sure that the reason for the tie’s state was because Cas was still in a sling, and Dean’s fingers itched to straighten it, but he resisted._

_“Hi,” Dean greeted._

_“Hello Dean,” Cas replied._

_Dean stepped aside and swung the door open wider. “Please, come in.”_

_Cas stepped inside with a smile. “It smells very pleasant in here.”_

_Dean resisted the urge to shake his head, Cas spoke very plainly sometimes but Dean found it endearing. “I made roast chicken, with potatoes and green beans.”_

_Cas’ interest piqued at Dean’s words. “You cook?”_

_Dean chuckled as he rubbed at the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah.”_

_“That’s very impressive. I must say, I am not skilled in the culinary arts.”_

_“Well, that’s what you have me for,” Dean replied with a grin as he gestured for Cas to sit down. Cas let Dean get the chair for him and then Dean sat down opposite him at the table. He served up their dinner and then poured them each a glass of wine. “I’m hoping this date will go better than our last one.”_

_Cas smiled warmly at him as he raised his wine glass to his lips. “It already is.”_

_Later that night, as they were halfway through Raiders of the Lost Ark, Dean pressed a soft kiss to the top of Cas’ head and Cas stirred at the sensation. Dean looked down to see blue eyes blinking softly up at him, shining with a small sheen of alcohol. In a burst of bravery, Dean inched closer and their lips met._

_It was chaste at first, but then Cas opened up to Dean and they were moving together, as if they were made for each other, as if they were two pieces suddenly made whole. It was then that Dean realized Cas was it for him, Cas was the one._

_****_

_“Dean, you’ll be fine,” Sam said as he brushed his hand against Dean’s shoulder, dusting off his black suit._

_“What if he suddenly decides he doesn’t want to marry me?” Dean asked in a spurt of anxiety._

_“Dean, he’s in love with you, anyone can see it, he’s not going to back out of the wedding,” Sam replied._

_Dean forced himself to take a deep breath as he straightened his bowtie in the mirror. “Okay, I’m ready. I’m ready.”_

_Sam nodded and clapped Dean on the back. “Alright, let’s go.”_

_Dean took the lead out of the room and headed into the church. He spotted Charlie sitting in the front row, he saw Ellen and Jo sitting behind her, and his old friends from high school Benny and Garth. Warmth spread through him at the thought that all of these people were here to support him and Cas._

_The second that the doors of the church opened and Cas walked through, all of the air went out of Dean’s lungs. Cas was the most wonderful thing Dean had ever laid his eyes on. His dark hair was combed down neatly and parted at the side, his blue eyes shined with happiness, and his suit -that matched Dean’s, save the white bowtie instead of black- fit tightly to his muscular frame. When Dean reached out to take Cas’ hands he gave them a reassuring squeeze and Cas squeezed back._

_The priest went through the vows and when Dean met Cas’ blue eyes, letting the oceans of them fill him up, he smiled as he said, “I do.” When Cas echoed Dean, he pulled Cas close and let their mouths fit together like two pieces of a puzzle._

_****_

_“Hey babe!” Dean called up the stairs as he fiddled with a set of car keys that were not the familiar metal of his Baby’s._

_“Yes, Dean?” Cas asked as he appeared at the top of the stairs._

_“Can I borrow your car for today? Baby’s got some kind of rattling noise going on and I need to figure out what it is, but I didn’t have time last night.”_

_Cas smiled and nodded. “Of course.”_

_Dean beamed at him. “Great, thanks!”_

_Cas came down the stairs, only half dressed in the black t-shirt that he wore under his police uniform and boxers. “Goodbye Dean,” Cas said as he pulled Dean’s face close and pressed a soft kiss to his lips._

_“Bye,” he said as he forced himself to back away when every bone in his body was screaming at him to take Cas back upstairs to the bedroom._

_“Drive safe!” Cas yelled after him._

_Dean spun on his heel to grin at him and he tipped a finger against his head in a salute. “Yes sir, officer.”_

_Dean hummed to the song on the radio and his fingers drummed a beat against the steering wheel as he waited for the light to turn green. When the stoplight clicked from red to green, Dean pressed his foot to the gas; it was odd, he was so unused to the feeling of Cas’ car around him instead of the steady rumble of his Baby whenever he hit the accelerator._

_Out of his peripheral vision, Dean saw the truck, but he didn’t have any way to avoid it. There was a fleeting moment of fear that Dean tried to grasp at before his body was jerked forward. His head collided with the steering wheel first, before it was pushed backwards to hit the back of his seat. Stars fluttered in his eyes, and pain registered in his right arm, just before his head smacked into the window. The last thing he was consciously able to register, was the wetness of warm blood as it made its way down the side of his head._

Dean blinked into the waking world, his eyes took a minute to adjust but once they did he took in the white hospital sheets, the beeping heart monitor, and the hand grasping his. It was just like when he woke up after his accident, almost exactly a mirror image, but this time, something had changed.

He smiled and squeezed Cas’ hand and Cas’ head shot up to look at him. 

“Heya Cas, miss me?” 

“Dean,” Cas said, voice low and full of relief.

Dean didn’t waste another second. Ignoring the screaming of his wounded head, Dean flung the sheets from his body and pushed Cas back against the hard plastic chair he was sitting in. He straddled him and smashed his lips against Cas’. Cas kissed him back and Dean drew it on for as long as he could, but eventually his head began to throb, demanding oxygen. 

When Dean pulled back to look at him, Cas’ eyes were shut, and he looked beautifully rumpled. Cas’ eyes blinked open to look at Dean, confusion clear in them and he opened his mouth in a question. “Wha-”

“I remember, Cas,” Dean interrupted in a breathless gasp, unable to keep the words in anymore. Cas’ eyes went wide and tears instantly formed and fell from his blue irises. A huge smile spread across Cas’ lips and he pulled Dean back in for another kiss. When they broke apart again, Dean repeated the words against Cas’ lips, happiness flooding through him. “I remember.” 

***One Year Later: Thanksgiving Day***

“Cas!” Dean shouted as he stepped on a rattle for the fifth time in a span of ten minutes. 

“What!?” Cas’ exasperated shout came barreling down the stairs in answer. 

“Everyone’s going to be here in a matter of minutes and Claire’s toys are still everywhere! I thought you picked them up!” 

“Sorry!” Cas replied as he appeared at the top of the stairs, Claire in his arms. She was dressed in a cute pair of brown overalls and her blond curls were kept at bay by a headband with a pattern of fall leaves sewn into it. “We had a diaper emergency.”

Dean bent to pick up the rattle and shook it in Cas’ face, Claire grabbed for it but he pulled it back out of her reach, she pouted at him in response, a pout that could rival even the most severe of Cas’. “Well get to work, I have to tend to the turkey.”

“You want to help Daddy pick up your toys?” Cas asked as he pushed his face close to Claire’s and brushed their noses together. Claire giggled and touched Cas’ cheeks. Cas smiled at her and then set her down on the floor in the living room while he wandered around picking up books and stuffed animals. 

Dean returned to the kitchen where he was busy trying to maintain a pot of mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beans, and gravy, while making sure the turkey didn’t turn to charcoal. Cas had offered to help, but with Dean’s knowledge of his husband in the kitchen he waved him off, choosing to dodge that particular bullet.

Dean was just pulling the turkey from the oven when there was a ring from the doorbell and Cas shouted out that he would get it. Dean wiped his hands on the apron he had around his neck and went to join Cas at the door. 

“Hi, Claire bear,” Gabriel was saying when Dean stepped up to the door.

“Gabriel, hi,” Dean greeted. 

“Dean-O!” Gabriel shouted. He pinched Claire’s cheeks one more time and then barreled through the door to give Dean a big hug. 

Dean gasped as the air was momentarily robbed from his lungs, and he patted Gabriel on the back before forcing his arms to unwrap from around his body. “Where’s Kali?” Dean asked. 

“She’s getting the little rugrat out of the car,” Gabriel replied. 

Gabriel and Kali and been married eleven months ago and Kali had just given birth to a son that they’d named Balthazar. Dean still wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about Gabriel having offspring, but Balthazar seemed relatively harmless for now; Dean would have to keep an eye on him in the future. As if she’d heard her name, Kali suddenly appeared in the doorway, baby Balthazar on her hip. 

“Hello,” she said with a smile. 

“Hey Kali, it’s good to see you,” Dean replied. 

“You as well, Happy Thanksgiving,” Kali said. 

“Happy Thanksgiving,” Dean echoed. 

Dean let Kali inside and was about to close the door when he spotted the unmistakable yellow AMC Gremlin that could only belong to one person, Charlie Bradbury. Charlie was out of her car and up the walkway to the front door so fast that Dean was pretty sure she’d teleported. “Hey bitches!” she said by way of greeting. 

“Hey Charlie,” Dean grinned as he pulled her into a hug. “Glad you could make it.” 

“Are you kidding!? Free food? I’m not missing this!” Charlie replied as she gently smacked Dean’s arm in passing to get into the house. She hugged Cas and Claire and then went over to Gabriel and Kali.

Now the only people they were missing were Sam, Eileen, and Henry. Dean peered out into the streets in search of Sam’s disgustingly plastic car, but it didn’t seem to be in the general vicinity so he closed the door and returned to the kitchen where two pumpkin pies waited to be put into the vacant oven. 

“When do we eat?” Gabriel asked as Dean opened the oven, tilting his head away from the blast of heat that accompanied the movement. 

“Once Sam gets here,” Dean replied. 

Gabriel frowned and crossed his arms. “Of course it comes down to Samsquatch.” 

Dean shut the oven door, the pies safely secured inside and then turned his attention to the turkey that still needed carving. “Don’t worry, if he doesn’t show up in five minutes we’ll start without him.” 

The moment Dean finished his sentence, the doorbell rang and Gabriel practically sprinted to the door to pull it open. “Sammy! Get in here so we can eat!” 

Sam’s low chuckle sounded from just outside. “Hello to you too, Gabriel.” 

“Yeah, yeah, hello, get inside!” 

Dean propped himself in the doorway between the kitchen and the front door. “Heya Sammy.” 

Sam grinned as he and Eileen stepped inside, Henry clinging to Elieen’s hand. “Hi Dean.” 

Dean let Sam walk up to him before he wrapped his arms around his younger brother. “It’s good to see you.” 

“You too,” Sam replied. “How’s parenthood treating you?” 

Dean scoffed as he looked into the living room where Cas, Claire, Kali, and Balthazar were occupying the floor. He smiled when he saw Cas reach out to tickle Claire, her shrieks of laughter filled the house and Dean’s heart swelled in his chest. “It’s amazing.”

Sam followed his gaze and a fond smile spread across his face. “Cas is really good with her.” 

Dean nodded. “She likes me, but she _loves_ Cas.” 

Sam chuckled and as he looked at Henry. “Yeah, kids are funny like that. At first Henry would never leave Eileen’s side, but now he likes to be with me. I’m sure Claire will give you her undivided attention at some point in the future.” 

“I’m just soaking it up now, I don’t think I’m going to be able to handle her teenage years,” Dean replied with a dry laugh. 

Sam clapped a hand on his shoulder. “I wish you luck.” 

“Yeah, I’m going to need it.” As Sam moved into the kitchen, Dean signed hello to Eileen, who smiled and signed back. “Alright everybody!” Dean shouted as he raised his voice. “Let’s eat!”

“Finally!” Gabriel exclaimed as he rushed to pick up a plate. 

Dean served everyone and then dumped food onto a plate for himself before joining everyone at the table. Gabriel was already wolfing down his food and Cas was feeding small bits of turkey to Claire, Charlie was chatting animatedly with Eileen, and Kali was speaking with Sam. Dean smiled and locked eyes with Cas, who reached out for Dean’s hand. 

Dean pulled Cas closer to him and kissed him gently. “I love you,” he said. 

“I love you too, Dean,” Cas replied. 

“Memories or not, I never forgot how much,” Dean added in a low voice, only meant for Cas to hear. 

Cas brought Dean into another kiss. “I know,” he whispered against his lips. 

When Dean finally brought himself to return to his Thanksgiving meal, he took one look around the table, at all of his loved ones gathered in one place, and as he began to cut his turkey, the memory of Charlie’s quoted words to him so many months ago came back to him: 

_The things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect._

Dean hadn’t expected to recover his memories, and while he was thankful he had, he had learned that he shouldn’t dwell on the thoughts of the past, and that instead, he should continuously live in the moment and soak up every single minute he could that was spent with his husband, his daughter, his brother; his _family_. 

As Dean raised his fork to his mouth, he caught Cas’ bright blue gaze again, and Dean smiled over his turkey. No matter what life threw at them, they would get through it together, just as they always have, and Dean couldn't wait to see what their next adventure was going to be. Be it raising their daughter or something entirely different, Dean would do it with Cas by his side and he couldn’t ask for a better partner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it's been a ride! This fic feels like it went by so fast, I swear I just started it the other day! I just want to thank you all for coming on this journey with me, this fic is one of the most popular fics I've ever written and I'm seriously amazed at how many people have chosen to read it. Each and every one of you mean so much to me, I can't think y'all enough for your lovely comments and the love you've all had for this fic. Thank you, thank you, thank you. My heart is full. 
> 
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> Fandom_Stuff <3
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